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Doctor Goodheart ... September Advice Column
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Dear Dr. Goodheart:
I am a married woman, and the other day my husband was outside talking to one of our neighbors for awhile. Dinner was done I was waiting for him to come in but he did not finally I went out there and one of my friends was out there so I talked to that friend. We were all talking about bmx bikes which my husband restores. Well anyway, I asked my friend if she wanted to see the bikes we all go in my friend goes home but the other person was still here, and the whole time she was here she was pushing her chest out playing with the top botton on her blouse. And at one point she was sitting on the floor on her knees and started rubbing her upper legs, she was talking about her kids at one point also and how bad they were and said I need a man and then following that she said for that reason, which I don't think that is why she said it. Well anyway, when I go outside she does not talk to me much but when my husband is out there she will talk to him. She is an older lady, as old as his mom, he says she is attractive. I told him next time I see this I am going to say something to her but he says no don't, keep the peace, why should I keep the peace when someone is disrespecting me to my face? Also he said it could be her mannerism if it is her mannerism then it is inappropriate…
Help,
SR |
Dear SR:
I would agree with you that yes, this lady seems interested in your husband. Hurtful as it may seem, this is probably not unnoticed by your husband and the attention is always flattering and good for the ego; consequently, he probably subconsciously endorsees her comments without even realizing he’s provoking her to act in ways that are both inappropriate and offensive to you, his wife.
I would simply bring the subject back up with your husband the next time there is a little “indiscretion” with this woman, suggesting to him that you respect his attempts to be civil to her; however, as his wife, you do feel uncomfortable about her demeanor and, if he respects you as his wife, would he please consider cooling down his conversations with this woman? In short, you need to clearly express to your husband that you don’t feel so much threatened by this woman as you do offended by her actions and body language; his not talking to her quite so intimately is more a respect issue for you than a trust one—its not that you don’t trust him so much as you don’t trust her, which is why it is disrespectful for him to be engaging in conversations with her beyond what makes you feel comfortable. Yet, if your husband continues to speak with her against your will after your clearly express your reservations, you may want to consider re-evaluating the situation and the potential need for professional intervention.
For now, however, I would just remember that married men like to feel sexy and important too, and they will gladly welcome flattery regardless of the subject who brings it (though they generally prefer it from the woman they chose to settle down with in the first place; but, as every married couple knows, passion can be a dwindling factor as you “settle in” and get comfortable with marriage). Perhaps, then, this lady’s gestures are providing something that is missing in the home? Rather than getting submissive and offended by her competition, enjoy the adventure of rising to the occasion and beating her at her own game: dress up a little more, cook romantic dinners, and surprise him with unexpected, pleasurable nights-in — you just may find the anecdote to your problem lies in rekindling your own flame before extinguishing another woman’s!
Best of luck,
Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com.
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Dear Dr. Goodheart:
I recently got married and things have been going fine, until I noticed that the passion is totally not there. At least, I think what I am trying to say is that we fight all the time and bicker over silly things. To make matters worse, we’re constantly fighting over our families. I feel like each other’s family is always trying to tell us what to do, or being inconsiderate to us when we visit them, and they always want to dominate our time and have us constantly travel to see them. So, he yells at me about mine and I yell at him about his and things just get ugly to the point where we don’t want to deal with each other’s families or each other even. Help! I want this marriage to last but I can’t stand the way we fight all the time!
Manic Mrs., Peachtree, GA
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Dear Manic Mrs.:
Marriage is hard. I know, I’m struggling through the first year of it myself and had no idea how much I still have to learn about being selfless and respectful of my husband. If you want marriage to last a lifetime, however, then you both are going to have to come to terms with your respective family issues as well as address each other with the respect you both deserve and want to give each other.
When you’re frustrated with your significant other’s family, talking to them civilly can be a challenge because you take your frustration with their family out on them instead! Remember, your husband is not the bad guy (and neither are you), nor are your respective families. Rather, you’ve both been born and raised to think and act a certain way, conditioned by your families’ values and more. Now that you are both trying out marriage for the first time, there will be a lot of advice coming in from each other’s families; this can be overwhelming and insulting because you feel like an incompetent inadequate partner for your significant other, as well as disrespected that you are being treated like a child all over again. Just remember, their advice and overwhelming tendencies to be involved in your life to the point of annoyance is simply because they love you both and are trying to ensure their son (or daughter) is happily married.
Nevertheless, their interference with your married life can bring rain down on the party; so, rather than letting the families upset you and your husband, try and be respectful of their comments, actions, and desires, while at the same time respectfully distancing yourself from them and the situation. If they inquire as to the cold shoulder, you and your husband simply need to explain to them, as a team, that you are taking time to work on strengthening your marriage and yes, you would love to do “Thanksgiving” next year, pending availability. As a married couple, you’re in charge now and that’s not easy for either set of parents to understand, especially when it comes to holidays, vacations, and scheduling-in “family time.” Left unrealized, this causes a lot of anxiety and “family fights” among newlyweds. But, simply remember that you have the power to make it go away by clearly communicating to each other and to your parents that you and your husband are each other’s first priorities and you’d be happy to make time for the rest of the family with whatever free time is left over.
Best of luck,
Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com.
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Dear Dr. Goodheart:
I recently cheated on my wife with an ex from my high school days. We ran into each other about a month ago at a local coffee shop. After talking casually for about 5 minutes I started to realize how much I enjoyed her company and missed her companionship. Immediately I thought of my wife, but assumed that another cup or two of coffee wouldn’t hurt. Well, several coffee dates later and things started getting more intimate in the conversation as we began to rekindle that ol’ flame. Eventually one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together at her house. She knew I was married but for whatever reason we both decided it was ok. Now I’m feeling guilty and have no idea how to approach my wife about this, especially since I have been avoiding both women since the affair. To make matters worse, I really am starting to have feelings for the ex again, but I still love my wife. I’m very confused and feel like I love two people at once—what should I do? Help me, please!
Dazed and Confused, Detroit, MI
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Dear Dazed and Confused:
First of all let me begin by saying that under no circumstances do I condone infidelity. Cheating is cheating, be it emotional or physical, or both. Nevertheless, I do understand that you can’t necessarily control who you’re attracted to or how you feel about them; however, you can control how you react to those feelings, particularly when you’ve already involved yourself in a lifelong commitment, like marriage.
It sounds like you are currently “in over you head” at the moment, and are not psychologically in the place to be making any rash decisions. It is unfair to withhold this indiscretion from your wife; however, you want to make sure that when you finally come forth with your indiscretion that you have a clear conception of what you did wrong, how you currently feel about both women, and consequently, what you intend to do about it hereafter. That said, however, you also have to be prepared for what your wife has to say. Marriage is built on compromise, respect, and trust and, unfortunately, infidelity violates the latter of the two tenets. Once you confess your affair, your wife may be unwilling to forgive you, at least right away, and she may even suggest separation, either temporary or permanent. You need to be prepared for either scenario and work through how to handle either blow.
She is going to be hurt, there’s no questioning that. The next step is resolving whether or not that hurt can be repaired and that, if she’s willing to forgive, can she do so wholly and can you two resume your marriage? Then again, if you are having intense feelings for this ex, you may not want to resurrect your marriage and, in that case you are going to have to muster up the respectability to handle the consequences of your actions like a married man, hoping to avoid further hurting either woman—particularly your wife with whom your loyalties should ultimately lay, and, who is completely the victim in this situation. It’s going to be messy and probably unresolved at first, but time will eventually tell both you and your wife what is best for both of you. Until then, please treat her with the respect and loyalty she deserves, which means confronting her with the obvious.
Best of luck,
Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com.
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