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Doctor Goodheart ... August Advice Column
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Dear
Dr. Goodheart:
There is this girl who I am really good friends with. We have so much fun together and we have so much in common with each other.
I am very confused by her lately. She knows very well that I have feelings towards her and it had always seemed to me that she had feelings towards me. When I finally decided to go ahead and see if she wanted to start dating, she said that she has had bad relationships in the past and doesn't want to lose me as a friend.
Is there any way that we could still possibly have a relationship in the future, or is it just a lost cause? Please help me.
Thank you very much,
Nick |
Dear Nick:
This sounds very familiar to a situation I went through in high school. Like your girlfriend, I was very close to a guy who eventually developed feelings for me. Afraid of losing him as a friend, and afraid of committing to relationships in general, I played ignorant, avoiding any conversation relative to "relationships" at all costs.
Eventually, I grew to have great feelings for him, though, afraid of how strongly I felt, I never revealed my secret even after several years more of friendship. Instead, I selfishly hoped that he would wait for me to finish college at which point I would be willing to give things a try. A year before I graduated, however, he moved on, deciding that anyone who takes that long to make up their mind must obviously not be interested. The moral of the story is this: TIMING IS EVERYTHING.
Though I am to be happily married to another man that I love very much, I know that I could have just as easily shared a wonderful life with this other man, the one I never let know how I felt. But I wasn't ready. This friend of yours may be going through much the same thing.
She could indeed feel very much attracted to you, even on an intimate level, but for whatever the reason, something is keeping her from committing to you on a more intimate level. It could be because she is afraid to lose you as a friend. Or, it could be because right now she's confused and really doesn't know how she feels for you. To avoid years of waiting, longing, and eventual heartbreak (or, perhaps you won't be heartbroken, but will find someone else and move on), I suggest you let things go, slowly, starting here and now. However, that's simply an opinion based on the results of my own personal experience; I don't believe an "objective" analysis of such a scenario is possible in this case. I'm not saying, however, that you shouldn't be friends with this girl anymore; nevertheless, I am saying that once the "cat is out of the bag," so to speak, as to how you feel about her, it's impossible to go back to the way things were before. Whether or not you are comfortable with that is something you'll have to decide. Rather than push her further into an awkward situation, allow the friendship to take its natural course; eventually, time will reveal whether or not you two are meant to be more than friends, just friends, or former acquaintances.
Without trying to sound too esoteric, in short, you have to trust in fate and timing to reveal the secrets life holds for you, personal relationships being no exception.
Best of luck,
Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com.
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Dear
Dr. Goodheart:
I don't really know whether you'll answer this or not, but I really need some advice.
You see, the problem is that I'm confused about the whole flirting thing, I'm not shy and I can approach a guy I like and start flirting, but somewhere in the process I get lost and end up simply being friends with most males I know.
Now I really like one of my colleagues, and I have flirted with him a little bit. But now I'm not sure
how to act around him. I thought that my hints were good enough to make him do the next step (e.g.
Thursday was a national holiday and we were thinking of working on Saturday as well in order to stay home on Monday, too. He asked me what I thought and I asked him in return if he would be in the office on Saturday. He asked me why. I told him that if he wasn't coming that I had no business in the office.
Now if that's not flirting then I'm more confused. However, he seems to be in some kind of a stupor lately. Maybe he's busy, or maybe he likes someone else? Maybe he only regards me as a friend?
I'm really confused. I don't know what to do. Should I just give up? Should I continue flirting or should I
act like a more serious and mature person so he doesn't think I'm easy to get?
I would really appreciate your advice. I don't want this to end up like all my other attempts.
Thank you in advance.
Daisy
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Dear Daisy:
I would say that, given the fact that you seem relatively confident with your flirting game for the most part, that you can't get a consistent "read" on this colleague, it may be more to due with him than you.
Perhaps, as you suggest, he is interested in someone else; or perhaps he is a naturally flirtatious man, and attracted to you though he may be, perhaps he has a significant other at home. This would make sense given that he responds to less flirtatious comments but simply avoids the more personal insinuations; it would also explain his suddenly "cooled" demeanor after the altercation as well. So, I would suggest that perhaps you try one or two more times to get the hint across and if he doesn't respond positively, I would suggest you move on. He may already be taken. A flirtatious humor is not something that can really be tamed; likewise, just because someone is flirtatious doesn't mean they have nay intention of acting on it, which could mean a string of unintentionally broken hearts (sometimes the most flirtatious of flirts can also be the most naïve as to the consequences of their actions).
From the sound of it, your advances definitely clearly spell out "I'm interested." If he is interested and single, he won't likely hesitate to comply. If, however, things remain cool and complacent, perhaps colleagues is all you should be, and no more.
Best of luck,
Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com.
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Hi Dr. Goodheart.
I am an independent 26 year old single mother. I haven't had any serious relationships in a while and am very careful who I bring around my son who's four. A few months ago a new employee who is my age started working with us. He's another race, which doesn't bother me, even though I know our relationship will take extra work. I find myself having a crush on him.
I have tried to tell if he's interested but at first he was very shy, barely speaking to anyone in the office. I found myself always coming up with a reason to go into his area to try and start small conversations with him. One Friday he came by my desk and asked if I had plans for the weekend, I said I keep pretty busy especially with this one (and I showed him a picture of me and my son). His immediate reaction was "Oh, I didn't know you had a kid." After that moment things simmered between us. Then over the past few weeks we had more conversations than ever, but it's either me asking him questions about himself or we're discussing work. He hasn't asked anything about me but I have learned so much about him. I just want to know how can I tell if there is anything there, my co-workers say we flirt because I'm the only female he really talks to. But for some reason deep down I don't feel he's interested in me. I always make him laugh when I see him but he can go all morning without speaking to me even if he's seen me more than once. My co-workers say he's just shy but lately he's been trying to crack jokes with me. Should I just forget about him?
Lost and Confused,
Miss T
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Dear Miss T,
First of all, I commend you for being such a strong, conscientious mother; especially being so young, you sound wiser and stronger than most other twenty six year-olds I know. As for your concerns regarding this fellow employee, I would say that any young man under thirty who discovers a fellow female colleague of his same age has a kid is likely to be surprised (how you have time to work and raise a kid is a miracle, most young men are in awe of; and sometimes this awe comes off as shock, hence the "Oh, I didn't know you had a kid"). This shouldn't be taken as an insult; it's simply his young brain trying to process things and of course, evaluating potentialities and compatibilities between you, which gets complicated since you aren't a typical twenty-six year old girl; you're a working mother, a woman. Consequently, his reserved demeanor should be read as signs of him trying to "feel you out." Just as you are being protective of your son, he's being protective of his own livelihood as a single bachelor, and perhaps, if he's a good guy, he's being protective of you as a single mother working to support her son.
A good guy will be careful to respect both yours and his respective situations and proceed with caution, which may mean periods of silence. The jokes are an attempt o re-connect, feel you out some more, re-diagnose the situation, and determine how he should further proceed.
If you feel you are interested in this man and believe there is sincere potential for something more than just casual "shop talk," chances are, you're going to have to be the more assertive one in moving things forward. Although, you are going to want to be assertive in ways that don't make you seem the desperate mother type, but rather, the single woman who's looking to find a partner, not a new father. I know this is probably common sense to you, because you are likely looking for that special someone and not an unstable father figure; but, you'd be surprised by how many men are afraid of the "daddy trap." To ensure him that this is not the case, just continue with the jokes and social conversation, proceeding at a slow and steady pace, gradually growing more personal with the conversations. After a few more "intimate" sessions, in a social setting of course, you'll get a good feel as to whether or not it's time to maybe meet outside the work place for something casual, like coffee. Who knows, you may even work your way up from coffee to cheesecake, and eventually you may even cross the bridge where you introduce him to your son. But, first, baby steps.
Best of Luck,
Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com.
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