Dear Dr. Goodheart,

There is this handsome dude in my English class and I'm very attracted to him. I saw him on Wednesday as I was on my way to the school library and he was eying me up as well as his friends. I didn't like it because I'm a shy person.  Well, we were in class today and I caught him twice looking at me from across the room. Is it like he is interested in me or what?

SM

Dear SM,

Usually guys won't go out of their way to let you catch them eyeing you… unless they want you to!  It seems your "handsome dude" may be a little smitten.  I say, follow your instinct and return his frequent eye contact with a coy smile.  Providing he's interested, your subtle signal should be inviting enough to initiate a conversation.  The ball's in your court from there on.  

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com

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Dear Dr. G.H,

My boyfriend says that he loves me, and sometimes I can feel it.  But latley he has been acting like an @$$ and I don't know what to do.  I really love this guy but I am VERY skepticle about his apreiciation for me.  At school he stands by me and sits by me at lunch, but in art class when him, one of my friends and I are talking he just doesn't really care for me.  At least that is what I think.  We have been dating for seven months and god I love him.  (Can you tell?)  When he and I are alone at Capitol Ice (that's where ALL my friends and I hang out) he and I are usually snuggled up in a corner separated from our friends, and we are just talking.  I feel so safe with him when we are like this.  It's kinda funny but I like him sooooooo much and he says he REALLY likes me too, but we haven't really kissed.  I mean we have pecked or whatever, but never actually "made-out".  And I want to so badly, but I am afraid. I just wanna know how I can forget my fear and just kiss him.
 
Your best Friend,

Kissing and Secrets

Dear Kissing and Secrets:

From the sound of your letter the whole "relationship" game is very new and you are a young girl embarking on many "firsts" and new experiences.  My best advice to you:  don't rush things.  Let time and intuition guide your decisions.  Younger boys can be very temperamental which means that, though they might seem head over heels one minute, they can just as easily seem "all about the boys" the next.  Don't take things too seriously.  Chances are they are just confused and trying to figure out their priorities in life. When the time is right you'll know, and it won't be a moment of intense stress and anxiety, but likely, a spontaneous moment that brings about great memories!  Until then, enjoy spending time with your girlfriends because, as most any "new" relationships goes, if the two of you hit it off you may be spending all of your time together.  

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com

Dear Dr. Goodheart,

I met this man at a Steer Roping, I am the timekeeper, you know the person who sits in the booth announcing times, who's next at the rodeo's, anyway. This man has been coming by since the summer, not everyday, but once in a great while, well he started coming by frequently, at first I just viewed him as any other roper, then the other day... He asked if I could hold his cell phone... I thought, what do I look like a cellphone holder? But this caught my attention..."If it rings, tell them... your my grlfriend and I am not there." I was shocked....so I responded..."ok...".

And another incident occured yesterday Friday, he left his sun glasses with me and said with a smile..." You can wear them...probably look better on you then me.." So I just kinda blew it off, and put them to the side, at the conclusion of the roping... he didn't come back up to get his glasses, so I walked across the arena and handed them to him. He... I cannot decribe it.. it was an "intimate handshake"? So I smiled and he casually asked where I lived... So I told him "Oh, across the road." I was so scared... and I was walking out of the arena and told him, " I will see you Wednesday." he acted like he didn't hear me and started walking up to me and asked what I said, "I said I will see you Wednesday." and I smiled. Then he said "Ok, see you Wednesday and turned around, and walked back to his truck.

See the thing is here I am 21 and sure I have had boyfriends, but I never really know how to flirt and fraternizing with the ropers was one thing that I swore to my self that I wouldn't do and all day I have been thinkin is it me he really likes? Or is it that I have the power to take 1 or 2 seconds off the time or let him rope for free? Well I am awaiting this upcoming Wednesday, any advice you can give me will be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Novice Flirter - AZ

Dear Novice Flirter,

It sounds like what you have here is your regular "Rodeo Romeo."  Not that that's necessarily a bad thing!  However, it does sound like your recent "crush" is quite the charismatic cowboy.  If you are slightly hesitant to dive in head first, for the reasons mentioned, I would suggest proceeding with caution.  It seems that you are more smitten than you may want to admit.  Rather than suppressing these feelings, simply watch your step.  Make this guy work for your affection rather than letting him use witty quips and charming one-liners to smooth his way onto your good side.  If this guy has a hidden agenda, a steady temperament and slow reaction from you just may expose any possible ill intentions on his behalf.  If his intentions are honest and good, however, your cautious and professional approach to "getting to know him better" will likely be the best thing to earn his respect and mutual affection.  

Go get 'em cowgirl!

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com

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Dr. Goodheart:

I am currently separated and see no viable chance that the marriage will recover.  That being said.... At work at a particular building we have been doing some work in.. there is this attractive blonde... When I first saw her. she gave me a nice smile ... since it has proceeded to short comments etc.   I have no idea if she is married.. no ring.  

I am 52 and she seems to be much younger late 30's to early forties if that ...  so I see that as a road block also.... The fact that we are at work also makes me hesitate to act. Just wondering what you think... I find myself looking for reasons to be in her area.... I dont quite have the nerve or know what to say to find out exactly where I  or she stands... maybe she is just a really friendly lady....

Thanks

Jim

Dear Jim,

It sounds like you are going through quite a tough time personally.  I am very sorry.  Times like these usually mean a long road to rediscovering the "Self":  personal wants, likes, dislikes, dreams, ambitions, etc.  During this new phase of your life you'll still be recovering from your previous experiences, and, from the sound of it, that marriage may have lasted quite awhile.  A divorce is no easy thing to get over, but that does not mean that you do not have the right to move on with your life and search for happiness, be that with a new person or no.  

The blonde at work could be potentially sticky.  However, at your age I’m assuming you have the professionalism and the maturity to treat the scenario gingerly and to treat the woman with the professional courtesy and respect she deserves.  

I wouldn't suggest you inhibit yourself from potentially pursuing something with this woman at work for the mere sake of not hurting your ex wife's feelings, IF the relationship is clearly over.  However, if you have any hope at all that you may rectify things with your ex wife I would suggest you consider cooling your jets until things are clearer between you and the wife.  Also, if the separation is recent you may want to keep any progress with a new relationship on the backburner, though eventually you will want to come clean for the benefit of both your ex partner, and your own conscience.  

For now, I suggest you proceed with a guarded heart.  Don't rush head first into things, since the scenario is potentially risky both professionally and personally.  You can't fully commit to the present, or the future for that matter, until the ghosts of the past are at peace.  I suggest making this your first priority.  Then, actively seek regaining that happiness you deserve, be it with the new woman or you ex wife.  

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com

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To Goodheart Doctor:

I wonder more with my friend about the degree of love in girls and boys(women &men) Who has more love than another (for his/her parterner) between man and woman? And to which extent do you think drops down the love of a woman/man when there's misconfort [discomfort?-GH].  Or to which percentage do u think it can reach for woman(girl) / man(boy) when she loves a lot. Please if possible estimate the rate of love in persentage for men /women. How does it differ? Personally I think, the love of women reaches up to 95% and drops down quickly to 5%. Men I estimate theirs reach 80% and slightly drops to 30%.  Can u give me your thinking on this?

Yours,

Wonders and Answers

Dear Wonders and Answers,

I am not quite sure I know how to answer your question.  In truth, I don't believe it can be answered.  I believe each person, regardless of the gender, is shaped by a set of unique experiences and ideologies that dictates their cognitive decision making processes, "life" philosophies, and their individual schematic for a desired partner.  I don't think it is fair, nor accurate, to say that a woman or a man can or does love more than the other.   Also, I think it is inaccurate to assume that the level of love- (for that matter, I don't think there's such a thing as levels of love) - drops in a relationship, irregardless of circumstance of times of trial.  I think Love, as the ultimate “end all, be all” goal of a relationship (and, arguably life for that matter), is something that is extremely rare to find.  I don't believe everyone is privy to finding it in life, though some may spend their whole lives searching.  

Though I do think you can learn to "love" a person, I strongly believe "True Love," whatever that abstract concept may mean, is rare and precious and when discovered, is more permanent than time… and indestructible. However, to kind of "get on your page," I do think women have had the tendency to get wrapped up in the emotive and the passionate aspects of a relationship (or at least that is the way media and literature has typecast them as behaving) which makes them appear more “in” or “not in” love with their partner.  Men have stereotypically been associated with “reason”- an ideology stemming back to the 18th century, and so it has regularly been accepted and assumed by society that men are less "emotionally committed" to their relationships than women.

However, from my experience and education I have come to the conclusion (though that doesn’t necessarily mean I am right either) true love knows no boundaries, percentages, and is not capable of quantifying or qualifying into any reductive category or label.  Love is indescribable, and above all, immeasurable.  And that’s what makes Love special: it is, like faith, like the Devine; above the Words and Reason of man.  I hope that helps.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com

Dear Dr. Goodheart:

I recently cheated on my wife with an ex from my high school days. We ran into each other about a month ago at a local coffee shop. After talking casually for about 5 minutes I started to realize how much I enjoyed her company and missed her companionship. Immediately I thought of my wife, but assumed that another cup or two of coffee wouldn’t hurt. Well, several coffee dates later and things started getting more intimate in the conversation as we began to rekindle that ol’ flame. Eventually one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together at her house. She knew I was married but for whatever reason we both decided it was ok. Now I’m feeling guilty and have no idea how to approach my wife about this, especially since I have been avoiding both women since the affair. To make matters worse, I really am starting to have feelings for the ex again, but I still love my wife. I’m very confused and feel like I love two people at once—what should I do? Help me, please!

Dazed and Confused, Detroit, MI

Dear Dazed and Confused:

First of all let me begin by saying that under no circumstances do I condone infidelity. Cheating is cheating, be it emotional or physical, or both. Nevertheless, I do understand that you can’t necessarily control who you’re attracted to or how you feel about them; however, you can control how you react to those feelings, particularly when you’ve already involved yourself in a lifelong commitment, like marriage.

It sounds like you are currently “in over you head” at the moment, and are not psychologically in the place to be making any rash decisions. It is unfair to withhold this indiscretion from your wife; however, you want to make sure that when you finally come forth with your indiscretion that you have a clear conception of what you did wrong, how you currently feel about both women, and consequently, what you intend to do about it hereafter. That said, however, you also have to be prepared for what your wife has to say. Marriage is built on compromise, respect, and trust and, unfortunately, infidelity violates the latter of the two tenets. Once you confess your affair, your wife may be unwilling to forgive you, at least right away, and she may even suggest separation, either temporary or permanent. You need to be prepared for either scenario and work through how to handle either blow.

She is going to be hurt, there’s no questioning that. The next step is resolving whether or not that hurt can be repaired and that, if she’s willing to forgive, can she do so wholly and can you two resume your marriage? Then again, if you are having intense feelings for this ex, you may not want to resurrect your marriage and, in that case you are going to have to muster up the respectability to handle the consequences of your actions like a married man, hoping to avoid further hurting either woman—particularly your wife with whom your loyalties should ultimately lay, and, who is completely the victim in this situation. It’s going to be messy and probably unresolved at first, but time will eventually tell both you and your wife what is best for both of you. Until then, please treat her with the respect and loyalty she deserves, which means confronting her with the obvious.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com.

Hi Dr. Goodheart.

I am an independent 26 year old single mother. I haven't had any serious relationships in a while and am very careful who I bring around my son who's four. A few months ago a new employee who is my age started working with us. He's another race, which doesn't bother me, even though I know our relationship will take extra work. I find myself having a crush on him.

I have tried to tell if he's interested but at first he was very shy, barely speaking to anyone in the office. I found myself always coming up with a reason to go into his area to try and start small conversations with him. One Friday he came by my desk and asked if I had plans for the weekend, I said I keep pretty busy especially with this one (and I showed him a picture of me and my son). His immediate reaction was "Oh, I didn't know you had a kid." After that moment things simmered between us. Then over the past few weeks we had more conversations than ever, but it's either me asking him questions about himself or we're discussing work. He hasn't asked anything about me but I have learned so much about him. I just want to know how can I tell if there is anything there, my co-workers say we flirt because I'm the only female he really talks to. But for some reason deep down I don't feel he's interested in me. I always make him laugh when I see him but he can go all morning without speaking to me even if he's seen me more than once. My co-workers say he's just shy but lately he's been trying to crack jokes with me. Should I just forget about him?

Lost and Confused,

Miss T

Dear Miss T,

First of all, I commend you for being such a strong, conscientious mother; especially being so young, you sound wiser and stronger than most other twenty six year-olds I know. As for your concerns regarding this fellow employee, I would say that any young man under thirty who discovers a fellow female colleague of his same age has a kid is likely to be surprised (how you have time to work and raise a kid is a miracle, most young men are in awe of; and sometimes this awe comes off as shock, hence the "Oh, I didn't know you had a kid"). This shouldn't be taken as an insult; it's simply his young brain trying to process things and of course, evaluating potentialities and compatibilities between you, which gets complicated since you aren't a typical twenty-six year old girl; you're a working mother, a woman. Consequently, his reserved demeanor should be read as signs of him trying to "feel you out." Just as you are being protective of your son, he's being protective of his own livelihood as a single bachelor, and perhaps, if he's a good guy, he's being protective of you as a single mother working to support her son.

A good guy will be careful to respect both yours and his respective situations and proceed with caution, which may mean periods of silence. The jokes are an attempt o re-connect, feel you out some more, re-diagnose the situation, and determine how he should further proceed.

If you feel you are interested in this man and believe there is sincere potential for something more than just casual "shop talk," chances are, you're going to have to be the more assertive one in moving things forward. Although, you are going to want to be assertive in ways that don't make you seem the desperate mother type, but rather, the single woman who's looking to find a partner, not a new father. I know this is probably common sense to you, because you are likely looking for that special someone and not an unstable father figure; but, you'd be surprised by how many men are afraid of the "daddy trap." To ensure him that this is not the case, just continue with the jokes and social conversation, proceeding at a slow and steady pace, gradually growing more personal with the conversations. After a few more "intimate" sessions, in a social setting of course, you'll get a good feel as to whether or not it's time to maybe meet outside the work place for something casual, like coffee. Who knows, you may even work your way up from coffee to cheesecake, and eventually you may even cross the bridge where you introduce him to your son. But, first, baby steps.

Best of Luck,

Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com.