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Dear Dr. Goodheart:

I am really confused and frustrated. My boyfriend and I have been dating for the past year, off and on. The first half of the relationship was done long distance, and when I finally moved back there to start a life, things were great. We didn't move in together because we wanted to make sure that things were going to work out between us. Eventually, we started talking more and more about moving in together and we keep going back and forth about how we feel—he, though, seems to be the one freaking out and reluctant to move in. He even proposed that we do once, and then he pulled out. I'm not sure if he's freaking out or if he doesn't want to get serious or if there's no real long-term plan to be with me. I feel like I'm putting in all the effort to be with him and stay over and hang out, and that, paired with his reluctance to move in, makes me wonder if I should stay with him. I want to, but I don't know if he wants to be with me. He tells me he loves me, but then why won't he move in? What do I do?

Help!

Confused, Washington, DC

Dear Confused:

What you're feeling right now is very normal. I wonder if this guy isn't younger than you. Usually, most guys eventually go through what I like to call the "oh sh*!" phase of dating: they realize that they have strong feelings for a woman and they want to eventually commit to them, but they're not ready to commit, wholeheartedly and presently. Meanwhile, your constant reminding him how ready you are only functions to further remind him that he's just "not there yet," thereby making him feel pressured, incompetent, and ultimately ready to run. Before he runs, however, he probably acts out, ditching you occasionally for nights out with the bars and/or coming up with excuses like "I'm too tired to drive over": all are acts of evasion. And all are very real reactions to your continued reminding him that you're picking up on his little moments of "bad boyfriendom." 

Really, it's not as dire as it sounds. Truth be told, there is one easy way to solve it: slow down. Rather than talking to him about moving in every time you go out on a date, talk about your favorite memories together, and talk about fun things you can't wait to do, obviously with him should he still be interested. 

Of course, it never hurts to also remind him of all the things you want to do by yourself, both now and in the future: see, reminding him that you have a life of your own that neither requires nor needs him 24/7 helps to reassert your status as sexy, independent woman: the very characteristics that attract men who want to settle down in the first place. Even if you're feeling needy, act independent. It should be only a matter of time before he comes to his senses and realizes you're not suffocating him, instead you're a sexy hot woman inviting him along for the journey—what man worth waiting for could resist? 

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com

Dear Dr. Goodheart,

I am writing to inquire as to whether or not it's best to talk to my husband about my sexual attraction to another man. I've recently found myself flirting with this coworker and can't help but feel both thrilled and guilty at the same time. I enjoy our stimulating conversations, the coworker and I, and I enjoy fantasizing about him. But then again, my fantasies get interrupted with feelings of guilt and infidelity. I have no desire to cheat on my husband, yet somehow I consider this linguistic fling with my coworker as such a thing. What do you think? And, should I choose to disclose this to my husband out of fear that silence would ruin our relationship—something I definitely don't want, how to you propose I proceed? In short, I'm writing to preserve my marriage the best way possible, and welcome any advice that could assist in that goal.

Thank you,

Flirty Female, West Lafayette, IN

Dear Flirty Female:

First of all I want to reassure you that what you're both feeling and saying is perfectly natural. As a married woman, I understand the nerve wracking sense of guilt that accompanies the occasional glance towards attractive men who happen not to be my husband. But it's normal, I keep reminding myself. And, how do I know? Because I catch my husband doing the same thing—an attractive woman walks by, he notices. Now, he doesn't stare and ogle, provide commentary, or anything else that would actually border on being disrespectful. But he does look—as does every other man (married or single) in the world.

So you say you're flirting with a coworker, but have no desire to actually cheat on your husband? Does your continued flirting with this coworker possibly jeopardize that goal? If yes, then I suggest you cut off the flirting; as you wrote insisting that your aim was to preserve your marriage, and if your continued flirting could possibly jeopardize that, then it is my professional opinion that you give up on the coworker in lieu of a happy marriage. If, however, this flirting is as harmless, albeit as thrilling as you suggest, then I suggest you allow yourself to continue your little linguistic liaison. Who knows, those words by day may even help encourage the romance by night, that being the romance you partake in with your husband. Should you find your fantasies of the coworker interrupting your sex life, though, then you might want to consider upping the ante in your own bedroom so that the coworker remains a verbal repartee and your husband remains your main man.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart, Fliritng.com