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Dear Dr. Goodheart:

I asked you about some advice for October issue where I'm interested about asking a co-worker out. My next question is that is there a rule about dating younger men? I'm 37 yrs and my co-worker who is salesman is 29 yrs. He lives almost 2 hrs away. We'll talk on the phone occasionally about business but then past summer he blurted out asking me if I had any kids and if I was married? I told him I haven't found the right one yet. Is he feeling me out? Does that mean he is interested me? I should of told him if he was married? But I knew he wasn't! I don't know if he has a girlfriend. I'm still too chicken to ask him out thinking I'm too old for him. Last week, He showed up at my desk and was all nervous but then I was nervous too! We talked and then he had to go. He called me the next day for work and talked a little. Plus, I haven't heard from him for almost a month. Everybody thinks I shouldn't let the age thing bother me. In april, we have a function we all have to be at and I always hang out with him so maybe something will develops.

Thanks!

Ericka

Dear Erika:

For starters, I don't believe in "rules." Often, it is exactly one's intention to follow "the rules" of dating that produces miserable situations; (In fact, I was just talking to my girlfriend the other day and she told me that it was because of her determination to throw caution, and 'the rules' to the wind, that she was able to leave her unhealthy marriage and start a new, happier, healthier life with her recent boyfriend). Consequently, I stand firmly by the notion that being too cautious, too careful, and too rule-oriented can distract one from what they really want in a partner and in life.

Stop obsessing over the propriety of dating younger men, asking yourself questions like: how much younger of a man should I date? Is there a cutoff in age difference? Am I too old for him? Do away with quantitative analysis, opting instead for qualitative inspection. How about focusing on your coworker's personality? Is he a person you enjoy spending time with? Is he compatible with your personality, tastes and lifestyle preferences; these are more important and far more profound questions to ask yourself about a potential partner. Though age isn't entirely irrelevant, it certainly shouldn’t be the primary concern when "sizing up" a potential partner; in other words, if, at 27, this man is a mature, confident, goal-oriented man, as opposed to a darling boy enjoying what's left of his dying bachelor days, then what does the number (of his age) really matter? The answer is, of course, it doesn't. You should be more concerned with his maturity, in short, his persona rather than his age. The fact that everyone else is telling you to let the age thing go suggests to me that perhaps this 27 year-old coworker is, in fact, more of a man than a boy, and that is the most important factor to consider when contemplating starting something with him.

On the matter of asking him out, I say you allow things to proceed naturally. By what you're suggesting, he seems more than interested. Men, particularly younger men, don't generally act nervous around women unless they are interested in them on a personal level; the fact that he's inquiring as to the status of your marital and personal life only reinforces this notion. If, then, you find yourself compatible with this coworker, allow yourself a chance at finally finding the right one. The only way to know whether he is or isn't the one for you is by trial-and-error. Who knows, you may just surprise yourself.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com.

Dear Dr. Goodheart,

I am so very confused and need some help ... I am 34, I have been in a f buddy relationship for the past 2 months . we are together everyday wether we get busy or not he is always here or I am always there ... we have never kissed I want to but not sure if he wants to. I need to know if men like women give off subtle hints (I know girls twirl thier hair fumble with thier keys) but what do guys do .. I have been the aggressor in everything we do but I am afraid to make the first move for a kiss I am afraid of losing him as both a friend and a lover. How can I tell if he wants me to make the move and kiss him ...

Confused at 34

Dear Confused at 34:

At 34, "fumbling with your hair and twirling your keys" isn't going to send the same signals that they did 10 or so years ago. Still, being the aggressor in a relationship can be frustrating, particularly when you're trying to read a blank slate.

All the same, yes, guys often do signal that they are interested, but they're more obvious than you might think. For starters, the fact that this man is in his thirties and sacrificing a good chunk of his personal time to hang out with you, however "casual," is a good sign that he's not only interested, but more importantly, that he's ready to move on to a relationship with someone. His allowing all of his free time to be devoted to your company signals not only that he enjoys your company in particular, but that he enjoys it more than hanging out with someone else, like the typical pack of bachelor buds.

Remember, it isn't easy for guys to commit to new relationships. Generally, the first thing guys do when they meet a girl they're interested in is to draw boundaries, signaled most typically by a conscious decision to limit the amount of time they want to spend with that person.. If this man is hanging out with you every spare moment, regardless of when and where, it's a good sign that you have become a significantly important part of his life. If nothing else, take that as a sign of his being interested.

If that's not enough to convince you that's he's interested, or, to save yourself the potential risk of "misreading" his intentions, allow the "first kiss" to unfold naturally. I can't stress enough how important it is not to force things; that doesn't mean, however, not capitalizing on opportunities when and if they present themselves. What I am stressing is the importance of not "forcing" someone into an awkward situation because you simply can't wait to learn if they like you. If they're interested, time and opportunity will oblige you to find out.

The next time you two are hanging out, scan his body language, observing when he seems most comfortable. When he appears most relaxed, take him by surprise, allowing language to communicate interest, rather than overt body language, which can not only make a man uncomfortable, but also, allows him the opportunity to pretend he simply didn't see it. Force yourself to make him confront the situation, asking him where/how he sees your friendship developing in the future. Generally, questions like this are direct but open enough to allow for an honest response. You don't want to make him uncomfortable; in other words, don't ask him questions like, "so, do you like me or not?" Direct, aggressive questions won't generally work well with passive aggressive types. So, keep things calm, cool, collected, and, again, use language, not your body to communicate direct, clear, concise messages about where you stand.

Best of Luck,

Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com.

Dear Dr. Goodheart:

I was standing in line at the Starbuck's in the building I work at with a coworker when this guy, I think waved at me. I've only seen this guy acouple times and I wasn't sure if it was him and he was not close enough for me to tell, I didn't wave back. Now when he sees me he looks disgusted. I am attracted to him and now feel I've blown an opportunity to possibly get to talk to him. He caught me by surprise and I didnt react fast enough.

The first time I saw him he made eye contact with me, I did smile back. It's strange we dot know each other and now I cant seem to muster up the courage to tell him that I didn't intentionally snub him. Is he disinterested now? Do I approach him and tell him I am sorry?

Thank you.

Lynn

Dear Lynn:

If this guys did try and initiate a friendly salutation because he was interested, then yes, you're not waving back may have caught him just as much off guard as you were caught off guard when waved to. I don't know if he should look "disgusted," but I would suspect that he would be a bit more sensitive and consewuently, more reserved in his efforts to communicate. Ratehr than getting discouraged yourself, allow your casual acquaintance-status to enable friendly smiles and occasional "hellos."

Simple efforts to go out of your way to notice him will help send the message that you didn't intentionally not wave back; your insistent efforts to catch his attention should also signal to him that you are interested in talking to him more. If he initially felt an attraction towards you, the best thing you can do is to try and keep up the efforts to re-establish contact. Little smiles, salutations, and occasional questions help put you two back on the communicative path. Once there, you can casually bring up the obvious elephant in the room; in other words, say something to the effect of, "you know, the other day I was daydreaming when I saw someone wave at me. I feel horrible, though, because I have no idea who it was and I didn't wave back because by the time I realized I was waving they had walked away." Something vague like this is the perfect way to get out of the sticky situation by "playing dumb" the smart way.

Best of Luck,

Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com.