Home
 

Ask Doctor Goodheart ... Advice Column

November 2006

Dear Dr. GoodHeart:

I enjoy your column very much, and have learned a great deal from the questions and answers provided.

I recently ended a long-term relationship and am trying to deal with the single life again.  For years, I have had a secret crush on one of my co-workers -- a beautiful, smart engaging woman who, from our discussions, has a plethora of suitors from which to choose.  Anyway, since my relationship ended, this co-worker and I have started to talk more and have gone out a couple of times as friends.  She seems to really enjoy my company, and I love spending time with her.  Although she is not involved with anyone seriously, there is this guy in her life, a casual Mr. "Right Now."  Sometimes, she seems like she is pulling away from me; other times she seems to need me to be around. Another complicating factor is she is white and I am black.

I adore this woman and, now that I am single again, would really like to pursue something more with her.  How do I know if she sees me that way and, assuming she does, should the fact that she is a co-worker or of another race dissuade me?

Disconnected in DC

Dear Disconnected in DC,

Though it is the 21st century, I still think it would be naïve of me to say, “so what, ignore racial differences.”  Though we have come a long way since the early years of this country it would be foolish to think that race does still play a serious role in interracial relationships- hence it’s being defined by the race of the partners rather than by some other trait.  Still, when you say, “another complicating factor is she is white and I am black,” do you mean to suggest that you think you have a problem with this, that she may have a problem with this, or maybe perhaps even that either of your parents/families will have a problem with this prospect of an interracial relationship?  I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but if the only reason you are not pursuing things with this woman is because of the difference in your two races, I suggest you look deeper and find the possibility for moving beyond the difference.  Though its cliché to say, true love knows no color, anything else isn’t “meant to be,” so to speak.  

If you adore this woman as you say, and you are single, and she is single, get more pro-active.  Women who hang out with men frequently usually aren’t doing so unless there is some sort of chemistry, friendly or otherwise.  So, I suggest gingerly seizing the possibility to “up the ante,” if you will.  Ask her out on a romantic dinner date (hey, for bonus points, you may even want to try cooking a romantic meal for two on your own) and, based on her response, gauge whether or not you think the moment is right to talk to her about moving things into the realm of “steady,” “serious,” or otherwise.  If this other guy is just a “Mr. Right Now,” and if she really does enjoy spending time with you as much as you suspect, chances are Mr. Right Now will become a “Mr. Once Upon a Time,” leaving room for you two to enjoy your newfound relationship in the blissful solitude of two hearts, rather than three.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com

* * *

Dr GoodHeart:

I have just started a new job a couple of months ago. I have been married for 27 years. There is this woman (age 35) and married 4 years where I work and she keeps sending me signals such as; touching my shoulders, chest, brushing up against my arm, flipping her hair, showing her bright white teeth with a big smile, fixing her clothes etc. She is a very appealing woman and I never respond to her flirtings as much as I would like to. I know where you stand on this being married and all but, I find my self thinking about her much of the time. I would like to approach her and tell her chill out with these actions but I am not sure there is any intentions on her part other than to be a flirty type of woman. She is very friendly and outgoing and I don't want to offend her by being wrong on my judement of this situation. What can I say or do to avoid the back lash.

Thanks,

just curious.

Dear Just Curious,

For starters, you’re married, not dead.  You’re a man, and men are going to look, no matter how hard they try not to- (for the record, it should probably be confessed that most women look just as much as men, no matter how much we may try to pretend otherwise).  Sexual tension, drive, whatever the label you want to attach to it, is a natural, human tendency.  More importantly, that drive isn’t going to stop just because you’re married- as this woman has so boldly demonstrated.  

Since this woman is married, and since she is so blatantly flirting with you, the only assumption I can dare draw is that she may be unhappy or lonely in her new marriage, or she still may be struggling to come to terms with married life.  Still, it is wrong for her to continue her advances if it is making you uncomfortable.  However, based on your semi-confession, it sounds like you are not altogether appalled by her advances.  Still, if you have no intention to act out on her impulsive suggestions, I recommend you ignore her completely.  It’s a work place: people come, people go, and friendships are often platonic at most.  If you begin to ignore her advances you will likely find she will cool her jets. Though she may feel dejected at first, by not calling her out on her actions you don’t give her ammunition to start trouble at work (especially since, even assuming she’s flirting with you can venture into the realm of that sticky “sexual harassment” area).  The last thing you need is this woman, now hurt and jealous by your calling her out on her unnecessary solicitations, trying to cause trouble for you at work, or at home.  Leave her be; sooner or later her game, without an audience, will get old and she will likely move on to a new target.  In the meantime, I suggest focusing on your own marriage (of 27 years: good for you!) at home, and reuniting the flame with the one woman who has consistently stood by you through time.  

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com

* * *

Dear Dr. Goodheart,

I really like this guy that I am pretty good friends with. I have noticed he gets nervous around me and I often catch him glancing at me. He often compliments me about my cheerleading stuff. My friend was talking to him and she suggested that I liked him and he guessed  that I did. She told me he did the satisfied nod afterwards. I am confused though, he never said anything about it to me. He still complimented me and talked to me like he didnt know.  He is very shy so that could be a possibility to why he didnt say anything .In your opinion do you think he likes me back or am I just imagining it?

Please help soon,

Hopeful Girl

Dear Hopeful Girl,

I don’t think this boy is as shy as you may be making him out to be; the very fact that he told your friend that he knew you liked him demonstrates that he is self aware enough to gauge his effect on women. Still, you don’t have to be shy to necessarily be intimidated by a woman, especially if it is one you really care about.  If you two are already friends then you’ve already provided him an objective insight into your character; making you all the more appealing because he thinks your personality equals your physical beauty.  Likewise, his body language, which you defined as nervous and frequent eye contact, suggests that he is very aware of your presence, and likely in a positive way.  I think we may have a connection here.  But, rather than going through your friend (usually not a safe or reliable method for transferring such precious information as history has revealed time and time again), get assertive and talk to him yourself.  The next time you guys are hanging out suggest something casual, like dinner or coffee and see how he reacts. If you go through the effort of asking him out on a casual outing, the ball’s in his court; wait for him to make the move.  Still, I’m willing to bet he responds positively and things should be down hill from there.  

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com

* * *

Dear Dr. GoodHeart,

There’s this girl in my class who i sit next to who I have fallen for head over heels! ive known her for only a few weeks, but I feel like shes the girl of my dreams. I decided to ask her to go out with me this weekend and she told me "cool , well talk tomorrow" because Iasked her as we were leaving... then when I got home I frantically searched for her e-mail and I e-mailed her a letter telling her I hope she didnt feel weird about me asking her and I did'nt mean to make it sound like a date date more as in we should go out as friends, I totally feel like I made myself sound like an idiot, even worse like a stalker for getting her e-mail without her giving it to me... but I havent seen her or talked to her since (its been a day) I'll see her on wed. She's really cool we talk and laugh alot together so I hope it dosent mess up our friendship... what should I do?

please help!

Thanks,

Shy Boy

Dear Shy Boy,

Woah!  Calm down.   There’s nothing wrong with being shy and nervous, but give yourself some credit.  If you have garnered this girl’s attention long enough to carry on multiple conversations, laughs, and I believe you even dubbed it a “friendship,” then you need to recognize that it’s likely she thinks very highly of you.  Rather than stressing out about whether or not you came off as too forward, relax and let the triumph of getting her to say “yes” to your “date/non-date” proposal sink in a little more; relish the moment.   Chances are, because you asked her out casually and after class nonetheless (rather than pulling her aside and asking her in an intimate setting), she didn’t take it as some super romantic or serious date request.  Instead, she probably viewed it as a fun opportunity to hang out with this really cool guy she has started to get to know outside of class.  She probably isn’t putting as much weight on it as you are, but then again, maybe she is.  Maybe she likes you just as much as you like her.  But until you hear her response you can’t know- and even then you may not be able to gauge the full depth of her opinion until you actually hang out with her.  

So, rather than putting all this pressure on the situation, relax; proceed as usual: chit chat, laughs, and all, and pleasantly await a casual outing with this dream girl.  Note: If this is your first “date,” and if you did ask her out in passing, and if she is responding semi casually, then you should probably take note and proceed casually. Don’t take her somewhere super intimate where things could get uncomfortable.  Rather, play safe with the first date.  Take her somewhere nice, comfortable but inviting, and plan a fun outing afterwards: golf, movie, bowling, etc.  By easing up on expectations you allow yourself the possibility for being blown away by an evening that turns out to be better than expected.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com