Ask
Doctor Goodheart ... Advice Column
August, 2006
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
I am the type of guy that loves big girls: “more
of them to love,” I always say! However, despite my fixation
for thicker women, I recently was introduced to this beautiful,
charismatic woman who has everything I would want save for her
shape, which is thinner than I would prefer. She’s not rail
thin, but she is skinny enough to where the idea of her having
anything to grab in bed would be a far fetched dream. I know most
men would kill to date a woman like this, and I’m not sure
why, but I am finding myself filled with reservations. I don’t
want to be juvenile but at this point I can’t tell if I’m
attracted to her from a mutual respect/platonic standpoint, or
if I am sexually attracted to her.
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My biggest fear of course is
that if I decide to date her, I will suddenly find myself no longer
attracted to her, and I don’t want to hurt this nice woman’s
feelings. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Wanting More “Junk” (in the trunk),
Albany, NY
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Dear Wanting More "Junk",
First off, might I suggest you taking a
good look in the mirror and asking yourself, “what is it
that truly attracts me to larger women?” Is it their shape,
is it their personality (do you naturally gravitate towards larger
women with the same personality, etc)? You need to deduce whether
or not you are more attracted to larger women because you feel
more secure with them than with smaller women who may be seen
as generally more attractive (thanks to cultural stereotypes),
and thus continually garnering other’s men’s attention.
If you aren’t fully confident in
yourself and don’t believe yourself worthy of a good woman
you may naturally gravitate towards women who make you feel more
secure. That may mean that you may want a larger or less emotionally
secure woman rather than a thin and/or confident one, although
that’s not to say that skinny girls aren’t insecure
and that large women aren’t confident. That’s also
not to say larger women don’t need or deserve loving (and
good for you for not being blind to their beauty and gifts), all
the same, you shouldn’t turn down a perfect woman simply
because she’s a little “thin” for your tastes:
it would be the same if you were to avoid dating a larger woman
simply because of her plus size clothing.
If this woman has everything you desire,
besides a few extra pounds around the hips, don’t be an
unconfident boob. Give her a fair shot. You just may find that
after a few dates you grow more physically and sexually attracted
to her for all the right reasons, like her personality! Either
way, if you choose not to pursue romantic interests with this
woman make sure its for the right reasons and not merely because
you wish she filled out her pants a little more in the hind section-
and whose not to say that a few months of late-night pizza dates
might not assist the problem anyways (pending she’s ok with
the weight gain of course).
Best wishes in life, love, and happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
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Dear Dr. Goodheart,
Recently my girlfriend of three years has been
pressuring me to try a threesome. At first she proposed inviting
a guy as the third member, but I was adamantly against that since
I felt very uncomfortable sharing her sexually with anyone, let
alone another man. Even when she offered to invite a woman I felt
uncomfortable, although I did feel that, since it was her idea
initially, this was the best compromise. However, after our little
threesome my girlfriend is hooked. Though we initially did it
with one of her good friends, she has since asked me several additional
times to have a “round two”, but she is completely
indifferent as to whom the girl is. Though I can’t say I
completely hated the experience, I can say that I still feel very
uncomfortable with the idea since, during the threesome I felt
that my girlfriend was more preoccupied with the third party than
with satisfying or pleasuring me. I don’t know if it’s
just my insecurities bothering me, or my feeling that she isn’t
respecting my feelings and treating the relationship with the
seriousness and respect that she used to. How do I tell her that
I want to curb her lust for threesomes permanently ?
Please help.
Confused but Committed,
Athens, GA
Dear Confused but Committed,
It sounds like your girlfriend
is a little confused sexually and may be feeling a little restricted
to the confines of her (serious) three-year relationship. Most
relationships hit their natural lull (read: low point) within
the first 2-3 years. During that time most couples either break
up, or, like your girlfriend, decide to try and get innovative
in an attempt to put the spice back in life. However, after your
girlfriend came up with an idea (which you eventually agreed to)
she discovered something which filled a void or provided some
sort of substance which she felt was lacking before. The fact
that she is seeking to continue this pattern of behavior with
the threesomes may be an indication of several things: either
she doesn’t feel entirely fulfilled in bed with just the
two of you any longer (she’s bored); she may be re-questioning
her sexual orientation (based on your argument that she “seems”
more into the girl than you during the threesome); or she may
feel you two have hit that low point and is looking for a way
to bring some spontaneity back into the relationship; or, lastly,
she may be acting slightly selfishly and putting a secret desire
(to be with women, or engage in threesomes) over your desires
to commit and work on your relationship sans a third party.
Whatever the reason, you need
to first and foremost sit your girlfriend down and discuss our
concerns with her recently randy requests. You also need to clearly
convey to her that you aren’t comfortable with a third party
and that you desire to work on moving your relationship in the
right direction. If she still pushes for threesomes then you need
to decide whether or not she’s just being selfish and/or
may not be ready for an exclusive heterosexual relationship. She
just may be going through a phase and she needs to figure out
whether or not she’s willing to risk her relationship with
you for a temporary wild spree. If she does seem determined to
continue with this lifestyle, it may be time for you to move on
and find a woman who will better appreciate your level of commitment
(which is a valuable thing these days).n.
Best wishes for love, life,
and happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
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Dear Dr. Goodheart,
I am a single, forty-two year-old female who has
been engaged three times, but never married, and still a virgin!
That’s right, I’m a virgin. The reason all three of
my former engagements ended was because I refused to have sex
before marriage and, though two of the three men were okay with
that arrangement, I realized that my fear of sex was much more
than a mere wanting to save my virginity and I was afraid to have
sex even after marriage! Instead of seeing it as sacred, I also
see it as gross, and I am frequently uncomfortable whenever anyone
around me begins to discuss sexual matters openly. I don’t
want to end up single the rest of my life but the thought of sex
terrifies me and I hate to think that I’m ruining both mine
and my partner’s lives because of my phobia. What should
I do?
Sincerely,
Virginal Violet
Colorado Springs, CO
Dear Virginal Violet,
Though your case (that being
forty-two and a virgin) is rare in today’s society, it’s
not entirely unheard of either. However, your preserving your
virginity primarily out of fear rather than a moral stance (which
I’m assuming your initial intentions were the latter) does
signal cause for alarm. It seems that, throughout the years of
remaining chaste your “virginal status” has prompted
much hype and concern from all those with whom you are closely
affiliated. I’m sure your “v” card has become
the defining standard by which you are stereotyped; only further
provoking your fear of sex. However, as you alluded, sex is not
a terrifying thing, but a sacred gift that is to be appreciated
and cherished, not feared and disdained.
Since I am not a registered
psychologist I cannot offer any official diagnosis, though I’m
assuming much of your fear stems from childhood experiences (either
trauma, education, upbringing etc.), and has only been reinforced
in your adulthood by your being made to continually feel uncomfortable
and distinct (not necessarily in a good way) as a virgin. However,
that you found two men willing to wait until marriage and that
you bailed both times because you were so afraid of sex afterwards
is a problem, and yes, it is detrimental to both you and your
partner. You are keeping both yourself and your current/future
partner(s) from ever being truly happy because of your fear to
consecrate a marriage. There’s nothing wrong with waiting:
by all means, if you’ve waited this long please continue
to do so, however, your reasons for avoiding marriage need to
addressed by a professional who may be able to help you gain a
new perspective on sex, relationships, life, and yourself in general.
Before you enter into another serious engagement, or ditch a current
partner, seek professional help and let them open your eyes to
all the wonderful possibilities that sex has to offer.
PS: There’s also a lot
of great self-help books that deal with this issue as well that
can be found at major bookstores if you’re not quite ready
to visit a psychologist/psychiatrist.
Best wishes for love, life,
and happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
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Dear Dr. Goodheart,
I have been dating these two guys, quite casually,
and very openly now for awhile. Though I enjoy spending time with
both (and both know of the other), I must admit that I am torn
as to where to take either relationship. Both men are so different
and bring completely different pros and cons to the table so whenever
I try to decide which one to end and which one to settle down
with I find myself stuck. One guy is ready to settle down and
get super serious, and he is the type where security would never
be an issue, while the other guy is enjoying taking things more
slowly and working our way to a stable future. Both seem like
the ideal guy, which seems contradictory since they are so different,
so now I need help deciding what to do. Please help, Dr. Goodheart
!
Sincerely,
Clearly Confused.
Tustin, CA
Dear Clearly Confused,
It sounds like the only one
who can help you make a decision is yourself. I think first and
foremost you and your heart need to have a little (pardon the
pun) “heart-to-heart.” Only you truly know what you
want both now and for the future. That you’re so confused
about which guy to pick stems from simply having one too many
options. I don’t really believe that people have one particular
soul mate, though I do believe that people have types and that
several potential Mr. Maybes could be “Mr. Right”
at any given moment providing the timing is right: the fact that
you have found yourself compatible with two entirely different
people at the same time only supports the old adage, “timing
is everything.” Its likely that you could envision yourself
with either one of these guys but the question is which one do
you see yourself with right now and which one do you see yourself
with in the near and distant future? Hopefully all three answers
line up, but when is life ever that easy ?
If you can see yourself with
the more casual guy right now, but think Mr. Long-term is perfect
for well, long term, then you may want to evaluate what’s
most important to you right now for both your life and your potential
partner. Are you ready to settle down or no? If yes, you may want
to stick things out with commitment guy, if no, you may want to
stay casual with the low key partner. Either way, one thing’s
for sure: you can’t continue to date both at the same pace
without exacerbating your problem. Sooner rather than a later,
a decision has to be made.
Best wishes for love, life,
and happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
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