| Ask
Doctor Goodheart ... July Advice Column
Hi Doctor GoodHeart,
Can you tell if this man likes me or hates me or what?
We both work at the same place and though he is not my boss his position is much higher than mine. He is a very intelligent, charming and handsome man. But more importantly he is kind and considerate of everyone near him. All the female co-workers adore him because he is funny, easy-going and doesn't take himself seriously though he is a very important man at our place of work. He is very comfortable with all of them.
But for a long time now I've noticed that whenever he's around me he has nothing to say and seems very ill at ease. I catch him looking at me very often but whenever I look back at him he averts his eyes. But then once in a great while he'll give me these long stares and even when I look back at him he doesn't look away.
Oftentimes (too often for me to think it's accidental) when I go into the copying room or the kitchen he comes in, too, but then he doesn't seem to be there for any particular reason. But he doesn't say much to me either. He'll say hi to me and ask how I am in this very low, serious tone. When I look up to answer him he's always looking away at something else.
Most of the time he never smiles at me when he looks at me but once in a while he'll give me such a smile that it almost takes my breath away. I also notice he does all these little things when he's near me: he whistles, coughs, stretches his back, tucks in his shirt, smoothes his hair, etc.
When we're in a room with other co-workers he never looks at me or talks to me unless he absolutely has to. But never in a mean way. Nothing he does is mean or rude, but still sometimes my feelings get hurt. At these times I'm almost sure he reads my feelings because then he does little things afterwards that make me feel better. Nothing more than stand near me a little longer than necessary or look at me with kind eyes.
Sometimes when we come across each other suddenly in a hallway or on the stairs he looks so startled or scared or almost angry. My first reaction is, "Gosh, he must really dislike me" and I get very sad. Then after I think about it for a while I say to myself, "He must have a crush on me!" Most of the time I don't know what to think.
Can you help me?
DD
Dear DD:
This man sounds like he has a common case of the "flirting fidgets": nervous ticks; awkward eye-contact, or aversion; coincidental run-ins with nothing to say… Yup, I'd say he's at least attracted to you though he seems hesitant as how to actually approach you. In his defense, he is in a corporate setting and he IS your superior, which means he walks a fine line between harassment and a friendly "hello," especially in today's hyper-litigated corporate world where sexual assault/harassment cases abound. So, rather than leaving all the pressure on him—and I can't say this enough to all you single, working (read: INDEPENDENT!) women out there—try and break the ice first by smiling back and initiating the conversation.
As a working woman, you are well fitted with all the social interaction skills necessary to carry on a neutral and civil conversation. Once you establish "common ground" with this man, you will both seem less "foreign" to each other and the awkwardness between you two will dissipate, though I can't promise the sexual tension will; of course, in your case, I'm assuming that's a good thing. Then, once you two are on a friendly basis, you can eventually allow the conversations to grow more personal, and if necessary, take them outside of the corporate setting: think a nice café, restaurant, or park. Lunch breaks are a great way to start slow and work towards establishing a more personable camaraderie without the pressure of first date awkwardness and anxieties.
I would relax on assumptions that he doesn't like you—why else would he bother ever smiling at you with "kind eyes" if he couldn't stand you? No, in your case I would be willing to bet that you have a nervous man on your hands. Not necessarily insecure by nature, he may feel at a loss as how to best approach a coworker, particularly one he's technically in charge of. To counter this, you need to take the initiative and start the conversation. If you can think of nothing, use some lame "shop talk" to help you segue into the casual but unassuming area of the personal stuff. Try the generic, "So, how's life outside of work been treating you lately?" Or, if that seems too personal for the first try, drop a personal confession that gives him an opportunity to connect with (after making the logical transition from work talk of course!), like "Man, it's been such a tough week; what I wouldn't give to go to the –insert sports team here- this weekend." A normal person would react to the comment by either asking you something like, "Oh really, you like the –name of team-," or, "Me too! I love the –name of team-!" Congratulations! Personal contact has been established. Now, let common sense lead the rest of the way.
Best of luck,
Dr. Goodheart
Flirting.com
* * *
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
I have written to you a long time ago and you have answered me in the column of January. I am Niki and this letter is again about the net cafe boy. You know what? He revealed himself some time ago. He just started talking out of nowhere - stuff that he doesn't use to do.
In order to find my name on the PC 'cause I prepay my net time (useful information: at that time, my pre-payed time was running off and he knew it) he said in one breath: "Well Niki... remind me your other name... oh I can't remember it! But the other one-'Niki'-I will never forget it..it is special." I was shocked! Never expecting to hear those words so I didn't speak and he had to continue: "..to ME it is special- I don't know.." Let me tell you here that in my country my name is not special at all. It is very common. But also, I could tell by his body language that it was not stuff he spoke out easily. Me? I was looking to the floor (yes-clever girl) and found nothing to say. Then he hurried to make excuse of himself saying: "Oh! Do I say nonsense?" And seamed to be embarrassed. I said quickly trying to sound warm: "Don't say that again". An expression that sounds like: don't even think you talk nonsense, but it could also sound like: don't say again my name is special -in an amount of 5%. Or 25% if the other person expects to be told off. And I suppose he expected that, and I totally messed it up!
Some days after that, I went to the place he works feeling in love more than ever before and being sure he loves me, so I was determined to fix things to the better, no matter how foolish I might sound. So I went there and I asked him to renew my time a little more, adding that I was determined not to renew it, but 'something' happened last time and I though maybe to change my mind. There were people around, but this was my only chance. He didn't speak. He didn't even move a muscle of his face, the same time I was totally shaking. He then asked in an no-expression tone: "WHY didn't you want to renew it?" I believe he wasn't even looking at me when he asked. I told him "I couldn't find the reason. But after the last progress..." And I stopped there, meaning that I changed my mind. He didn't make ANY comments. He
asked: "And will you renew it?" I did. And after some hour, when I was leaving, he gave me his biggest smile. But then, 3 days afterwards when Iwent there hoping that he will say SOMETHING-at least 'let's go out for a coffee', he again was like a complete stranger towards me. And the next and the next time. He turns around as I step in-like he's got radar or something-hurrying to get my attention and greet me, but nothing more than that. He just says the basic stuff and then disappears in a blink of an eye-like the
road runner man.
I can't understand honestly. Friends of mine arrange me blind dates but I really don't care about that. I feel I am in love with this boy for years. It's in the air. And I can't leave it to become a memory.
I am again uncomfortable I had to write such a long mail. I don't expect you to publish it but I would really appreciate it if you would be so kind to help by giving me some advice (I already appreciate you took the time to read all of this).
Thank you so much,
Niki
Dear Niki:
I believe what we have here are two very shy people who are attracted to each other but have no idea as how to best talk to one another. Probably complicating matters, as you alluded to, is a cultural conflict: something is always lost in translation and usually the most awkward/complicated thing for two people from two different cultures is to try and understand the idiomaticities (or nuances) of each other's cultural humor. Humor is something that is very contextual and usually culture specific. So it would make sense that you are concerned that he misinterpreted your comment about "Don't say that again," because in America, the idiom would probably sound more like "Of course you're not talking nonsense." Consequently, you have two very shy, contextually hyper-aware people trying to "make small talk" unsuccessfully. This would explain the lapses in friendliness, the awkwardness and long periods of silent or (avoidance) after an awkards run-in like the one you are writing about.
At this point (which is now almost 9 months later), I would say that if you are convinced that you have strong feelings for him you need to be direct with him. Don't work on idioms, or humor, or small talk. Instead, walk up to him and approach him directly, saying something like, "You know, I've been coming here for months waiting for you to ask me out. What's taking you so long?" This assertive statement not only reveals your interest in him, but it "puts the ball in his court," so to speak, and forces him to counter by either taking you up on your (indirect) offer to go out, or to defend himself. If he defends himself, he will do it one of two ways: "I'm sorry but I haven't asked you out because I'm involved with someone," or, the positive way, "I'm sorry, the only reason I haven't asked you out is because I didn't think you would say yes." Of course you're looking for answer two.
Sure it's a risky endeavor. But at this point your mental stability can't afford to beat around the bush any longer; it sounds like you are losing quite a bit of sleep and stressing much about this and the best way to bring this to a point of clarity is to be direct, concise, and assertive. I know it will be tough, but if he is half as interested in you as you are in him, I promise things will go just the way you hope: you'll finally get a date with him after all these months.
Best of luck,
Dr. Goodheart
Flirting.com
* * *
Hi,
I am a 43 gay woman and I am very attracted to a 20 something year old woman who works as a trainer at a gym I go to (all female). I have known her for about 6 weeks. I have no idea of her orientation or if she is single except that at one point she mentioned an ex boyfriend. Here is what has happened so far and I am trying to figure out if it means anything.
First she is very friendly and warm and smiles a lot and is always in a great mood and full of energy.
About 2 weeks ago, I asked her if she liked chocolate and gave her a very small piece of a chocolate sample. She thanked me for the [nice] surprise. But then she thanked me again on the next 2 times I saw her.
I told her I always work out harder when she's there which she accepted as a compliment.
I told her that if she wasn't still working there (she is going to school in the fall) I wouldn't want to renew my membership and she acted touched by that.
Then she said something weird the other day about the fact that she makes me train hard out of love and then repeated this a few minutes later.
Sometimes I try to keep eye contact but it's hard to know if there's something there because I want there to be so I am reading what I want into everything.
And maybe the gym has a policy against relationships or something.
And besides, women are the ones that want to be wooed and considering that both of us are women,
someone eventually has to make the first move.
If you are wondering why I haven't said anything yet, it's because I still have 6 weeks left on my
membership and it would be awkward if I had misread all this.
I hope you have any advice on this.
Thank you,
Heather
Dear Heather:
I do agree with you that women "want to be wooed" to a point, and yes, to quote you, "one of you will have to make the first move." Still, with someone so much younger than you, who has also made references to past boyfriends, I believe you are walking on shaky ground. Not only are you in a professional setting *which requires her to act friendly, personable and therefore can make you interpret her actions as interested when she is merely doing her job (a point, I believe, you alluded too), but you are also in a setting with all women, which means that orientations may be mixed, fluctuating, or undetermined. Consequently, unless she makes direct hints as to her orientation being gay or bi, you want to be extremely careful with your advances towards her as you could make her feel awkward if she turns out to be straight; of course, the awkward encounter would also mean you would continue to feel awkward for the remainder of your time at the gym (yet another point you have consciously noted).
This is a tough one because you can't help who you are attracted to and there is nothing wrong with being attracted to a strong, healthy, young woman. At the same time, however, your age does pose a potential level of taboo if her orientation turns out to be heterosexual. As much as I want to encourage you to be courageous and assertive, I truly believe it would be best to wait and see if she makes any hint at clarifying both her orientation and her intentions for either continuing her acquaintance with you, or not, once she goes back to school.
That said, do you really want to get involved with a twenty-year old girl (really, she's not yet a woman per se; there's a lot of growing up and life experiences she has to do before she will be on the same page as you) who will be away, at school? Chances are her life-goals are not exactly in sync with yours at this stage in her life and yes, her age will pose huge problems if you two try and become serious (providing everything works out) because she will have to 1) finish school and 2) pick a career path which may take her to yet another state or journey with which you are not either comfortable with nor capable of accompanying her on. Also, if she claims she is "bi," that poses a whole other set of complications, such as her being at the age where sexual orientation is flexible and undetermined and therefore not stable insofar as she may be in an "experimental phase" and eventually go back to being "straight," which of course would have heartbreaking consequences for you, and probably not so much not her.
I am not trying to be a 'downer' here, I am just really trying to help you be objective and look at the whole picture. If things work out between you two, great. But I think if anything is going to happen, she's going to have to be the assertive one. And, providing she is, I hope you find in her a partner who is willing and ready to commit to the same goals in life that you are, so that you two can live compatibly and happily together on the same page of life.
Best of luck,
Dr. Goodheart
Flirting.com
|
