Dear Dr. Goodheart,

My husband of three years and I have recently decided to get a divorce. Separated for over a year, we’ve both had time to get over the emotional strain of divorce. Though things aren’t final, I’m ready to get back out in the dating world and explore my options. Really, I’m looking forward to exploring my sexuality, having fun dating and kissing and seeing where things go. I am, however, concerned how this will look to many of my colleagues and coworkers; I work at a university, and in trying to establish myself in an academic career, I’m afraid my actions may jeaopardize the department’s professional opinion of me, particularly since I have decided to enjoy making out with one of my colleagues. Though I don’t expect anyone to talk about this stuff at school, I’m still having reservations; then again, I’m always too worried about what people think about me and wonder if I’m just being overly-worried. I want to have fun, and feel I deserve it after a messy separation and a year of no action, but don’t know if I’m being too anxious to get back out there. What do you think?

Nervous Nelly

Inland Empire, CA

Dear Nervous Nelly,

I do think that you are being a little too worried. Though its always good to want to maintain a positive and professional attitude around colleagues, you shouldn’t be so worried about people’s opinions that you censor yourself from having any fun and taking prime opportunity of your newly found single status. If you happen to find yourself casually having a little fun with someone you should realize that you are a grown woman and in no way doing anything wrong by a little harmless kissing. And if your colleague is the type to kiss and tell, well then its obvious they’re not at the level of maturity necessary to accommodate your needs. I say, yes, go out and have fun exploring your sexuality, but make sure that any attempts to kiss and run are with men who understand that you are in no position to get serious and need to just relax and enjoy being a single woman again. By the way, I do think it’s a good thing to limit your “sexual explorations” to just kissing and casual foreplay, since, as you said you have no intentions of getting serious with any of these men, you don’t want to complicate things with sex. I don’t think I need to tell you, by the way, that frequent casual sex with colleagues is a sure way to damage the reputation; kissing, however, is completely harmless and part of the perks of a 21st century society where men and women work and play in the same quarters!

Best of Luck,

Dr. Goodheart

Flirting.com

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Dear Dr. Goodheart,

I really like this guy at my work. We’re colleagues at an elementary school, and we frequently take “breaks” together, and our offices are in the same little nook. We’ve established quite a rapport, and sometimes it's more flirty than casual, though feels harmless nevertheless. Now for the clencher: we’re both married. I don’t want our casual flirting to go any further in a way that would jeaopardize our respective relationships, yet at the same time I have to admit that our banter does make work more enjoyable. What should I do? Is this considered cheating, and if no, how do I proceed cautiously so that nothing ever enters that realm?

Help!

Cautious Flirt

Seattle, WA

Dear Cautious Flirt:

Perhaps you’re more interested in this man than you’re comfortable admitting on a conscious level? Remember: you’re married, not dead. Your libido is still kicking and, despite your spiritual and marital vows to your husband, it doesn’t know the difference between “husband” and “hot teacher.” The important thing is how you choose to respond to these newfound urges and feelings developing towards the “other man.” If you’re already debating how to handle things with this guy, chances are you already know, however subconsciously, that there’s potential for this to evolve into something more should one of you cross the line so to speak. Rather than letting it get to that point, however, abandon ship altogether. Its very hard for men and women to have strictly platonic relationships, and aside from the risk of your husband getting jealous, you’re recognition that something serious might have a possibility of developing between you and your flirt could be a signal that its time to gently bow out and defer to civil tactics instead. The “cool,” not cold, shoulder should help send subtle but civil hints to this guy that you are sticking to your commitments with your husband, and although you fancy him, it's not worth the risk. If he’s as respectable and cool a guy as you think, he’ll respect your decision and take your lead.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart

Flirting.com

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Dear. Dr. Goodheart

I’m seriously considering asking this man to marry me. We’ve been dating for four years, talked about kids, marriage, the house with the white picket fence, all of that. But despite our talks, there’s still no “knee action,” and still no ring. Now, I’m not one of those girls all into big rocks and stuff, but like any normal girl, I am wanting a secure and healthy relationship and the ring is a nice, happy symbol. I just want him to finally get over whatever anxieties he is having about proposing so we can move on with life. When I ask him why no proposal yet, he simply gets coy and say’s he’s “not ready,” and that he’s “waiting for the right time.” To make matters more stressful, he's already bought the ring (proof, I suppose, that he does intend on proposing, but for god knows what reason, he hasn’t yet). So what do I do? I am ready to just ask him to take whatever pressure he may be feeling off of his shoulders. At the same time, I don’t want to emasculate him and add to insecurities by taking charge of a traditionally male custom. What do I do? I’m ready already.

Frustrated Future-Fiance

Orange, FL

Dear Frustrated Future-Fiance:

I’m all for women’s rights and being independent and such, but I am a bit of a sucker when it comes to marital traditions. Call me a hypocrite, but I do think it best if the man proposes; that’s not to say, however, that I wouldn’t possibly propose given the circumstances and the man necessitated my doing so. I don’t, however, think that is the case with you.

If this guy is strictly hesitating a proposal because of some stress as to doing it right, you may not want to propose first because, yes, you will potentially “emasculate” him, rendering his plans a joke. Your beating him to the punch with something he’s already said he intends to do, suggests that he isn’t capable of doing it right or expediently enough, which means you could be getting the engagement, and future marriage, off to a rocky start with all kinds of weird trust and insecurity issues that may be avoided if you just slow down and give him the time and space he needs. I’m not saying you should continue to talk about marriage for four more years without so much as an attempt on his part to propose; however, he did buy the ring. He’s planning on proposing, he just hasn’t figured out a way to do so that he thinks is “perfect” for you; that in and of itself should be flattering. Cut him some slack and, hard as it may be, try not to think about it. When the moment finally comes, it’ll be that much sweeter.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart

Flirting.com

Dear Dr. Goodheart,

I’m in love with this girl but she just wants to be friends. At least she’s never said she’s ever wanted anything more than that. Though it took me a couple years to work up enough courage to confess my feelings, after doing so, she kind of just ignored it, pretending nothing ever happened. We hang out a lot, and she considers me a good friend, but it's hard being around her because time together feels intimate, like we’re dating, at least to me; but to her, it's just friends hanging out. Sure she objects to my paying for dinner and movie tickets, and always tries to pitch in, but I want to take care of her. I think I could marry her. I think she has feelings for me but is just too scared to tell me. So what do I do? Do I wait around for her to get over whatever fears or hang-ups she’s having, or do I move on? To make matters more complicated, one of my other friends has expressed she’s interested in me, and I have to admit, I wouldn’t mind dating her if it would help me get over this other girl; besides, we’re friends and she’s attractive and I think I could be happy with her. But I don’t want to hurt this other girl, and I’m really in love with her, I’m just afraid nothing will ever become of it...

What do I do?

Patiently Waiting,

Harrisburg, PA

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Dear Desperately Waiting,

It sounds like you’ve entered the classic realm of boy likes girl, girl thinks she likes boy, but girl is afraid to like boy because: 1) that may mean the end of liking any new boys ever again, eg. its “happy ever after,” for good, or 2) if things don’t work out, she loses a really good friend. When women develop substantial friendships with men, it’s nearly impossible for intimate feelings of sorts not to develop. Eventually, if there’s mutual understanding that there are romantic feelings on both behalves, the possibility for a healthy, long term relationship is in the making. Sometimes those relationships develop out of friendships established early on, and as you two grow up and develop into the respective man and woman that you are, you begin to realize that this could be the person for you. In the meantime, however, you may or may not be casually dating all these other prospective loves, only to turn back to your “friend” for that shoulder to cry on or that person to laugh with when things don’t pan out as expected with the latest fling—inevitably things don’t pan out—as your heart already belongs to someone else.

It sounds like this girl likes you but is afraid to commit because she’s already seeing her “social life” disappear; she dates you, you fall in love, you marry, the end. When a woman realizes she may have found “the one” in one of her really good friends, she has a hard time knowing whether or not to pursue a relationship because she may not be ready for a serious relationship yet, and/or she may not be ready to give up all possibilities of multiple serious relationships; if you’re the one, then all bets are off, right? It’s a scary reality for many guy-girl friends, and the sad reality is that only about half of them manage to work out—hence the “high school sweetheart” stereotype. The other half don’t; it could be because one or both of you are too afraid to give it a try. Meanwhile, this other woman has strong feelings for you…

Before pursuing anything with her, however, I would suggest talking to the “it girl” once more, explaining to her that you feel a certain way and are willing to wait if she knows that she wants to eventually commit to you; however, if there’s no intention on her part to get involved with you, then you’d like to pursue your other options. This is the only fair way to force your dream girl to confront her feelings and tell you how she honestly feels. When you put the ball in her court, she’ll either 'man-up' and you two can happily enjoy exploring the possibilities of a relationship, or she’ll sheepishly bow out, telling you that she’s so happy you found someone and that she hopes you are happy with this girl. But the only way to know is to take some action.

Either way, it sounds like you’ve come to a point where you realize that “being friends” isn’t a possibility anymore and that now is the time for change; eventually, something’s gotta give.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart

Flirting.com

Dear Dr. Goodheart,

I'm a good looking guy, I have common sense (i'm not stupid!), I dress well, i'm in good shape, I don't talk too much, I like listening, i'm kind of confident(not cocky), I know that women are attracted by men that have confidence, humor, respect, understanding. What am i doing wrong that I don’t attract them?  I'm 24years old, I'm a college student  and i have never had a relationship in my life because every girl that i like, the girl feels the opposite.  I felt in love (infatuation) 7-8 times and none of these girls was willing to have a relationship with me.  I'm looking to find the thing on me that i can't see, the thing that repels women from me. You are the doctor and i’m sure you will tell me which is the thing that i'm doing wrong and how can i correct it...

Thanks a lot!

Nickolas

Dear Nickolas,

First of all I would suggest being a little more reflective… you’re only 24 years old!  You are still very young, AND in a period of transition; going to college is no easy thing- it requires a lot of time and commitment.  If you’re working a job, that only adds more pressure to the college student trying to balance a “social life” with their responsibilities.

That said, it also sounds like you are hypercritical- don’t be.  

We are all our biggest critics:  the skinny girl looks in the mirror and says, “I’m fat”; the genius gets a A- on his paper and thinks, “I’m an idiot”; and the many single folks out there who fall in love time and again only to wind up still single, ask “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME!”  The answer is: NOTHING.  

Instead of thinking there’s something wrong with you, try flipping your perspective.  Chances are you just haven’t met the right person yet: there’s nothing wrong with you and you’re not wrong for them, they’re not right for you!  And while it may seem like everyone BUT you is off having fun with significant others, casual or otherwise, I promise, you are not the only single person on the planet that sits at home wondering why the phone isn’t ringing.  

So what to do?  First off I would recommend maybe “sheltering” your heart a little more.  You said you fell in love “7-8 times”!  That’s an awful lot, especially for someone your age.  I would recommend trying to be more casual, more friend-oriented, rather than relationship driven. Usually when you’re not looking….that’s when that perfect someone- be they Ms. Right, or Ms. “Right Now”- walks into your life!  For the time being try focusing on other aspects of your life- like school, and your friends.  Enjoy “Guys Nights Out” at the bar and relish your single moments.  And, try not to judge yourself.  

I can’t tell you “what’s wrong with you” by a simple email.  And, more importantly, I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with you. I think it’s all a matter of timing.  When the time is right, the right girl (for you!) will have mutual feelings.  Until then, drink some beer, throw some darts, and work on your degree…You have the rest of your life to fall in love (really!).  

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com

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Dear Dr. G.H,

I was just wondering what is the common courtesy of emailing to a co worker that I'm interested in? I've known this guy for 4 years and he is a salesman where I work. I work in the office and I don't see him often except for work functions and he lives 2 hours away. I only talk to him on the phone. I'd like to get to know him on a more personal level but how can I approach this? I sent him a few emails and made small talk. He called a few times to chit chat. He told me we'll talk soon. I thought of sending him an email from my home email. I thought of asking him to lunch but wasn't ready for it!  I don't know how to talk to him on a personal level especially at work but I'm in my own cubicle. Can I send him an email from home to his work email?

Thanks!

Ericka

Dear Ericka,

It sounds like you already have quite a little “mini” relationship going on with this guy. He’s readily responded, and positively at that, to your emails, phone calls, and “shop talk” at work.   Don’t worry that nothing has happened yet.  When he says, “We’ll talk soon,” but hasn’t followed up on it yet, it could be because he’s swamped with work; or he could be nervous.  Maybe he likes you but feels like your demeanor is too “business-y.”  Try amping up the personal level of your conversations, whatever medium or location they occur in.  And, though I think there’s nothing wrong with emailing his work email from your home (at least not in this case), chances are he checks his work email at work, and your emailing him there may put him in an uncomfortable position (good for you and your perceptiveness!).  However, if he is interested, he probably wouldn’t care.

Still, if you want to push this thing to the next level but are afraid it wouldn’t be courteous to email his work email from your personal email, I would instead suggest emailing his work from your work email and just amp up the content- Its not where you send the letter from, but what the letter says!  Ask him out for coffee the next time he is in your area. Or, try lunch even.  If he’s interested he won’t hesitate to take you up on your offer.  And, once you finally get him out of the business world, and away from the safety net of phone calls, you can evaluate his true personality and see just how compatible you guys are, or aren’t- hopefully it’s the former!?

So, I say, forget about HOW you get in contact with him again.  Rather, focus on what you SAY when you do. Be a little more aggressive and let him know that you would really like to talk to him, in person, and away from the working world. After that, the ball’s in his court!

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com

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Dear Dr. Goodheart,

My husband is one of the many "lookers", meaning his eyes will take him on a journey unspoken when he beholds an attractive woman.  I know men will look and would never think of even remotely changing this, however, this is the question I have. Not only does my husband look, but his whole demeanor changes when he gets around my best friend. Whats up with this? I draw the line at respect. Where is the respect for me and where is his mind?

Thanks,

Disrespected in Sin City

Dear Disrespected in Sin City,

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said, “I know men will look and would never think of even remotely changing this.”  Yes.  Men ARE going to look, and yes, we, as sensitive, loyal, loving women are going to feel hurt, even if only slightly.  Still, as you also suggested, respect IS a huge part of any relationship and no marriage can sustain itself without it.  

Still, it may be the case that your husband has a little “crush”- and I say that with huge reservation because I don’t think he has any intention of jeopardizing your marriage, nor do I want to put such an idea in your head.  Still, I think it’s only fair to put the situation in perspective:  can you honestly say you’ve never looked at another man, lustfully or otherwise, during your marriage and thought “wow!” Like men, women are human, and we too look.  We too have our little “crushes”- be they Brad Pitt or the next door neighbor.  However, his total “demeanour” change around your best friend can be very unnerving, even for the most tolerant wife.  And, you can feel disrespected because his body, not just his eyes, is betraying his status as your husband.

However, instead of getting yourself worked up and assuming things that are likely not true, I would suggest you have a serious conversation with your husband about how his demeanor around your best friend not only makes you feel uncomfortable, but it also hurts your feelings; you don’t feel like he is being respectful of not only your relationship, but you as a human being who’s feeling are being ignored.

Chances are he is oblivious to what he’s doing.  If you bring it up to him and show him that you really want to work this out because you do love him and don’t want his behavior to affect your marriage, its likely he will be only too willing to stop acting this way around your friend.  He’ll likely check himself right then and there.  Though I can’t promise anything, I think communication is going to be your best route.  He’s your husband and therefore, you want to give him the benefit of the doubt before you accuse him. But, you also need to feel respected.  A good conversation about how his behavior isn’t just “harmless,” since you ARE feeling disrespected, is likely your best option, and a segue to a happier, healthier relationship.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com