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Doctor Goodheart ... Advice Column
April, 2006
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
Recently I spotted this attractive man at the local
Starbucks. Usually I frequent the place at the same time Mondays,
Wednesdays, and Fridays. After spotting him last Friday, where we
made eye contact at length, I noticed he made a reappearance the following
Monday. Though I didn't see him Wednesday, I did see him this past
Friday. On all three occasions we made eye contact after what I believe
to have been his initiative. Believing his reappearances to have something
to do with my visits I am writing you to ask what, if anything, I
should do. I am very interested but he won't take anything beyond
the initial eye contact. Should I approach him, smile, begin a conversation?
Would it be too forward to ask him out on a date ?
Thank you,
Confused Coffee Gal
The OC,
CA
Dear Confused Coffee Gal,
Since you failed to mention why
you frequently attend your local Starbucks joint I am going to assume
its either part of the daily regimen or perhaps you do work there,
etc. Whatever the case, if you have repeatedly seen this man it seems
that perhaps you are spending more than a casual 15 minutes in the
joint so as to have plenty of time to espy this smitten man. Having
concluded that you are in fact interested in moving beyond an initial
eye contact I suggest giving a more than friendly smile to him the
next time he looks your way. If he seems responsive to your friendly
gesture I suggest that you perhaps advance towards his table and begin
with a simple hello. Generally his following response and body language
will be a good indicator of his level; of interest. And, if I might
add, if it seems that you have been frequenting Starbucks regularly
and upon your first noticing this man you have thereby frequently
noticed his subsequent visits, it is possible that yes, he may in
fact be going out of his way to see you and has yet to work up the
courage to strike up a conversation. Therefore I suggest doing the
21st century thing and act the part of an assertive woman: A man never
makes repeated eye contact unless he's usually interested to some
degree. For bonus tips, if he's not drinking a beverage at the time
you initiate conversation, suggest buying him a beverage; it's an
easy way to break the ice and smooth your way into conversation.
Best wishes for love, life, and
happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
* * *
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
I met this wonderful woman the other day at the local daycare center.
As a single, divorced man with two kids, placing my children in daycare
is the best option I have at the moment while working a 50 hr/wk trying
to support them. My wife died about two years back from breast cancer;
luckily both the kids were very young and don't really remember much
about it. But every year I spend alone I grow lonelier and until the
other day at the day care I didn't think I would have found another
woman I could possibly be interested in. After spending about 5 minutes
discussing our children's latest macaroni projects and imaginary friends
we parted ways with cordial smiles. I didn't notice a ring on her
finger but couldn't imagine a woman like her not being taken. What
do you suggest I do? Would it be inappropriate to initiate a conversation
pending her marital status? I don't want to offend her but we seemed
to hit it off and if she is by any chance in fact single, I would
love to take the opportunity to possibly offer her some more grown-up
company in her spare time.
Respectfully,
Desperate Daddy
Los Angeles, CA
Dear Desperate Daddy,
First, my condolences to your wife. Secondly,
though on the surface it may appear that you have yourself a precarious
situation: hitting on 'mommy's' is always an ambivalent event and
possibly embarrassing if they end up being married. However, usually
married women will wear rings, though that may not always be the case.
That said, if you two have already established
an initial contact (I’m assuming a five minute conversation
about each other's kids was enough to allow a proper introduction
and exchange of names) then you are already two steps ahead of the
game. Now, her friendly reception could just be an indicator of her
personality; she may just be a friendly married woman who's very proud
of her kids and eager to talk about her pride and joy, or, she could,
in fact, be a single woman looking to spice up her personal life.
I suggest assuming the former, that she is indeed married.
The next time you see her, if you two manage
to strike up yet another conversation, in the midst of your next discourse
on macaroni macramé and other daycare activities, slyly make
a reference to her husband such as, "so what does your husband
think of the kiddies art projects?", or "your husband must
be so proud!", etc. If she is married she will happily reply
to your questions without any reservations. However, if she is single;
be she a divorcee, a widow, or a single mommy, she may answer slightly
awkwardly to the questions or commentary, however, if she does proceed
with an answer that is usually a positive indicator. Moreover, if
she stills seems encouraging and continues to talk with you after
the semi-awkward moment, that also is an even better indicator of
further potential. That said; proceed cautiously for she may be a
fragile woman with a history. So long as you're interested, show her
the respect she deserves and take time and interest in her past as
much as your potential future together.
Best wishes for love, life, and happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
* * *
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
My fiancee have been living together for quite some time and though
we are quite happy with our relationship we seem to have lost that
spark that we had when we were first dating. I really love her and
am looking for a way to show her that as much as I am excited to spend
the rest of my life with her, I also want us to maintain that passion
that we once had. Any suggestions on how to break it to her in a gentle
and encouraging manner?
Thank you,
Curious George,
Omaha, Nebraska
Dear Curious George,
It should be expected, albeit disappointing,
that in time everyone's relationship will tend to lose that initial
flame. Just like the first days immediately following a wedding, the
first few months of a relationship are generally termed 'the honeymoon'
stage where everything is fresh and new and both of you are overjoyed
with the progress of the relationship. But eventually all honeymoons
must come to an end. That's not to say however, that you can maintain
a spark and reignite the passion in a relationship.
Intimate chemistry is as important as establishing
a life-long partner and best friend in the long run and if you already
think you have settled into ways of old then you might want to give
your relationship a little boost in the love department. If you're
not shy about being romantic then I suggest grand yet affordable gestures
which can be accomplished at a modest price and which remain impressionable
in that they are rare and special moments. Some suggestions for those
really 'impressive' moments would be something like sprinkling rose
petals all over the bed and lighting the room with a dozen or so small
red votive candles; for a more intimate twist try the same setup in
the bathroom with scented bath bubbles, rose petals sprinkled atop
and around the floor, and votive candles along the bathtub edge. Of
course you always need the proper atmosphere which can be accomplished
by romantic 'mood music' and decadent desserts such as chocolate covered
strawberries and champagne on ice (which you should have waiting on
a candle lit table either in the bathroom or in the bedroom).
For another extravagant idea try an all-out,
without occasion, fancy dinner. You can take her to either your favorite
restaurant or try some place new and exotic that you would never normally
try but that she'll be sure to remember. Or, for a more personal,
and some would suggest romantic twist, try making dinner for two and
serve by candlelight. All of these are a great way to stage the evening
as a memorably romantic moment and can be done at an affordable, some
even cheap, price. Just remember, generally the more personal the
more romantic and the more memorable the effort.
Best wishes for love, life, and happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
* * *
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
My husband and I have been married for more than four years and have
what I believe to be a more than active and fulfilling sex life. That's
what I thought until one night he asked me if I wanted to "try
something new". I told him I was always open to being adventurous
and I would do anything to make him happy. Of course that was before
I knew he wanted to have a threesome with one of my friends that I
always believed him to find particularly attractive. I tried to tell
him that I was uncomfortable with the idea but he persisted that he
thought it would be good for us. Eventually I gave in and surprisingly
my "friend" was more than willing to get the games started.
During the process I felt like my husband was giving her far more
attention than I, as if I was just there and he was taking advantage
of the situation to fulfill some fantasy he had of my friend. I even
ended up kind of hanging back until my friend grabbed me and began
to show me her comfort level with women. Now that's its all said and
done I want nothing more to do with a round two but my husband constantly
bugs me to reconsider. I don't know if he's cheating on me, and I
don't think he is because he seems intent on asking for my permission,
but if he's not cheating, then why the huge interest in her? Is it
merely sexual fantasy or does he possibly want something more substantial
with her? Is there anything I can do to make the situation better?
Thank you.
A Seriously Concerned Wife
Laguna, CA
Dear Seriously Concerned Wife,
I believe we may have more than a little problem
here but that does not mean all is lost. To begin, I don't think your
husband is cheating on you because, as you state, he is constantly
turning to you to "allow" him the opportunity to have a
threesome with your friend. If he was cheating I think he would avoid
asking your permission altogether. Furthermore, the fact that it is
a threesome with 2 women and he approached you with the idea does
suggest a desire for him to enact his sexual fantasies and it is possible
that perhaps your friend is someone he feels comfortable with, and
who he believes to be open enough to comply with his request. This
could be a potentially embarrassing thing for a man who wants to enact
a fantasy with his wife but doesn't want to incorporate say, a prostitute,
a stranger, or other women that he may not feel comfortable with.
Still, there is a possibility that he may be attracted to your friend
and that is why he suggested her. However, the fact that she seemed
very interested in you leads me to believe that your husband and her
possibly discussed this before and he became aware of her openness
to being sexual with both you and your husband.
That said, it is possible that you may have
just been insecure and thus felt that your husband was paying more
attention to your friend than you. Still, it is altogether possible
that he did in fact do just as you suspect. Still, though I don't
believe cheating to be an issue here, what I do find problematic is
an inability for you to assert your opinions and discomfort with the
situation and an inability for him to respect your decision. Also,
sexual "experimentation" should be a mutual thing, of it
becomes his incessant craving to include other partners and constantly
have more than monogamous relations there may be something deeper
underpinning his sexual needs and or problems with the relationship.
I suggest you two undertake marital counseling or seek therapy of
some sort, possibly even group therapy. It sounds like the fundamental
problem is communication here, mainly, an inability for you to openly
communicate about sexual wants and dislikes which is key to sustaining
a relationship (both the sex and the communication). I think you two
will be okay, but I suggest seeking help so as to assist you and your
husband with being honestly and openly communicative with one another.
As for your friend, I believe you should talk with her one on one
and let her in on your discomfort and your desire to end this. If
she really is your friend she will respect your wishes. If she's not
a friend, chances are she reveals it through her obstinacies and continual
interest in either your husband and/or yourself in a manner uncomfortable
towards you.
Best wishes for love, life, and happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
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