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Dear Dr. Goodheart,

My husband of three years and I have recently decided to get a divorce. Separated for over a year, we’ve both had time to get over the emotional strain of divorce. Though things aren’t final, I’m ready to get back out in the dating world and explore my options. Really, I’m looking forward to exploring my sexuality, having fun dating and kissing and seeing where things go. I am, however, concerned how this will look to many of my colleagues and coworkers; I work at a university, and in trying to establish myself in an academic career, I’m afraid my actions may jeaopardize the department’s professional opinion of me, particularly since I have decided to enjoy making out with one of my colleagues. Though I don’t expect anyone to talk about this stuff at school, I’m still having reservations; then again, I’m always too worried about what people think about me and wonder if I’m just being overly-worried. I want to have fun, and feel I deserve it after a messy separation and a year of no action, but don’t know if I’m being too anxious to get back out there. What do you think?

Nervous Nelly

Inland Empire, CA

Dear Nervous Nelly,

I do think that you are being a little too worried. Though its always good to want to maintain a positive and professional attitude around colleagues, you shouldn’t be so worried about people’s opinions that you censor yourself from having any fun and taking prime opportunity of your newly found single status. If you happen to find yourself casually having a little fun with one you should realize that you are a grown woman and in no way responsible for a little harmless kissing. And if your colleague is the type to kiss and tell, when then its obvious they’re not at the level of maturity necessary to accommodate your needs. I say, yes, go out and have fun exploring your sexuality, but make sure that any attempts to kiss and run are with men who understand that you are in no position to get serious and need to just relax and enjoy being a sexual, single woman again. By the way, I do think it’s a good thing to limit your “sexual explorations” to just kissing and casual foreplay, since, as you said you have no intentions of getting serious with any of these men, you don’t want to complicate things with sex. I don’t think I need to tell you, by the way, that frequent casual sex with colleagues is a sure way to damage the reputation; kissing, however, is completely harmless and part of the perks of a 21st century society where men and women work and play in the same quarters!

Best of Luck,

Dr. Goodheart

Flirting.com

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Dear Dr. Goodheart,

I really like this guy at my work. We’re both colleagues at an elementary school, and we frequently take “breaks” together, and our offices are in the same little nook. We’ve established quite a rapport, and sometimes it's more flirty than casual, though feels harmless nevertheless. Now for the clencher: we’re both married. I don’t want our casual flirting to go any further in a way that would jeaopardize our respective relationships, yet at the same time I have to admit that our banter does make work more enjoyable. What should I do? Is this considered cheating, and if no, how do I proceed cautiously so that nothing ever enters that realm?

Help!

Cautious Flirt

Seattle, WA

Dear Cautious Flirt:

Perhaps you’re more interested in this man than you’re comfortable admitting on a conscious level? Remember: you’re married, not dead. Your libido is still kicking and, despite your spiritual and marital vows to your husband, it doesn’t know the difference between “husband” and “hot teacher.” The important thing is how you choose to respond to these newfound urges and feelings developing towards the “other man.” If you’re already debating how to handle things with this guy, chances are you already know, however subconsciously, that there’s potential for this to evolve into something more, should one of you be willing to cross the line, so to speak. Rather than letting it get to that point, however, abandon ship altogether. Its very hard for men and women to have strictly platonic relationships, and aside from the risk of your husband getting jealous, you’re recognition that something serious might have a possibility of developing between you and your flirt could be a signal that its time to gently bow out and defer to civil tactics instead. The “cool,” not cold, shoulder should help send subtle but civil hints to this guy that you are sticking to your commitments with your husband, and although you fancy him, it's not worth the risk. If he’s as respectable and cool a guy as you think, he’ll respect your decision and take your lead.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart

Flirting.com

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Dear. Dr. Goodheart

I’m seriously considering asking this man to marry me. We’ve been dating for four years, talked about kids, marriage, the house with the white picket fence, all of that. But despite our talks, there’s still no “knee action,” and still no ring. Now, I’m not one of those girls all into big rocks and stuff, but like any normal girl, I am wanting a secure and healthy relationship, of which the ring is a nice, happy symbol. I just want him to finally get over whatever anxieties he is having about proposing so we can move on with life. When I ask him why no proposal yet, he simply gets coy and say’s he’s “not ready,” and that he’s “waiting for the right time.” To make matters more stressful, he's already bought the ring (proof, I suppose, that he does intend on proposing, but for god knows what reason, he hasn’t yet). So what do I do? I am ready to just ask him to take whatever pressure he may be feeling off of his shoulders. At the same time, I don’t want to emasculate him and add to insecurities by taking charge of a traditionally male custom. What do I do? I’m ready already.

Frustrated Future-Fiance

Orange, FL

Dear Frustrated Future-Fiance:

I’m all for women’s rights and being independent and such, but I am a bit of a sucker when it comes to marital traditions. Call me a hypocrite, but I do think it best if the man proposes; that’s not to say, however, that I wouldn’t possibly propose given the circumstances and the man necessitated my doing so. I don’t, however, think that is the case with you.

If this guy is strictly hesitating a proposal because of some stress as to doing it right, you may not want to propose first because, yes, you will potentially “emasculate” him, rendering his plans a joke. Your beating him to the punch with something he’s already said he intends to do, suggests that he isn’t capable of doing it right or expediently enough, which means you could be getting the engagement, and future marriage, off to a rocky start with all kinds of weird trust and insecurity issues that may be avoided if you just slow down and give him the time and space he needs. I’m not saying you should continue to talk about marriage for four more years without so much as an attempt on his part to propose; however, he did buy the ring. He’s planning on proposing, he just hasn’t figured out a way to do so that he thinks is “perfect” for you; that in and of itself should be flattering. Cut him some slack and, hard as it may be, try not to think about it. When the moment finally comes, it’ll be that much sweeter.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart

Flirting.com