Home
 

Ask Doctor Goodheart ... December Advice Column

Dear Dr. Goodheart,

Recently, I've been having doubts about my marriage. There was always this other guy I could have gotten involved with, but never did. After he moved on, I found my husband, got married, and am now living life happy and content, for the most part. The one thing is though that I can't stop thinking about this other guy. I don't know if it's the holidays or whatever, but the nostalgia is stronger than just "what if," its more like "why not what if"? Is this not making any sense? I really am happy with my husband, I love him dearly, but when I'm driving around, or when we go out to eat, I think about the other guy and wonder if I wouldn't have been happier with him instead, more loved or something like that. I want my marriage to work, and I do believe we mutually love each other, but how do I put this other guy out of my head so I can move on with my life?

Confused

Dear Confused:

As our relationships develop new dynamics and evolve into something more "stable," that 'ol flame threatens to submerge beneath the daily toil that we call life and responsibility. In times of stress, nostalgia rears its ugly head in want of an escape, so we give into daydreams of better days and/or dreams deferred. Don't give into the temptation; don't read too much into it. It sounds like you love and respect your husband, as he does you; it's likely that you've just come to an impasse, settled into normality, and dulled the flame a little bit. It's not gone, it just needs a little help, a reminder of how much you loved each other enough to commit to each other for the rest of your lives. And, the more you work on improving your relationship with your husband, the more likely it is that your daydreams of Mr. Could've Been will slowly submerge comfortably back into your subconscious, letting you rest peacefully and quite in love, for the time being. Should those thoughts resurface, start your little regimen all over again.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart

Flirting.com

***

Dear Dr. Goodheart,

With the holidays around the corner, my in-laws have been driving me crazy. We're supposed to go visit them for the holidays, which means offers of free plane tickets, gifts, etc. But of course, once there, everything is on their schedule, their time, and every minute of mine and my husband's attention is dictated by their agendas. I have to admit, while I'm fond of them, they still drive me crazy precisely because, since my husband is the youngest sibling in the family, we're treated like little kids, stuck with tending house while the other siblings enjoy free time away from family and family agendas. How do I have a happy holiday break without going nuts by the in-laws?

Overwhelmed Daughter-In-Law

Dear Overwhelmed Daughter-In-Law,

Remember when you said "I do"? It not only meant "I do" to the man, but also "I do" to the whole family that stands behind him, faults and all. So, as the holidays do approach try and remember that it is the season of family and love and all those warm fuzzy feelings that come with it. Even when in-laws are at their most controlling with their "agendas," try and remember that its likely they do so that they can "construct" the best possible holiday, even if its their best possible holiday. Though it is frustrating, and though it is hard to deal with for extended periods of time (4 days is about my max), try and cut them some slack, and put on that happy face, if only for your husband, and your sanity.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart

Fliritng.com

***

Dr. Goodheart,

Recently, my in-laws bought my wife and I a dog. Though we have wanted one for awhile, the puppy, she is only 8 wks or so, is a lot of work and has been causing a lot of stress. We are newlyweds, with no kids, and so this is very new for us. But, for my wife, who works from home, the dog has been a newfound chore in the day to day activities, and by nighttime, my wife is a combination of attached to the puppy, because she is so cute, and completely overwhelmed by the amount of attention it needs. This of, course, has complicated our sex life. We don't have any sex anymore. While I am also very attached to the dog, its sleeping in our bed is a problem. When we try and put her down, she cries, when we try and get intimate, she comes in between us. I really don't know how or when I can have my sex life back, but I'm over the hiatus. What do I do?

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

It sounds like you have found yourself in that fickle situation. While I completely understand your frustration with the puppy interfering with your intimate time with your wife (I know the same thing has happened with my husband and I because of our new dog as well), you must remember to fight those temptations to be jealous of the dog. It is, after all, a puppy, and it is learning and developing a whole new set of social skills as your wife sees fit to teach her (I say wife because you implied that she was around the dog more often than you). Consequently, the dog is growing attached to your wife, and seeing her as a surrogate mother figure; as a puppy, the dog still very much needs attention and care from the mother, which will logically mean less time for you, the husband. This is a natural phase that your wife will have to fight, because it sounds like her maternal instincts are strong. The more your wife learns to distance herself from the "cute" puppy and treat it more like a dog and less like a "baby," the more your relationship will bounce back to its even keel status, and sex will resume. Should your wife be wanting kids more than you know, however, its possible the puppy just could dominate her affections for longer than you're comfortable with, at which point I suggest talking to your wife about these issues and seeing if you can't come to some sort of resolution between your personal sex life and your plans for your life together, potential family included.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart

Flirting.com

***

Dear Dr. Goodheart,

My boyfriend has recently asked me if I would be interested in a threesome. I have never done this before and though I'm intrigued I'm not sure I can handle my boyfriend getting intimate with someone else. Of course he wants the threesome to be with a girl and he tells me that its just to spice up our sex life because we've fallen into a rut. But we've only been dating for about a year and only having sex for three months. I am rather timid in bed, so I guess I can see where he is coming from but I am still uncomfortable about it. What do I tell him?

Scared

Dear Scared,

It sounds like your boyfriend is more sexually open than you are comfortable with. That he waited so long to have sex with you is a positive sign; however, that he's already rushing you into having a threesome, particularly if you are timid in bed, is worrisome. Does he really understand how insecure and uncomfortable you still are with sex? If not, it is important that you communicate this to him, the sooner the better. If he is aware of your sexual inhibitions, him pushing you to do things you're still uncomfortable with, in my opinion, is a sign that he either doesn't respect you as he should, or that he's simply on a different page than you. It's likely you two aren't right for each other, both sexually and emotionally; this is something to consider before "giving in" and condoning his wishes. You don't want to agree to something this big if you're uncomfortable with it; not only will it permanently affect the dynamics of your relationship, it will permanently affect your psyche and your future outlook on men, even sex in general. So, before committing to anything, have a nice long talk with your boyfriend to make sure you both understand exactly where you are each coming from. Should he still insist, I must say you move on and find someone more supportive and respectful of your needs.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart

Flirting.com