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Dear Dr. Goodheart:

I have been separated for almost a year; soon-to-be divorced from a 5-year marriage. To be honest the though of dating again hasn’t really crossed mind. Today while I was on my lunch break, a new employee (who was also taking her lunch break) was chatting with me. Eventually this lady was flirting with me. I felt a bit overwhelmed, because for some reason it made me think of what my ex had put me through. Although my common sense tells me that not every female is going to put me through what my ex did, I couldn’t help but feel very uncomfortable. Even though I have a personal policy against work place romances, it makes me wonder how I would have felt she was not a coworker. Why do I feel this way in spite of what my common sense tells me? How do I get over that feeling?

Sincerely,

Single Again CPC.

"They’re not all like your ex, but you’ll never know unless you give them a chance."

Dear Single Again,

Having been separated for a year, you’re psyche has already been through the ups and downs of separation, solitude, and hopefully, the healing process of moving on from a past relationship. All the same, five years is a long time to commit to anyone. Consequently, your past relationship will inevitably have left some impressions on your heart and mind: about what a relationship should be, could be, was, and, at times, what a relationship is not.

Instead of letting your current, fragile psyche shut out every opportunity at companionship, however, allow yourself the opportunity of at least trying to make friends. There’s nothing better than a support group, particularly when you’re going through a tough time. Considering the former “rock” of that support group is now the one person you are separating from, it is only natural that you instinctively find yourself wanting to fill the void with another potential partner, companion, friend, etc.

Though you’re probably in no place to start another serious relationship, there’s nothing wrong with allowing yourself to enjoy life and the perks of a social scene, even if it is with the other sex. Don’t feel guilty in any way for taking an initiative to proactively move your life forward in a positive direction.

That said, it sounds like you’re still quite hurt from your last relationship; as such, you are probably dealing with a lot of trust issues, which, to be painfully honest, won’t heal overnight, no matter how marvelous the potential new partner. Still, you shouldn’t be afraid to let yourself get close to someone new, old or otherwise, and vice versa. On the same note, though, to be fair to her, you should clearly articulate your reservations about getting into a new relationship because of your recent divorce; any person worth investing in will be considerate enough to give you ample time and space to prepare to step bravely back into the dating world, at your own pace, on your own terms.

Though dating someone in the work place can be risky, it can also be a really fruitful oppruntiy as well. Coworkers usually find that they have more than just their jobs in common, since, it is likely that similair personality traits drove them to apply for that job in the first place. Exploring opportunities in the work field is a great way to try to reconnect with people who share the same professional and personal goals as yourself. As long as you proceed cautiously, you may find yourself entering some very promising territory indeed.

Best of Luck in Love & Happiness,

Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com.

Dear Dr. Goodheart,

I am a girl in mid twenties, till now i never had a boyfriend, well am attractive and smart, but the things is that I think am so naive in love matters, am simple and dont know how to play or understand sublte language, any way there is a guy I like a lot but , we are in the same department but not same course, I see him every day and we meet in the computer room, lately am falling for him, I think he noticed that i might get nervous and am trying to catch his attention any way am not able becasue when am close to him , my heart beats gets so fast and I think like am falling and chocking that is why I cant look or talk to him, and on the other side I am afraid that he will think am so forward, by the way am shy an not forward at all do you think if strat a conversation with him or not?

yours,

Cheeky

"Stop ‘em dead with that killer smile."

Dear Cheeky:

Considering you seem rather insecure about the whole dating thing, I think it would be best to focus on how you can best handle this situation á la positive reinforcement. It seems obvious that you are interested in this guy: note the heart palpitations and “choking.” Violent physical reactions towards a man signals more than nervousness about love; they signal an overall insecurity with dating and relationships in general…

That said, if you’ve never been involved with someone, the very concept of starting a relationship can be terrifying, even nauseating. The thought of entering the realm of the dark and unknown romantic world of dating, complete with the potential baggage of heartbreak, breakups, fights, and other messy interludes that do and often accompany most relationships, to one degree or another—sorry, just trying to be completely honest—can be quite scary. Still, it is very important to muster up enough courage to actually break out of your shell and put yourself out there for people to notice. And, trust me, people notice shy, insecure people for the very trademark gestures: chocking, shaking, nervous jitters, etc., that you are afraid of exuding to your crush. Still, I do know that telling someone to just “sack up” is a lot easier than actually doing it; nevertheless, at some point your crush is going to think you have some sort of epilepsy if you don’t switch your nervous twitches out for something more assertive and self-confident. Try a simple smile; maintaining eye-contact is always good. Start with baby steps. Also, a simple “hello,” along with a smile, helps to break the ice; it also puts the ball in his court, allowing him to make the next move.

It should be noted that if he is as nervous as you are, you may find yourself faced with someone as awkwardly silent as you have also been behaving. Don’t freak out; some people may take as much encouraging as you do—hard to believe, yes, but true. On the other hand, provided he isn’t so shy, however, you should find your “hello” reciprocated with an equally friendly “hello,” regardless of personal feelings; most people with manners always return a public salutation.

Since you seem rather nervous about the whole “dating” thing, I don’t want to overload you with “rules” and suggestions for transforming you into a dating goddess. It is imperative that you first and foremost feel comfortable with who you are, and then, as you gain more and more confidence, learn to feel comfortable around others by acting more approachable and friendly. If someone thinks you’re nervous, they may not know if your nervousness stems from something they’re doing, which, ironically, can make them feel insecure and uncomfortable in return. To avoid hazardous mishaps like this, simply throw “smiling” and small salutations into your daily persona for a more approachable, confident, comfortable you that will be sure to catch the eye of that certain someone in a more positive way than before.

Best of Luck in Love & Happiness,

Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com.

Dear Dr. Goodheart:

Ok so I herd through word of friend that you know everything and anything well help me.... I have this guy who I know through my friends mom... well actually hes my friends moms boyfriends nephew... if that isnt a mouth full... I dont know what to do about him, im a shy girl my self and I dont know how to come right out and tell him I like him. he knows that I do and we flirt all the time and he tell my friends mom how good I look and all that stuff. well we were hanging out the other night and we talked for about an hour with no stoping and it was wounderful, I felt some kind of connection there and I dont know wher to take it now.... I was over at there house last night and I called him and asked him when he was commin home because he was at a friends watching the eagles game, and he said ohh soon I wanna see you but when he came home he hung out for a little and then went to bed because he had to be up in the morning. I understand that... I want him bad and I dont know how to go about it.

please help me

lost in pennsylvania......

Sometimes going to bed early can be a positive thing
in the beginning of a new relationship.

Dear Lost in Pennsylvania

It obviously sounds like your past the initial connection point. The fact that this guy left a football game to hang out with you is HUGE! Football is like a ritual for most men; its “the” thing that brings men together, allowing them the opportunity to binge on all things carbonated, alcoholic, and salty, while they trash talk about anything and all things sporty and relationship-wise without having to offer an apology for their resorting to primitive Cro-Magnon behavior. So, the fact that you had this guy make the sacrifice to call it a night with the guys and head over to your house to hang out means that he is interested, on some level; the fact that he also frequently drops your name in the company of your friend’s mom is also a positive sign of attraction. In short, it sounds like you have all of the proper attractions and signals necessary for a positive attraction.

What does worry me, however, is the emphasis on the physicality of the attraction by both you and him. You say he likes to brag about how “hot” you are to your friend’s mom: “hot” not “beautiful.” And you say you “want him so bad,” rather than, “I really want to get to know him better,” or, “I think he’s someone I could really see myself with.” Not that physicality is bad, but if a relationship is primarily built on lust from the start, it’s bound to fail 9.9 times out of 10. A healthy relationship is built on positive communication, connection, and commitment.

What is encouraging, however, is that you suggested that your guy came over and went to bed after “hanging out”—which, by your word choice, I have to intuit you were suggesting that you just hung out and that’s all—hence your disappointment. Here I have to say, however, “kudos to him.” The fact that he spent the night (or so I gather from what you said), without expecting or initiating a physical commitment, is a positive sign; it shows that he may be trying to get to know you before getting physically involved. Out of good conscience, I have to admit that I hope you follow the same path and allow the physical to come after you’ve established a strong emotional connection that displays the ability to sustain a relationship when the physical fails to satisfy. I realize this may not be what you wanted to here, but I strongly believe this is the healthiest way to proceed, for both you and him; by slowing down and following a more committal, rather than physical path, you allow yourself the opportunity to more sincerely examine yours and his compatibility, before sex enters the picture, which only ever complicates things in rocky relationships that rely on purely psychical rather than emotional, or communicative interpersonal dynamics.

Best of Luck in Love & Happiness,

Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com.