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Doctor Goodheart ... Advice Column
October 2006
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
i'm a good looking guy, i have comon
logic (i'm not stupid!), i dresswell, i'm in good shape,i don't
talk too much, i like listening, i'm a kind of confident(not cocky),
i know that women are attracted by men that have confident,humor,
respect, understanding, BUT I HAVE ONE PROBLEM! I don't understand
what am i doing wrong and I don’t attract them. I'm
24years old, I'm a college student and i have never had
a relationship in my life because every girl that i like, the
girl feels the opposite. I felt in love (infatuation) 7-8
times and neither of these girls was willing to have a relationship
with me. I'm looking to find the thing on me that i can't
see, the thing that repels women from me. You are the doctpr and
i’m sure you will tell me which is the thing that i'm doing
wrong and how can i correct it...
Thanks a lot!
Nickolas
Dear Nickolas,
First of all I would suggest being
a little more reflective… you’re only 24 years old!
You are still very young, AND in a period of transition;
going to college is no easy thing- it requires a lot of time and
commitment. If you’re working a job, that only adds
more pressure to the college student trying to balance a “social
life” with their responsibilities.
That said, it also sounds like you
are hypercritical- don’t be.
We are all our biggest critics: the skinny girl looks in
the mirror and says, “I’m fat”; the genius gets
a A- on his paper and thinks, “I’m an idiot”;
and the many single folks out there who fall in love time and
again only to wind up still single, ask “WHAT’S WRONG
WITH ME!” The answer is: NOTHING.
Instead of thinking there’s something wrong with you, try
flipping your perspective. Chances are you just haven’t
met the right person yet: there’s nothing wrong with you
and you’re not wrong for them, they’re not right for
you! And while it may seem like everyone BUT you is off
having fun with significant others, casual or otherwise, I promise
you, you are not the only single person on the planet that sits
at home wondering why the phone isn’t ringing.
So what to do? First off I would recommend maybe “sheltering”
your heart a little more. You said you fell in love “7-8
times”! That’s an awful lot, especially for
someone your age. I would recommend trying to be more casual,
more friend-oriented, rather than relationship driven. Usually
when you’re not looking….that’s when that perfect
someone- be they Ms. Right, or Ms. “Right Now”- walks
into your life! For the time being try focusing on other
aspects of your life- like school, and your “boys.”
Enjoy “Guys Nights Out” at the bar and relish
your single moments. And, try not to judge yourself.
I can’t tell you “what’s wrong with you”
by a simple email. And, more importantly, I’m sure
there’s nothing wrong with you. I think it’s all a
matter of timing. When the time is right, the right girl
(for you!) will have mutual feelings. Until then, drink
some beer, throw some darts, and work on your degree…You
have the rest of your life to fall in love (really!).
Best of luck,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
* * *
Dear Dr. G.H,
I was just wondering what is the
common courtesy of emailing to a co worker that I'm interested
in? I've known this guy for 4 years and he is a salesman where
I work. I work in the office and I don't see him often except
for work functions and he lives 2 hours away. I only talk to him
on the phone. I like to get to know him on a more personal level
but how can I approach this? I sent him a few emails and made
small talk. He called a few times to chit chat. He told me we'll
talk soon. I thought of sending him an email from my home email.
I thought of asking him to lunch but wasn't ready for it! I
don't know how to talk to him on a personal level especially at
work but I'm in my own cubicle. Can I send him an email from home
to his work email?
Thanks!
Ericka
Dear Ericka,
It sounds like you already have
quite a little “mini” relationship going on with this
guy. He’s readily responded, and positively at that, to
your emails, phone calls, and “shop talk” at work.
Don’t worry that nothing has happened yet. When
he says, “We’ll talk soon,” but hasn’t
followed up on it yet, it could be because he’s swamped
with work; or he could be nervous. Maybe he likes you but
feels like your demeanor is too “business-y.” Try
amping up the personal level of your conversations, whatever medium
or location they occur in. And, though I think there’s
nothing wrong with emailing his work email from yourhome (at least
not in this case), chances are he checks his work email at work,
and your emailing him there may put him in an uncomfortable position
(good for you and your perceptiveness!). However, if he
is interested, he probably wouldn’t care.
Still, if you want to push this thing to the next level but are
afraid it wouldn’t be courteous to email his work email
from your personal email, I would instead suggest emailing his
work from your work email and just amp up the content- Its not
where you send the letter from, but what the letter says! Ask him out for coffee the next
time he is in your area. Or, try lunch even. If he’s
interested he won’t hesitate to take you up on your offer.
And, once you finally get him out of the business world,
and away from the safety net of phone calls, you can evaluate
his true personality and see just how compatible you guys are, or aren’t- hopefully it’s the former!?
So, I say, forget about HOW you get in contact with him again.
Rather, focus on what you SAY when you do. Be a little more
aggressive and let him know that you would really like to talk
to him, in person, and away from the working world. After that,
the ball’s in his court!
Best of luck,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
* * *
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
My husband is one of the many "lookers",
meaning his eyes will take him on a journey unspoken when he beholds
an attractive woman. I know men will look and would never
think of even remotely changing this, however, this is the question
I have. Not only does my husband look, but his whole demeanor
changes when he gets around my best friend. Whats up with this?
I draw the line at respect. Where is the respect for me and where
is his mind?
Thanks,
Disrespected in Sin City
Dear Disrespected in Sin City,
I think you hit the nail on the
head when you said, “I know men will look and would never
think of even remotely changing this.” Yes. Men
ARE going to look, and yes, we, as sensitive, loyal, loving women
are going to feel hurt, even if only slightly. Still, as
you also suggested, respect IS a huge part of any relationship
and no marriage can sustain itself without it.
Still, it may be the case that your husband has a little “crush”-
and I say that with huge reservation because I don’t think
he has any intention of jeopardizing your marriage, nor do I want
to put such an idea in your head. Still, I think it’s
only fair to put the situation in perspective: can you honestly say you’ve never
looked at another man, lustfully or otherwise, during your marriage
and thought “wow!” Like men, women are human, and
we too look. We too have our little “crushes”-
be they Brad Pitt or the next door neighbor. However, his
total “demeanour” change around your best friend can
be very unnerving, even for the most tolerant wife. And, you can feel disrespected
because his body, not just his eyes, is betraying his status as
your husband.
However, instead of getting yourself worked up and assuming things
that are likely not true, I would suggest you have a serious conversation
with your husband about how his demeanor around your best friend
not only makes you feel uncomfortable, but it also hurts your
feelings; you don’t feel like he is being respectful of
not just your relationship, but you as a human being who’s
feeling are being ignore.
Chances are he is oblivious to what he’s doing. If
you bring it up to him and show him that you really want to work
this out because you do love him and don’t want his behavior
to affect your marriage, its likely he will be only too willing
to stop acting this way around your friend. He’ll
likely check himself right then and there. Though I can’t
promise anything, I think communication is going to be your best
route. He’s your husband and therefore, you want to
give him the benefit of the doubt before you accuse him. But,
you also need to feel respected. A good conversation about
how his behavior isn’t just “harmless,” since
you ARE feeling disrespected, is likely your best option, and
a segue to a happier, healthier relationship.
Best of luck,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
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