Dear Dr. Goodheart:

I asked you for some advice in the October issue having to do with my interested in asking a co-worker out. My next question is whether there is a rule about dating younger men? I'm 37 yrs and my co-worker who is salesman is 29 yrs. He lives almost 2 hrs away. We'll talk on the phone occasionally about business but then this past summer he blurted out asking me if I had any kids and if I was married? I told him I haven't found the right one yet. Is he feeling me out? Does that mean he is interested in me? Should I have asked him if he was married even though I knew he wasn't? I don't know if he has a girlfriend. I'm still too chicken to ask him out thinking I'm too old for him. Last week, He showed up at my desk and was all nervous but then I was nervous too! We talked and then he had to go. He called me the next day for work and talked a little. Plus, I haven't heard from him for almost a month since then. Everybody thinks I shouldn't let the age thing bother me. In april, we have a work function we all have to be at and I always hang out with him so maybe something will develop.

Thanks!

Ericka

Dear Ericka:

For starters, I don't believe in "rules." Often, it is exactly one's intention to follow "the rules" of dating that produces miserable situations; (In fact, I was just talking to my girlfriend the other day and she told me that it was because of her determination to throw caution, and 'the rules' to the wind, that she was able to leave her unhealthy marriage and start a new, happier, healthier life with her recent boyfriend). Consequently, I stand firmly by the notion that being too cautious, too careful, and too rule-oriented can distract one from what they really want in a partner and out of life.

Stop obsessing over the propriety of dating younger men. Don't ask yourself questions like: how much younger of a man should I date? Is there a cutoff in age difference? Am I too old for him? Do away with quantitative analysis, opting instead for qualitative inspection. How about focusing on your coworker's personality? Is he a person you enjoy spending time with? Is he compatible with your personality, tastes and lifestyle preferences; these are more important and far more profound questions to ask yourself about a potential partner. Though age isn't entirely irrelevant, it certainly shouldn’t be the primary concern when "sizing up" a potential partner; in other words, if, at 29, this man is a mature, confident, goal-oriented man, as opposed to a darling boy enjoying what's left of his dying bachelor days, then what does the number (of his age) really matter? The answer is, of course, it doesn't. You should be more concerned with his maturity, in short, his persona rather than his age. The fact that everyone else is telling you to let the age thing go suggests to me that perhaps this 29 year-old coworker is, in fact, more of a man than a boy, and that is the most important factor to consider when contemplating starting something with him.

On the matter of asking him out, I say you allow things to proceed naturally. From what you have told me, he seems more than interested. Men, particularly younger men, don't generally act nervous around women unless they are interested in them on a personal level; the fact that he's inquiring as to the status of your marital and personal life only reinforces this notion. If, then, you find yourself compatible with this coworker, allow yourself a chance at finally finding the right one. The only way to know whether he is or isn't the one for you is by trial-and-error. Who knows, you may just surprise yourself.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com.

Dear Dr. Goodheart,

I am so very confused and need some help ... I am 34, I have been in a buddy-buddy relationship for the past 2 months. We are together everyday whether we get busy or not he is always here or I am always there ... we have never kissed I want to but not sure if he wants to. I need to know if men like women do they give off subtle hints (I know girls twirl thier hair fumble with thier keys) but what do guys do .. I have been the aggressor in everything we do but I am afraid to make the first move for a kiss. I am afraid of losing him as both a friend and a lover. How can I tell if he wants me to make the move and kiss him ...

Confused at 34

Dear Confused at 34:

At 34, "fumbling with your hair and twirling your keys" isn't going to send the same signals that they did 10 or so years ago. Still, being the aggressor in a relationship can be frustrating, particularly when you're trying to read a blank slate.

All the same, yes, guys often do signal that they are interested, but they're more obvious than you might think. For starters, the fact that this man is in his thirties and sacrificing a good chunk of his personal time to hang out with you, however "casual," is a good sign that he's not only interested, but more importantly, that he's ready to move on to a relationship with someone. His allowing all of his free time to be devoted to keeping your company signals not only that he enjoys your company in particular, but that he enjoys it more than hanging out with someone else, like the typical pack of bachelor buds.

Remember, it isn't easy for guys to commit to new relationships. Generally, the first thing guys do when they meet a girl they're interested in is to draw boundaries, signaled most typically by a conscious decision to limit the amount of time they want to spend with that person.. If this man is hanging out with you every spare moment, regardless of when and where, it's a good sign that you have become a significantly important part of his life. If nothing else, take that as a sign of his being interested.

If that's not enough to convince you that's he's interested, or, to save yourself the potential risk of "misreading" his intentions, allow the "first kiss" to unfold naturally. I can't stress enough how important it is not to force things; that doesn't mean, however, not to capitalize on opportunities when and if they present themselves. What I am stressing is the importance of not "forcing" someone into an awkward situation because you simply can't wait to learn if they like you. If they're interested, time and opportunity will oblige you to find out.

The next time you two are hanging out, scan his body language, observing when he seems most comfortable. When he appears most relaxed, take him by surprise, allowing language to communicate interest, rather than overt body language, which can not only make a man uncomfortable, but also, allows him the opportunity to pretend he simply didn't see it. Force yourself to make him confront the situation, asking him where/how he sees your friendship developing in the future. Generally, questions like this are direct but open enough to allow for an honest response. You don't want to make him uncomfortable; in other words, don't ask him questions like, "so, do you like me or not?" Direct, aggressive questions won't generally work well with passive aggressive types. So, keep things calm, cool, collected, and, again, use language, not your body to communicate direct, clear, concise messages about where you stand.

Best of Luck,

Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com.

Dear Dr. Goodheart:

I was standing in line at the Starbuck's in the building I work at with a coworker when this guy, I think waved at me. I've only seen this guy a couple of times and I wasn't sure if it was him and he was not close enough for me to tell, I didn't wave back. Now when he sees me he looks disgusted. I am attracted to him and now feel I've blown an opportunity to possibly get to talk to him. He caught me by surprise and I didnt react fast enough.

The first time I saw him he made eye contact with me, I did smile back. It's strange, we don't know each other and now I can't seem to muster up the courage to tell him that I didn't intentionally snub him. Is he disinterested now? Do I approach him and tell him I am sorry?

Thank you,

Lynn

Dear Lynn:

If this guys did try and initiate a friendly salutation because he was interested, then yes, you're not waving back may have caught him just as much off guard as you were caught off guard when waved to. I don't know if he should look "disgusted," but I would suspect that he would be a bit more sensitive and consequently, more reserved in his efforts to communicate. Rather than getting discouraged yourself, allow your casual acquaintance-status to enable friendly smiles and occasional "hellos."

Simple efforts to go out of your way to notice him will help send the message that you didn't intentionally not wave back; your insistent efforts to catch his attention should also signal to him that you are interested in talking to him more. If he initially felt an attraction towards you, the best thing you can do is to try and keep up the efforts to re-establish contact. Little smiles, salutations, and occasional questions help put you two back on the communicative path. Once there, you can casually bring up the obvious elephant in the room; in other words, say something to the effect of, "you know, the other day I was daydreaming when I saw someone wave at me. I feel horrible, though, because I have no idea who it was and I didn't wave back because by the time I realized they might be waving at me they had walked away. It occurred to me that it may have been you but I wasn't sure." Something vague like this is the perfect way to get out of the sticky situation by "playing dumb" the smart way.

Best of Luck,

Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com.

Dear Dr. Goodheart,

Recently, I've been having doubts about my marriage. There was always this other guy I could have gotten involved with, but never did. After he moved on, I found my husband, got married, and am now living life happy and content, for the most part. The one thing is though that I can't stop thinking about this other guy. I don't know if it's the holidays or whatever, but the nostalgia is stronger than just "what if," its more like "why not what if"? Is this making any sense? I really am happy with my husband, I love him dearly, but when I'm driving around, or when we go out to eat, I think about the other guy and wonder if I wouldn't have been happier with him instead, more loved or something like that. I want my marriage to work, and I do believe we mutually love each other, but how do I put this other guy out of my head so I can move on with my life?

Confused

Dear Confused:

As our relationships develop the dynamics change and it evolves into something more "stable," that 'ol flame threatens to submerge beneath the daily toil that we call life and responsibility. In times of stress, nostalgia rears its ugly head in want of an escape, so we give into daydreams of better days and/or dreams deferred. Don't give into the temptation; don't read too much into it. It sounds like you love and respect your husband, as he does you; it's likely that you've just come to an impass, settled into normality, and dulled the flame a little bit. It's not gone, it just needs a little help, a reminder of how much you loved each other enough to commit to each other for the rest of your lives. And, the more you work on improving your relationship with your husband, the more likely it is that your daydreams of Mr. Could've Been will slowly submerge comfortably back into your subconscious, letting you rest peacefully and quite in love, for the time being. Should those thoughts resurface, start your little regimen all over again.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart
Flirting.com

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Dear Dr. Goodheart,

With the holidays around the corner, my in-laws have been driving me crazy. We're supposed to go visit them for the holidays, which means offers of free plane tickets, gifts, etc. But of course once there, everything is on their schedule and every minute of mine and my husband's attention is dictated by their agendas. I have to admit, while I'm fond of them, they still drive me crazy. This is because my husband is the youngest sibling in the family so we're treated like little kids. We get stuck with tending house while the other siblings enjoy free time away from the house and family agendas. How do I have a happy holiday break without going nuts by the in-laws?

Overwhelmed Daughter-In-Law

Dear Overwhelmed Daughter-In-Law,

Remember when you said "I do"? It not only meant "I do" to the man, but also "I do" to the whole family that stands behind him, faults and all. So, as the holidays do approach try and remember that it is the season of family and love and all those warm fuzzy feelings that come with it. Even when in-laws are at their most controlling with their "agendas," try to remember that its likely they do so that they can "construct" the best possible holiday, even if its their best possible holiday. Though it is frustrating, and hard to deal with for extended periods of time (4 days is about my max), try to cut them some slack, and put on that happy face, if not only for your husband then for your sanity.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart, Fliritng.com

Dr. Goodheart,

Recently, my in-laws bought my wife and I a dog. Though we have wanted one for awhile, the puppy is only 8 weeks old and is a lot of work which has been causing a lot of stress. We are newlyweds with no kids and so this is very new for us. For my wife who works from home the dog has been a newfound chore in the day to day activities. By nighttime my wife is a combination of attached to the puppy, because she is so cute, and completely overwhelmed by the amount of attention it needs. This of course has complicated our sex life. We don't have any sex anymore. While I am also very attached to the dog, its sleeping in our bed is a problem. When we try and put her down, she cries and when we try and get intimate she comes between us. I really don't know how or when I can have my sex life back, but I'm over the hiatus. What do I do?

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

It sounds like you have found yourself in a tricky situation. While I completely understand your frustration with the puppy interfering with your intimate time with your wife (I know the same thing has happened with my husband and I because of our new dog as well), you must remember to fight those temptations to be jealous of the dog. It is, after all, a puppy, and it is learning and developing a whole new set of social skills as your wife sees fit to teach her (I say wife because you implied that she was around the dog more often than you).

Consequently, the dog is growing attached to your wife, and seeing her as a surrogate mother figure. As a puppy the dog still very much needs attention and care from the mother which will logically mean less time for you, the husband. This is a natural phase that your wife will have to fight, because it sounds like her maternal instincts are strong. The more your wife learns to distance herself from the "cute" puppy and treat it more like a dog and less like a "baby," the more your relationship will bounce back to its even keel status and sex will resume. Should your wife be wanting kids more than you know, however, its possible the puppy could dominate her affections for longer than you're comfortable with, at which point I suggest talking to your wife about these issues and seeing if you can come to some sort of resolution between your personal sex life and your plans for your life together, potential family included.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart
Flirting.com

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Dear Dr. Goodheart,

My boyfriend has recently asked me if I would be interested in a threesome. I have never done this before and though I'm intrigued I'm not sure I can handle my boyfriend getting intimate with someone else. Of course he wants the threesome to be with a girl and he tells me that its just to spice up our sex life because we've fallen into a rut. But we've only been dating for about a year and only having sex for three months. I am rather timid in bed, so I guess I can see where he is coming from but I am still uncomfortable about it. What do I tell him?

Scared

Dear Scared,

It sounds like your boyfriend is more sexually open than you are comfortable with. That he waited so long to have sex with you is a positive sign; however, that he's already rushing you into having a threesome, particularly if you are timid in bed, is worrisome. Does he really understand how insecure and uncomfortable you still are with sex? If not, it is important that you communicate this to him and the sooner the better. If he is aware of your sexual inhibitions, him pushing you to do things you're still uncomfortable with, in my opinion, is a sign that he either doesn't respect you as he should or that he's simply on a different page than you. It's likely you two aren't right for each other, both sexually and emotionally; this is something to consider before "giving in" and condoning his wishes. You don't want to agree to something this big if you're uncomfortable with it; not only will it permanently affect the dynamics of your relationship, it will permanently affect your psyche and your future outlook on men, even sex in general. So, before committing to anything, have a nice long talk with your boyfriend to make sure you both understand exactly where you are each coming from. Should he still insist, I must advise you to move on and find someone more supportive and respectful of your needs.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart
Flirting.com