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Doctor Goodheart ... Advice Column
July, 2006
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
I am getting ready to move out of my apartment with
my girlfriend and I don't know how to tell her that I may not want
to keep the same living situation in my new apartment. Its not that
I want to break up with her it's just that I think she is getting
too serious too fast and I am not quite sure how to handle it. I would
like to have my own space back and with her living with me that space
is nowhere to be found. Also she is always hounding me about things
like my leaving my clothes on the floor, or how I don't clean up the
sink when it is me who pays the rent! I just want to be able to have
my poker nights with the guys and not worry about her getting upset
at my staying up late and having company over. I want to be able to
go to the bars and flirt and look at other women without getting hounded
for my innocent intentions. I have never cheated and will never cheat
on a woman; it's just that all my girl's pressure is really making
me reconsider my moral obligations. I don't know what to do or how
to gingerly approach the subject without fireworks from her side.
Any suggestions?
Sincerely,
Missing the Bachelor Days,
Seattle, WA
Dear Missing the Bachelor Days,
It sounds like you may have bitten off more
than you can chew at this point. Your girlfriend seems controlling
and likewise, insecure and dependent. Since I don't know her financial
situation but I do know that you are paying the rent I am assuming
that she is going to be hit pretty hard if you decide to no longer
allow her to cohabit. However, if your heart is not as into this relationship
as you may have thought, then I don't think it is healthy for either
you or her to drag the thing out any further.
Still, I know I am going to sound redundant
by pulling the age old trump card: communication, but I have to ask,
have you talked to her about your concerns? Does she know she's suffocating
you and that you feel as if she is trying to control and take over
a space which is both financed by and assigned to yourself? The fact
that she is "hounding" you to clean up your own apartment may imply
1 or both of 2 things:
1) she's a neat freak and you're not- her keeping
at you to clean up may be an effort on her part to help keep what
she sees as both of your guys' apartment livable (to her standards.)
2) She is a little controlling- perhaps her aggressive behavior is
incompatible with yours. Still, she may not notice how her temper
is so unpredictable and likewise, startling (you mentioned the word
"fireworks").
First I would try communication and I would,
as sole financer of the living situation, lay down ground rules that
allow you to have your poker nights and bar visits so that you incorporate
a nice balance of couple time and "single" time (within reason) into
your lifestyle. If she does have a problem with your plan then it's
back to the drawing board.
If you really want to make the relationship
work you will be willing to compromise. If compromise if out of
the question then either yours and/or her inability to find a middle
ground may suggest that perhaps you two aren't as compatible for each
other as you previously thought. Likewise it could suggest that there
are trust issues, and/or that one or both of you simply aren't ready
for this level of a relationship. Whatever the case I suggest you
find answers to your dilemmas before just dropping a girl on the street.
Likewise don't let her force you into a living situation that would
have you miserable for a year. It sounds like the relationship has
come to that point where the question is: to move on, or not to move
on? Only you however, have the answer..
Best wishes in life, love, and happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
* * *
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
I've been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend
for several years now. I have never cheated on him with any other
guy although I have frequently found myself attracted to other women.
About three months ago when I was out of town I hooked up with one
of my girlfriends that I have been friends with for only a couple
of months. I haven't told my boyfriend about it because I'm not sure
if it's cheating and I'm not sure how he would react. What would you
advise?
What would you advise?
Confused Chica
Sacramento, CA
Dear Confused Chica,
It sounds like you are experiencing
a lot of sexual frustration and confusion. I'm not very clear about
your background but if this was your first intimate experience with
a female you could just chalk it up to curiosity and leave it at that.
However, if this is something that you are formerly experienced with,
or have a repeated curiosity for, I recommend seeking counseling or
severely reexamining your life and confirming what your sexual orientation
is. Either way, I say you confront your significant other about the
recent mishap and explain both the circumstances of the event and
the reasons why the event occurred. All good relationships are built
on open, honest communication. Still, if this is a minor one time
slip, and you don't believe it will happen again-and you don't think
your boyfriend will take your confession too well, I suggest you say
nothing about it. However, if he later discovers the truth about your
little snafu DO NOT deny his questions and come out in the open the
first time. He may be a little more upset that you withheld the information
in the first place but coming clean on your first chance improves
your odds for a hopeful reconciliation.
Best wishes for love, life, and
happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
* * *
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
I have been very interested in this guy that works
for my mother's business for the past several months. I think he's
attracted to me which would be fine except that I'm currently in a
relationship. To complicate matters, I work for my mother's company
and my mother does not allow inter-company dating. I don't think she
would be very happy if I were to start a relationship with this guy
behind my back. What do you recommend I do?
Undecided About Love,
Java Joe
Sammamish, WA
Dear Java Joe,
First of all it sounds like your
eyes are wandering enough to tell you that the relationship you are
currently in is not going to be your last: (e.g. he's not "The One").
Knowing that, I say you come clean with your current boyfriend and
call off the relationship before things get more involved than they
already are. Likewise I say you respect your mother's opinions about
her company. This guy may be physically attractive, but right now
you don't know anything about him. There are plenty of fish in the
sea and chances are you will find a dozen of other guys just like
this one that don't work for your mother. You don't want to take advantage
of your status as family employee and abuse her dating rules. Likewise
you don't want to go behind her back and put her in a position where
she will have to choose firing you or, giving you special privileges,
once she finds out about your little inter-company affair. I say you
steer clear of work boy, leave the one your with, and embrace being
a fun, fearless, single female for the time being until you have a
clearer idea of who and what it is you want.
Best wishes for love, life, and
happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
* * *
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
My best friend has been cheating on his girlfriend for
the better part of the past year. What's worse is that he hasn't just
been cheating on her with one girl but a bunch of them. I didn't plan
on saying anything but now he has proposed to her and they are to
be married. I don't think its right that she commits her life to someone
who refuses to do the same. I've talked to him about his cheating
and he promises he'll change his ways after the wedding-that he's
just living up his bachelor days while he can, but I don't believe
him. I want to help but I don't want to betray my friend. What should
I do?
Please Help.
Baffled Bud,
Tulsa, OK
Dear Baffled Bud,
Once a serial cheater, always
a serial cheater: no matter what this guy says he won't stop his playboy
habits once he's tied the knot. It sounds like you're a decent guy
and I appreciate your concern for your best friend's girl (that's
a rare thing to find these days among men whose best friends just
got engaged: most of the time they will encourage cheating and "bachelor
days"). Though I know you want to preserve your loyalty to your friend
the fact that this is nagging your conscience enough to provoke you
to write to me should be evidence enough as to what you should do:
you need to tell her the truth.
Still, I think you should first
tell your friend how you feel- let him know that you want to confront
his fiancée with the truth about his actions because he refuses to
do so himself. Encourage him to man up and confess his own dirty deeds.
If he refuses, which he will more than likely do, simply let him know
that his fiancée is as much a friend to you as he and that her happiness
is also important to you. Let him know that you approached him first
because you didn't want him to feel like you had betrayed his friendship/trust,
but likewise reinforce your message that unless he comes clean, you're
going to have to let his fiancée in on his dirty little secrets. You're
giving her a chance to back out of an unhealthy relationship before
it's too late-there's nothing wrong with that!
From another woman's perspective
I have to say, if I were your best friend's fiancée I would want you
to tell me the truth about his infidelity before it was too late.
Best of luck.
Best wishes for love, life, and
happiness,
Dr. Goodheart /
Flirting.com
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