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Dear Dr. Goodheart:

It has been a long time since I dated someone. I'm 19 this year, really sweet, beautiful, but rather shy. I don't know what's wrong with me. If I see a guy I like, instead of flirting, I kinda avoid them. Is it normal? Moreover, since I'm shy and really quiet, I think I intimidate most people, although my all friends and everyone I have spoken to think that I'm special. What can I do to show people who don't know me that I'm not intimidating, but really friendly? I'm so ready to start a relationship now. When I was on a dating break, I was studying how to flirt and all that but I just can't put all that into practice, especially on a guy that I really like.

Please help me, what can I do ?

Cuda

"This angel is waiting to be heard."

Dear Cuda:

It sounds like you are working with all the right building blocks: sweet, beautiful, "special" — these are all positive attributes, and, considering you recognize them in yourself, I'm willing to bet that, given the right circumstances, you're not as shy as either yourself or others might think.  If you can look in the mirror and call yourself beautiful, you're doing a lot better than most girls out there.  

Rather than worrying about what you can "do with you," instead, focus on what's already "right" about you.  Use your assets to your advantage. If you're shy and sweet, but beautiful, playing coy can be a great way to snag the "nice" guy you're looking for. Instead of trying to apply flirting techniques from (often misleading) flirting manuals—this column is possibly no exception to the rule—focus on being you, which sounds like a pretty "special" package indeed.  Use your shy, sweet, beautiful, demure personality to help that special someone recognize the special qualities in you.  

On a side note, shy and sweet people usually don't come off as intimidating; quiet maybe, but not intimidating.  People who seem silent and intimidating usually have a touch of "ice" about them that makes people think they are constantly being given the cold shoulder. If you think that people are "intimidated" by your actions, try and evaluate if you really are being stand-off-ish, and if so, critique whether or not you may be doing so to put up a guard.  If you think you may be acting a little defensive in light of your shy, single status, try and relax; lightening up the attitude with smiles and laughter makes you seem a lot more inviting and may bring in more offers, especially from that certain special someone you've been looking to impress.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com

Dear Dr. Goodheart,

There is this boy working in the net cafe I am going to, that I wouldn't have noticed his (nice) presence if he hadn't flirted me (like: "You look much better with this haircut" and "Where are you going for vacations?" or winking at me, etc). He must be around 18-22 but not imature at all. I am 27 (looking like 18 though), I have never had a boyfriend I'm afraid, thus I'm not quick to respond nor do I say more than three words in a row when this is about flirting. So time has passed that way, but as time has shown, he still shows he cares. Well, till the moment that I decided I couldn't live only by flirting. I wanted to go out on a date with him. When he saw my name on the pc and called me with my name, I turned and asked him: "Isn't it unfair? You know my name but I don't know yours". He came closer, told slowly his name and gave me his hand to greet. I was thrilled, but next days he didn't say anything further. I then decided to take things in my own hands. Someday he was sitting next to me, I said something funny to him without him expecting I'd speak to him. He responded, so I asked about himself. He responded again and I could see him trembling for a sec.

Then he asked something back but we didnt talk much, mostly I did the talking. The next days I went there he was cold. I haven't said anything stupid and I can't find the reason, but he never tried to get my attention again. For instance, when I'm just getting into the store or am about to leave, I can tell he avoids having to talk to me. I can't understand his reactions and why he has never asked me out. I suppose I always do (or don't do) something strange and that's why I am still alone. Sorry for the long letter, I just wanted to explain as much as I could. Can you please help me?

Thank you very much,

Niki

"Java is a great way to relax the setting."

Dear Niki:

I would be willing to bet that, more than anything, he’s nervous.  Based on what you’re saying, he is sending positive signals that he’s interested.  That he always goes out of his way to not only serve you, but also keep other from serving you; that he smiled and extended his hand when he introduced himself to you; that he winks at you and makes comments implying he observes your physical appearance — including the changes in it — all suggests that he is paying more attention to you than the average person.  

Since you guys are technically "strangers" in the broad sense of the word, the only reason for all this attention, one can assume, is that he is interested in you, likely on an intimate level.  I think you did a great job by following you gut instinct and reciprocating his body language by initiating conversation.  Though he may have gotten cold in the last couple of meetings it may be that he is more likely nervous than no longer attracted to you that has him all tongue-tied and "cold" as you put it.  Instead of letting this deter you, I say you continue making small-talk, giving him time to warm up.  If it looks like he is starting to warm back up to your approach, but is getting nervous or distracted when you talk to him, do him a favor and take off the pressure by asking him to get together outside of his work.  There are a number of reasons that he could be getting nervous: he might not want to get in trouble with his boss for talking to you; he might not want to get razzed by fellow employees that think he’s flirting with customers; he might not know if you are interested in him and doesn't know how to talk to you.  By taking the initiative of asking him to get together for coffee outside of work, you can gauge his feelings for you based on his reaction, and make him more comfortable when he sees you in his work setting.  

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com

Dear Dr. Goodheart:

Ok, I am flirting with this guy in class such as rubbing my leg up and down, tapping my fingers on my cheek, biting my pen and looking at him with a smile then looking away.  He looks at me, too.  After a while, we start to take a group test, someone's asks me "Are you sure your answer is correct?"  And the guy that I am flirting with goes, "Of course it's correct, she's smart."  Does this mean he is interested in me??? And should I have given him a tap on the shoulder and thank him?  Or would that be too touchy?  What should I do next class?  Should I let him flirt with me first or what?  I am so confused. Please help!  I don't want to come off too strong.  

-JL

To nail you schoolgirl flirting moves: tone down
on the naughty factor.

Dear JL:

I think you're on the right track.  Needless to say all of your leg rubbing and pencil biting has caught his attention—hence the "she's smart" comment.  Still, you don’t want to make it too obvious that you're interested by tapping him on the shoulder and thanking him.

Instead, let your body language—as you've already been doing—do the talking for you.  When and if he compliments you, give him a warm smile and hold eye contact.  It'll be a sure way of grabbing his attention without also grabbing the attention of the rest of the classroom.  If he's interested he'll smile back, maybe hold eye-contact and/or even show signs of nervousness.  It doesn't sound like you’re a typically shy gal; take advantage of your gutsy bravado while toning down on the sexual body language by asking him to grab lunch, coffee, or anything casual and quick that gauges an immediate reaction without the risking of embarrassment, like say, what would happen if your pen biting tricks should backfire and spill ink across your face—sounds exaggerated, I know, but they do make comedies about this stuff for a reason.  Be a little more assertive, but tone down on the physical exploits, letting your smile and charm work your way into his heart instead.

Best of Luck,

Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com