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Doctor Goodheart ... Advice Column
May, 2006
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
Recently I became engaged to my girlfriend of three
years. I was super excited and thought things were going really well
until I noticed that her ring would be randomly turned upside down
when she would come home from her "girls-night-outs". I did also notice
that the ring seems a bit big and wondered if the ring's awkward orientation
was merely due to its large size or if it was purposefully being turned
upside down so that she seems more single? What do you think? Should
I be worried? Should I confront her about this? Please help.
Sincerely,
Fearful Fiancée
Eugene, OR
Dear Fearful Fiancée,
I understand your hypertension
concerning your fearing your partner's infidelity. It's not uncommon
for that age-old curse, "jealousy" to rear its ugly head after you
make a deep commitment, potentially a life-long one, and suddenly
feel that your partner isn't respecting the seriousness of such a
proposal. Still, sometimes jealousy can be unwarranted- completely
provoked out of fear. If your fiancée has never given you a reason
not to trust her before then I wouldn't be too hasty to assume thing
snow. The ring in all honesty may be too large for her finger.
Still, if you are worried at all
you should be able to confront your fiancée about such potentially
"non-issues" as this. You're intending to make a life-long promise
to this woman; as such you should be able to talk openly and honestly
about anything- the same goes for her. So if you are worried, casually
pose a question like "honey do we need to get your ring re-sized?
I've noticed that its been slipping around your finger a lot lately.".
Framing the question this way seems unassuming while still positing
that you trust your partner. Don't assume she's guilty until she gives
an explicit reason to do otherwise. A little jealousy is ok; you just
don't want to let it run away with your emotions and have you constantly
worrying about things that may not be problematic after all. That's
not to say your worries aren't valid, its just to look at the glass
half-full and offer a more positive perspective on the issue.
Best wishes for love, life, and
happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
* * *
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
I am a twenty-one year old student and I have been
casually dating one of my T.A.'s for a few months now. I actually
knew him beforehand and when I discovered that he was interested I
figured since he wasn't actually my teacher that it would be ok to
take things slowly, and casually. All was going well until he discovered
that I interpreted casually as meaning I could date other people.
Now he is threatening to give me intentionally poor grades on my work
because I'm not being "loyal". I didn't think we were in a serious
relationship. I also didn't think he would act this way. Now I'm not
sure if I want to be in a serious relationship with a guy who would
threaten to do such an immature thing as this. What do you think?
I want out, but don't know how to go about it without failing out
of my class, however unjustified.
Please help Dr. Goodheart,
Suspect Student
Boston, MA
Dear Suspect Student,
This is quite a pickle you're
in. First off I want to say that, however "acquainted" you may have
been with this guy before this class, I'm assuming that you know it
probably wasn't the best idea to engage in dating him while he is
in a position of power. As your T.A. he will have the upper hand,
however unfair, whenever things go south in the relationship. I'm
assuming he's around your age (since you said T.A. that generally
means he's still part of the student body), and as such am not surprised
that he is choosing to react this way. I'm not sure what to suggest
save for that I think that, seeing as how summer is approaching, I
would do my best to stick it out until the end of the semester. That
way you save yourself the drama of dealing with his sophomoric antics
which arguably you can't do anything about (can you really protest
a grade under those circumstances?). I know this isn't the most "ideal"
situation, hwoever, I do think, considering the circumstances that
this is the smoothest way to deal with things. Ride out the storm
and, when summer arrives and the grades are in, then you can approach
your T.A. and explain that you may not want to pursue the relationship
any further.
Still, be careful he doesn't try
to blackmail you into staying in a relationship that you're not happy
with. He may threaten to go to the Dean or other authorities and "fink"
on your relationship. If he tries this approach, which he may, gently
remind him that he is as much complicit in breaking the rules of academic
conduct as you are and that blackmailing you is no way to gain your
affections.
Best of luck with this one- please
update Flirting.com with your scenario if you have any other questions
or comments.
Best wishes for love, life, and
happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
***
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
I really like this girl at work but I'm not sure if
she's interested. I want to approach her but I don't know how to go
about it without making things awkward at work. What's the best way
to "get to know her better" without having a potential career disaster.
Help me out,
Interested Office-Guy
Annapolis, MD
Dear Interested Office-Guy,
Initiating interest is always
risky in the work place. You don't won't to make things awkward for
either yourself, her, or your co-workers. This can be avoided; it
all depends on the approach. Think "covert". You want your signals
to be casually intimate while still professional so that others don't
start suspecting your intentions and treating you differently (picture
an office full of teasing colleagues singing "x and y sitting in a
tree. you get the picture). I would start by asking her out to lunch.
Often people eat-out in groups or pairs during lunch break so your
invitation won't seem too motivated. Then, when away from the work
place, you can insert your more intimate feelings into the conversation.
Take time to ask her personal questions and gauge her responses accordingly.
Still make sure that if, providing she is interested, you're new "relationship"
isn't suspect with company policy. You don't want to endanger either
hers or your potential career with the company for that matter. In
this case, it's all about tact.
Best wishes for love, life, and
happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
* * *
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
I'm a straight woman in what I think is a healthy relationship.
I love to go to strip-joints, which, I didn't think was a bad thing
until my boyfriend began to worry that I had a thing for some of the
girls. I tried to explain to him that I am strictly heterosexual and
that I merely like going there to make him happy- although I must
admit I feel quite comfortable, even sexy while I'm there. Usually
I pay for him to get lap-dances and I'm always the one putting money
on the stage. He used to like this, but now that he's gotten jealous
he thinks my actions are motivated. I just want him to see that my
being comfortable with the women there
1) ends there, its purely part
of my trying to paint a fantasy for him and
2) that being there makes
me feel sexy.
What can I do? I'm afraid if I can't make him understand
that he'll break up with me?
Sincerely,
Sexy Stripper Girl
Portland, OR
Dear Sexy Stripper Girl,
It sounds like your boyfriend
may not be as "in" to these joints as you are. That's not to say that
your "fetish" is necessarily a bad thing. However, I would say that
based on your argument your interest in the exotica of a strip-club
is, well, interesting. I can understand why you may feel sexier in
a place like that, however, I only see that being the case if your
guy was into it- i.e. it turned you on to see him turned on. Judging
by his stern reproach to your interest in the strip clubs it seems
that perhaps he may be a bit more conservative than you first suspected.
I would try having a conversation with him about the logical reasons
your visits there make you feel sexy. That means, however, that you
have to hear out his arguments for his discomfort with the situation.
If you really think that this fetish can be potentially destructive
to your relationship you may need to decide which is more important
to you, the voyeuristic strip club adventures or your relationship
with your boyfriend.
Best wishes for love, life, and
happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
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