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Doctor Goodheart ... Advice Column
June, 2006
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
Recently my wife and I ran into some financial trouble. I feel it
is starting to take a toil on our relationship. We constantly seem
to fight over financial matters, particularly her always shopping
needlessly for expensive things, be it clothes, home décor, etc. I
am the primary breadwinner but she does contribute and I don't want
her to feel that I don't want to provide for her and support her.
Still, I feel as if she's taking advantage of the situation and spending
well beyond her means and mine as well. What should I do ?
Please Help,
Fiscally Frustrated
Seattle, WA
Dear Fiscally Frustrated,
Having a partner take advantage of your contributions,
in any respect from money to love to attention, is both frustrating
and disrespectful. While it is commonplace for many people in today's
society to feel a "need" to shop, and specifically, to shop for "nice
things" (often diagnosed as affluenza), still it does not mean it
is right to do so, and specifically, to do so at the expense of someone
else's hard earned money. Your wife might feel compelled to justify
her spending habits as a "necessity"; something that makes her "feel
good" and gives her "confidence" and "self efficacy", and what's startlingly
true is her justifications may be valid to her own perspective. Still
it needs to be brought to her attention that it is hurting you, on
a more than monetary level.
Money can be a very sensitive subject, and
the demise of many relationships. Since you allude to this problem
as "long standing" and already under fire of failed communication
may I suggest a new angle? Try bringing up the issue by discussing
how her excessive shopping habits make you feel as if she doesn't
respect you as husband, provider, friend, and confidant. Explain how
you appreciate her hard work and contributions and that you want her
to feel comfortable being able to shop for things you need, but maybe
here suggest that her constant shopping doesn't allow you the opportunity
to provide her. If you make it seem like she's doing all the "work"
of providing, this inverted perspective just may help curb her shopping
habits.
Still, if she rejects your wishes and continues
to shop might I suggest first trying counseling or secondly, propose
a desire to separate accounts. This latter one can be very sticky
and possibly volatile. Still, if she can't be stopped by communication
some action may be necessary. Find some way to express that you are
not doing this to punish her but so that you can stop "nagging" her
all the time and instead, bestow her the freedom of spending her money
exactly how she sees fit. Still, having to skew her perspective with
tactics like this can possibly contribute to her disillusionment of
her as "innocent" here and in the long run counseling may be necessary.
For now try baby steps like above and see how she reacts.
Best wishes in life, love, and happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
* * *
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
I hate Hallmark holidays, especially the cheesy, over-inflated, artificial
ones like Valentine's Day. All the same I have a girlfriend who I
love dearly and who I don't want to hurt or insult by not participating
in the holiday and acknowledging her importance to me. Do you have
any suggestions as to how I can show her I love her without stooping
to cheesy cards, over-priced roses, and cheap chocolate?
Sincerely,
Hallmark Cynic
Atlanta, GA
Dear Hallmark Cynic,
While its true that your opinions of Valentine's
Day are more than valid, and not alone; many people hold similar opinions,
still, as you noted, you do have a partner, specifically a female
partner who may be more inclined to still want the sentimental symbolism
of the holiday. If you don't want to "stoop" to holiday propaganda
and/or participate in the conventional "dinner date" might I suggest
celebrating the holiday early? If you surprise her, say an offbeat
day like February 7th, you can sweep her off her feet early and still
have time to justify your rationalism towards declining the upcoming
holiday.
The question might remain "how to sweep her
off her feet"? No matter what you do, any suggestion towards your
affection will seem somewhat parallel to conventional Valentine's
gifts and acts, still, you can try making her a card, or taking her
on a surprise picnic, or find out something she really likes and partake
in that: if she likes animals you can take her on a surprise trip
to the zoo or the humane society pounds or pet stores, or if she likes
to read you can surprise her with a copy of her favorite book. Any
suggestion that isn't chocolate kisses and roses might be able to
stand as anti-conventional, particularly if you don't give the gift
or do the activity on Valentine's Day. What's important is that you
express how much you love her and explain why you don't buy into the
holiday after you've taken pains to show her that, still, despite
your anti-Valentine's day spirit, you're still willing to go the distance
to show her how much she really does mean to you.
Best wishes in life, love, and happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
* * *
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
Recently I have noticed my fiancée coming home from
work later and later. When I confronted him about it he simply said
that he has been really busy with work and forced to stay late and/or
attend after-work business functions. I don't know what to do. My
gut tells me he's not being unfaithful but my head is telling me his
work excuses are getting old and too played out to be true all the
time.
What should I do?
Concerned fiancée
Omaha, Nebraska
Dear Concerned fiancée,
I would advise you to trust your
gut on this one. You said yourself that you don't feel (e.g. the gut)
that he's cheating on you. Though it might seem illogical and likewise
untrue that your fiancée has been staying late repeatedly for only
work, you need to try and understand where your fiancée is coming
from. Is his job one that requires more than your typical 9-5 commitment?
Does his job have peak seasons and/or is this a currently hectic time
in your fiancée's professional life? Likewise, is he maybe putting
in more hours both at the office and at after hours happy hours to
try and "get in good" with his bosses and blow his own horn for potential
promotions? These are the type of questions both you and your fiancée
should address and contextualize within the realms of your inquiry
and his relative answers. Find out if all his talk about hard work
really is true.
If he is putting in all of these
extra hours without talking to you first, perhaps you can explain
to him how it both worries and offends you that he isn't respecting
you enough to forewarn you of an upcoming "crunch time" at work. If
he is telling the truth (that being that work really is the reason
for his coming home late), he will respectfully alleviate your concerns
and provide a logical, fluid, and unwavering answer to all of these
questions. Additionally he may even work harder at more openly and
efficiently communicating to you the potential days he will be expected
home late. First thing first however, you have to talk this out and
give your man a chance to defend himself. If he's busting his butt
to secure a better future for the two of you the last thing he will
appreciate is a speculative grill session. That's not to say your
concerns aren't valid, it's just to give his perspective a little
illumination before you go in for the attack.
Best wishes for love, life, and
happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
***
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
Every day this girl comes into my work-I work at Starbucks,
and orders the same drink at the same time from the same person (me).
I didn't notice the pattern until a fellow employee pointed out that
her little visits had become ritual since her first noticing me. After
checking her out a few times after my friend's observation I noticed
her to be very attractive and it seems as if she's interested. She
smiles a lot, tips often, and always says thank you in a way that
I suspect to be an invitation for more than just coffee. Still, since
I am on the employed side of this scenario and it is my job to serve
and not flirt with the customers, I feel both at a disadvantage and
awkward trying to initiate anything between us. How and what should
I do to express my interest in this girl that I think is likewise
interested although she will do nothing more than repeatedly place
herself in front of my register?
Please help,
Java Joe
Santa Ana, California
Dear Java Joe,
It sounds like you have yourself
less of a drastic situation than you might think. You're interested,
(and apparently she's interested), all that remains is for you; yes
you, to take the initiative and strike up a conversation with her-I'm
thinking specifically beyond the realm of coffee talk here. Instead
of asking her what she'd like to drink that day, try to start a conversation
with a friendly salutation followed by an open-ended question. For
example: "Hey, good to see you again. So how's life been treating
you since your last frappucinno?" Or try something similar. Whatever
your comment, the important thing is to convey the following:
1) you've
noticed her repeat visits (likewise you're observant enough to notice
her drink preferences), and most importantly
2) you're interested.
After you work up the nerve to start a conversation, if she is as
interested as you suspect, you shouldn't have any problem.
Considering
she has been aggressively synchronizing her Starbucks visits to your
work schedule, she will more than likely take the reigns after you
make the first move. All that she's looking for now is for you to
signal you're interested in more than what she likes to drink. So
make your move and you should be on an easy path to flirting bliss
shortly thereafter.
Best wishes for love, life, and
happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
* * *
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
I am a 22 year old male who is about to finish up my last semester
of college. My girlfriend and I have been dating for the past semester
and things have been going great. Though its still a relatively new
relationship its pretty serious but we are both from 2 different locations
and as we prepare for graduation I am deliberating over whether or
not to break up with her or try to continue this thing as a long distance
relationship. I really care about her, in fact I think I may love
her but I'm not sure I'm ready for the commitment and the potential
disappointments and work a long distance relationship entails. Also,
she has offered to take a job offer in my hometown where I will be
returning but I don't want her to move out here and then, if we break
up, have her be devastated and regret either myself or her decision
to move out her to be with me. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't
want to be unfair to either of us. I'm not interested in anyone else,
I just don't know if I'm ready for her to move in with me and/or for
her to be 500+ miles away. What should I do? Please help.
Sincerely,
Confused College Grad,
Phoenix, AZ
Dear Confused College Grad,
Graduation is definitely a difficult time in
life. It's that limbo period where you prepare to make the transition
from adolescence into adulthood while your conscience desperately
fights to remain in the fantasy land and securities of the former.
Still, there's a time and a place to grow up and move on: college
graduation is one of those prime examples of when and where to do
that. I don't really know what I can tell you except that, where potential
love is concerned it's always best to follow your heart.
I don't know how deeply you care for your girlfriend
but I do know that, though true love isn't a cake walk, neither should
it be terribly difficult. However, I completely understand your reservations
for wanting to move in with a woman when you're not sure how serious
and stable your current relationship is. Nonetheless I believe it
is only fair to you and your partner that you discuss your reservations
openly and honestly about either a potential living situation and/or
break up. She needs to know how you feel- that means not keeping her
in the dark about your potential decision to end the relationship.
Likewise, she may be having some of the same
reservations as you, particularly about the long distance thing: her
effort to take the job in your hometown is more than likely an attempt
to alleviate the long distant concerns by making it a non-factor via
her relocation. Still, if the reason you are hesitant to move in with
your girlfriend is because you don't know if you two will last, then
she deserves to know that as well before she moves across country
for a guy whose heart may not be in it as much as her own. It won't
be pretty, and it may hurt, but in the end an open honest conversation
concerning BOTH of your worries, concerns, and hopes for the future
of this relationship BEFORE taking any action (e.g. a decision to
either to end or continue the relationship) will be the best and most
valuable thing you can do for the stability and security of what you
two have now, and may have together in the future.
Best wishes in life, love, and happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
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