Ask
Doctor Goodheart ... Flirting
Advice Column (page 2)
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Dear Dr. Goodheart:
I have been separated for almost a year; soon-to-be divorced
from a 5-year marriage. To be honest the though of dating
again hasn’t really crossed mind. Today while I
was on my lunch break, a new employee (who was also taking
her lunch break) was chatting with me. Eventually this
lady was flirting with me. I felt a bit overwhelmed, because
for some reason it made me think of what my ex had put
me through. Although my common sense tells me that not
every female is going to put me through what my ex did,
I couldn’t help but feel very uncomfortable. Even
though I have a personal policy against work place romances,
it makes me wonder how I would have felt she was not a
coworker. Why do I feel this way in spite of what my common
sense tells me? How do I get over that feeling?
Sincerely,
Single Again CPC. |
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"They’re
not all like your ex, but you’ll never know unless
you give them a chance."
Dear Single Again,
Having been separated for
a year, you’re psyche has already been through the
ups and downs of separation, solitude, and hopefully,
the healing process of moving on from a past relationship.
All the same, five years is a long time to commit to anyone.
Consequently, your past relationship will inevitably have
left some impressions on your heart and mind about what
a relationship should be, could be, was, and at times
what a relationship is not.
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Instead of letting your current, fragile
psyche shut out every opportunity at companionship however,
allow yourself the opportunity of at least trying to make
friends. There’s nothing better than a support group,
particularly when you’re going through a tough time.
Considering the former “rock” of that support
group is now the one person you are separating from, it
is only natural that you instinctively find yourself wanting
to fill the void with another potential partner, companion,
friend, etc.
Though you’re probably in no place
to start another serious relationship, there’s nothing
wrong with allowing yourself to enjoy life and the perks
of a social scene, even if it is with the other sex. Don’t
feel guilty in any way for taking an initiative to proactively
move your life forward in a positive direction.
That said, it sounds like you’re
still quite hurt from your last relationship; as such,
you are probably dealing with a lot of trust issues, which,
to be painfully honest, won’t heal overnight, no
matter how marvelous the potential new partner. Still,
you shouldn’t be afraid to let yourself get close
to someone new, old or otherwise, and vice versa. On the
same note, though, to be fair to her, you should clearly
articulate your reservations about getting into a new
relationship because of your recent divorce; any person
worth investing in will be considerate enough to give
you ample time and space to prepare to step bravely back
into the dating world, at your own pace, on your own terms.
Though dating someone in the work place
can be risky, it can also be a really fruitful opportunty
as well. Coworkers usually find that they have more than
just their jobs in common since it is likely that similair
personality traits drove them to apply for that job in
the first place. Exploring opportunities in your career field
is a great way to try to reconnect with people who share
the same professional and personal goals as yourself.
As long as you proceed cautiously, you may find yourself
entering some very promising territory.
Best of Luck in Love & Happiness,
Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com. |
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Dear Dr. Goodheart,
I am a girl in my mid twenties and until now i never had a boyfriend. While I am attractive and smart, I
am naive in love matters and dont
know how to play or understand subtle language. There is a guy I like a lot and we are in the same department
but not the same classes. I see him every day as we meet in
the computer room to study at the same time. I am falling for him and I think
he notices that i get nervous while trying to catch
his attention. When I am close
to him my heart beats so fast and I feel like
I'm falling or choking so I cant look or talk
to him. I am afraid that he will
think I am too forward if I talk to him so I just don't try. Do you think I should start a conversation with him or
not?
yours,
Cheeky |
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"Stop
‘em dead with that killer smile."
Dear Cheeky:
Considering you seem rather
insecure about the whole dating thing, I think it would
be best to focus on how you can best handle this situation
á la positive reinforcement. It seems obvious that
you are interested in this guy: note the heart palpitations
and “choking.” Violent physical reactions
towards a man signals more than nervousness about love;
they signal an overall insecurity with dating and relationships
in general…
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That said, if you’ve never been
involved with someone, the very concept of starting a
relationship can be terrifying, even nauseating. The thought
of entering the realm of the dark and unknown romantic
world of dating, complete with the potential baggage of
heartbreak, breakups, fights, and other messy interludes
that do and often accompany most relationships, to one
degree or another—sorry, just trying to be completely
honest—can be quite scary. Still, it is very important
to muster up enough courage to actually break out of your
shell and put yourself out there for people to notice.
And, trust me, people notice shy, insecure people for
the very trademark gestures: choking, shaking, nervous
jitters, etc., that you are afraid of exuding to your
crush. Still, I do know that telling someone to just “shack
up” is a lot easier than actually doing it; nevertheless,
at some point your crush is going to think you have some
sort of epilepsy if you don’t switch your nervous
twitches out for something more assertive and self-confident.
Try a simple smile; maintaining eye-contact is always
good. Start with baby steps. Also, a simple “hello,”
along with a smile, helps to break the ice; it also puts
the ball in his court, allowing him to make the next move.
It should be noted that if he is as nervous
as you are, you may find yourself faced with someone as
awkwardly silent as you have also been behaving. Don’t
freak out; some people may take as much encouraging as
you do—hard to believe, yes, but true. On the other
hand, provided he isn’t so shy, however, you should
find your “hello” reciprocated with an equally
friendly “hello,” regardless of personal feelings;
most people with manners always return a public salutation.
Since you seem rather nervous about the
whole “dating” thing, I don’t want to
overload you with “rules” and suggestions
for transforming you into a dating goddess. It is imperative
that you first and foremost feel comfortable with who
you are, and then, as you gain more and more confidence,
learn to feel comfortable around others by acting more
approachable and friendly. If someone thinks you’re
nervous, they may not know if your nervousness stems from
something they’re doing, which, ironically, can
make them feel insecure and uncomfortable in return. To
avoid hazardous mishaps like this, simply throw “smiling”
and small salutations into your daily persona for a more
approachable, confident, comfortable you that will be
sure to catch the eye of that certain someone in a more
positive way than before.
Best of Luck in Love & Happiness,
Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com. |
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Dear
Dr. Goodheart:
Ok so I heard through a friend that you know everything
and anything about relationships and well help me. The guy I like is my friends
moms boyfriends nephew and room mate... if that isnt a mouth full...
I dont know what to do about him, i'm a shy girl and I dont know how to come right out and tell him I like
him. He must know that I do and we flirt all the time and
he tell my friends mom how hot I look and all that stuff.
Well we were hanging out the other night and we talked
for about an hour with non-stop and it was wonderful.
I felt some kind of connection there and I dont know where
to take it now. I was over at thier house last night
and I called him and asked him when he was coming home
because he was at a friends watching the eagles game. He said soon I wanna see you! But when he came
home he hung out for a little and then went to bed because
he had to be up in the morning. I understand that but I
want him so bad and I dont know how to go about it.
please help me
lost in pennsylvania...... |
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Sometimes
going to bed early can be a positive thing
in the beginning
of a new relationship.
Dear Lost in Pennsylvania
It sounds like your past the
initial connection point. The fact that this guy left
a football game to hang out with you is HUGE! Football
is like a ritual for most men; its “the” thing
that brings men together, allowing them the opportunity
to binge on all things carbonated, alcoholic, and salty,
while they trash talk about all things sporty
and relationship-wise without having to offer an apology
for their resorting to primitive behavior.
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The fact that this guy made the sacrifice
to call it a night with the guys and head home to hang out means that he is interested, on some
level. The fact that he also frequently drops your name
in the company of your friend’s mom is also a positive
sign of attraction. In short, it sounds like you have
all of the proper signals necessary for
a positive attraction.
What
does worry me, however, is the emphasis on the physicality
of the attraction by both you and him. You say he likes
to brag about how “hot” you are to your friend’s
mom: “hot” not “beautiful.” And
you say you “want him so bad,” rather than,
“I really want to get to know him better,”
or, “I think he’s someone I could really see
myself with.” Not that physicality is bad, but if
a relationship is primarily built on lust from the start,
it’s bound to fail 9.9 times out of 10. A healthy
relationship is built on positive communication, connection,
and commitment.
What is encouraging, however, is that
you suggested that your guy came home and went to bed
after “hanging out”—which, by your word
choice, I have to intuit you were suggesting that you
just hung out and that’s all—hence your disappointment.
Here I have to say, however, “kudos to him.”
The fact that you were there when and he went to bed and he didn't initiate anything physical is a positive sign; it shows that he may be
trying to get to know you before getting physically involved.
Out of good conscience, I have to admit that I hope you
follow the same path and allow the physical to come after
you’ve established a strong emotional connection
that displays the ability to sustain a relationship when
the physical fails to satisfy. I realize this may not
be what you wanted to hear, but I strongly believe this
is the healthiest way to proceed, for both you and him. By slowing down and following a more committed, rather
than physical path, you allow yourself the opportunity
to more sincerely examine yours and his compatibility
before sex enters the picture. It only ever complicates
things in rocky relationships that rely on purely psychical
rather than emotional, or communicative interpersonal
dynamics.
Best of Luck in Love & Happiness,
Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com. |
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
Recently I spotted this attractive man at the local
Starbucks. Usually I frequent the place at the same time Mondays,
Wednesdays, and Fridays. After spotting him last Friday, where we
made eye contact at length, I noticed he made a reappearance the following
Monday. Though I didn't see him Wednesday, I did see him this past
Friday. On all three occasions we made eye contact after what I believe
to have been his initiative. Believing his reappearances to have something
to do with my visits I am writing you to ask what, if anything, I
should do. I am very interested but he won't take any action beyond
the initial eye contact. Should I approach him, smile, begin a conversation?
Would it be too forward to ask him out on a date ?
Thank you,
Confused Coffee Gal
Dear Confused Coffee Gal,
Since you failed to mention why
you frequently attend your local Starbucks I am going to assume
its close to work or home and part of the daily regimen. Whatever the case, if you have repeatedly seen this man it seems
that perhaps you are spending more than a casual 15 minutes in the
joint so as to have plenty of time to espy this smitten man. Having
concluded that you are in fact interested in moving beyond an initial
eye contact I suggest giving a more than friendly smile to him the
next time he looks your way. If he seems responsive to your friendly
gesture I suggest that you perhaps advance towards his table and begin
with a simple hello. Generally his following response and body language
will be a good indicator of his level of interest. And, if I might
add, if it seems that you have been frequenting Starbucks regularly
and upon your first noticing this man you have thereby frequently
noticed his subsequent visits, it is possible that yes, he may in
fact be going out of his way to see you and has yet to work up the
courage to strike up a conversation. Therefore I suggest doing the
21st century thing and act the part of an assertive woman: A man never
makes repeated eye contact unless he's interested to some
degree. For bonus tips, if he's not drinking a beverage at the time
you initiate conversation, suggest buying him a beverage; it's an
easy way to break the ice and smooth your way into conversation.
Best wishes for love, life, and
happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
I met this wonderful woman the other day at the local daycare center.
As a single, divorced man with two kids, placing my children in daycare
is the best option I have at the moment while working a 50 hr/wk trying
to support them. My wife died about two years back from breast cancer;
luckily both the kids were very young and don't really remember much
about it. But every year I spend alone I grow lonelier and until the
other day at the day care I didn't think I would have found another
woman I could possibly be interested in. After spending about 5 minutes
discussing our children's latest macaroni projects and imaginary friends
we parted ways with cordial smiles. I didn't notice a ring on her
finger but couldn't imagine a woman like her not being taken. What
do you suggest I do? Would it be inappropriate to initiate a conversation
pending her marital status? I don't want to offend her but we seemed
to hit it off and if she is by any chance in fact single, I would
love to take the opportunity to possibly offer her some more grown-up
company in her spare time.
Respectfully,
Desperate Daddy
Los Angeles, CA
Dear Desperate Daddy,
First, my condolences about your wife. Secondly,
though on the surface it may appear that you have yourself a precarious
situation: hitting on 'mommy's' is always an ambivalent event and
possibly embarrassing if they end up being married. However, usually
married women will wear rings, though that may not always be the case.
That said, if you two have already established
an initial contact (I’m assuming a five minute conversation
about each other's kids was enough to allow a proper introduction
and exchange of names) then you are already two steps ahead of the
game. Now, her friendly reception could just be an indicator of her
personality; she may just be a friendly married woman who's very proud
of her kids and eager to talk about her pride and joy, or, she could,
in fact, be a single woman looking to spice up her personal life.
I suggest assuming the former, that she is indeed married.
The next time you see her, if you two manage
to strike up yet another conversation, in the midst of your next discourse
on macaroni macramé and other daycare activities, slyly make
a reference to her husband such as, "so what does your husband
think of the kiddies art projects?", or "your husband must
be so proud!", etc. If she is married she will happily reply
to your questions without any reservations. However, if she is single;
be she a divorcee, a widow, or a single mommy, she may answer slightly
awkwardly to the questions or commentary, however, if she does proceed
with an answer that is usually a positive indicator. Moreover, if
she still seems encouraging and continues to talk with you after
the semi-awkward moment, that also is an even better indicator of
further potential. That said; proceed cautiously for she may be a
fragile woman with a history. So long as you're interested, show her
the respect she deserves and take time and interest in her past as
much as your potential future together.
Best wishes for love, life, and happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
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Dear Dr. Goodheart,
My fiancee and I have been living together for quite some time and though
we are quite happy with our relationship we seem to have lost that
spark that we had when we were first dating. I really love her and
am looking for a way to show her that as much as I am excited to spend
the rest of my life with her, I also want us to maintain that passion
that we once had. Any suggestions on how to break it to her in a gentle
and encouraging manner?
Thank you,
Curious George,
Omaha, Nebraska
Dear Curious George,
It should be expected, albeit disappointing,
that in time everyone's relationship will tend to lose that initial
flame. Just like the first days immediately following a wedding, the
first few months of a relationship are generally termed 'the honeymoon'
stage where everything is fresh and new and both of you are overjoyed
with the progress of the relationship. But eventually all honeymoons
must come to an end. That's not to say however, that you can maintain
a spark and reignite the passion in a relationship.
Intimate chemistry is as important as establishing
a life-long partner and best friend in the long run and if you already
think you have settled into ways of old then you might want to give
your relationship a little boost in the love department. If you're
not shy about being romantic then I suggest grand yet affordable gestures
which can be accomplished at a modest price and which remain impressionable
in that they are rare and special moments. Some suggestions for those
really 'impressive' moments would be something like sprinkling rose
petals all over the bed and lighting the room with a dozen or so small
red votive candles; for a more intimate twist try the same setup in
the bathroom with scented bath bubbles, rose petals sprinkled atop
and around the floor, and votive candles along the bathtub edge. Of
course you always need the proper atmosphere which can be accomplished
by romantic 'mood music' and decadent desserts such as chocolate covered
strawberries and champagne on ice (which you should have waiting on
a candle lit table either in the bathroom or in the bedroom).
For another extravagant idea try an all-out,
without occasion, fancy dinner. You can take her to either your favorite
restaurant or try some place new and exotic that you would never normally
try but that she'll be sure to remember. Or, for a more personal,
and some would suggest romantic twist, try making dinner for two and
serve by candlelight. All of these are a great way to stage the evening
as a memorably romantic moment and can be done at an affordable, some
even cheap, price. Just remember, generally the more personal and romantic, the more memorable the effort.
Best wishes for love, life, and happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
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Dear Dr. Goodheart,
My husband and I have been married for more than four years and have
what I believe to be a more than active and fulfilling sex life. That's
what I thought until one night he asked me if I wanted to "try
something new". I told him I was always open to being adventurous
and I would do anything to make him happy. Of course that was before
I knew he wanted to have a threesome with one of my friends I
always believed him to find particularly attractive. I tried to tell
him that I was uncomfortable with the idea but he persisted that he
thought it would be good for us. Eventually I gave in and surprisingly
my "friend" was more than willing to get the games started.
During the process I felt like my husband was giving her far more
attention than I, as if I was just there and he was taking advantage
of the situation to fulfill some fantasy he had of my friend. I even
ended up kind of hanging back until my friend grabbed me and began
to show me her comfort level with women. Now that its all said and
done I want nothing more to do with a round two but my husband constantly
bugs me to reconsider. I don't know if he's cheating on me, and I
don't think he is because he seems intent on asking for my permission,
but if he's not cheating, then why the huge interest in her? Is it
merely sexual fantasy or does he possibly want something more substantial
with her? Is there anything I can do to make the situation better?
Thank you.
A Seriously Concerned Wife
Laguna, CA
Dear Seriously Concerned Wife,
I believe we may have more than a little problem
here but that does not mean all is lost. To begin, I don't think your
husband is cheating on you because, as you state, he is constantly
turning to you to "allow" him the opportunity to have a
threesome with your friend. If he was cheating I think he would avoid
asking for your permission altogether. Furthermore, the fact that it is
a threesome with 2 women and he approached you with the idea does
suggest a desire for him to enact his sexual fantasies and it is possible
that perhaps your friend is someone he feels comfortable with, and
who he believes to be open enough to comply with his request. This
could be a potentially embarrassing thing for a man who wants to enact
a fantasy with his wife but doesn't want to incorporate say, a prostitute,
a stranger, or other women that he may not feel comfortable with.
Still, there is a possibility that he may be attracted to your friend
and that is why he suggested her. However, the fact that she seemed
very interested in you leads me to believe that your husband and she possibly discussed this before and he became aware of her openness
to being sexual with both you and your husband.
That said, it is possible that you may have
just been insecure and thus felt that your husband was paying more
attention to your friend than you. Still, it is altogether possible
that he did in fact do just as you suspect. Still, though I don't
believe cheating to be an issue here, what I do find problematic is
an inability for you to assert your opinions and discomfort with the
situation and an inability for him to respect your decision. Also,
sexual "experimentation" should be a mutual thing, if it
becomes his incessant craving to include other partners and constantly
have more than monogamous relations there may be something deeper
underpinning his sexual needs and or problems with the relationship.
I suggest you two undertake marital counseling or seek therapy of
some sort, possibly even group or sex therapy. It sounds like the fundamental
problem is communication here, mainly, an inability for you to openly
communicate about sexual wants and dislikes which is key to sustaining
a relationship (both the sex and the communication). I think you two
will be okay, but I suggest seeking help so as to assist you and your
husband with being honestly and openly communicative with one another.
As for your friend, I believe you should talk with her one on one
and let her in on your discomfort and your desire to end this. If
she really is your friend she will respect your wishes. If she's not
a friend, chances are she reveals it through her continual
interest in either your husband and/or yourself in a manner which you are uncomfortable
with.
Best wishes for love, life, and happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
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