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Doctor Goodheart ... Flirting
Advice Column (page 7)
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
Recently I became engaged to my girlfriend of three
years. I was super excited and thought things were going really well
until I noticed that her ring would be randomly turned upside down
when she would come home from her "girls-night-outs". I did also notice
that the ring seems a bit big and wondered if the ring's awkward orientation
was merely due to its large size or if it was purposefully being turned
upside down so that she seems more single? What do you think? Should
I be worried? Should I confront her about this? Please help.
Sincerely,
Fearful Fiancée
Eugene, OR
Dear Fearful Fiancée,
I understand your fear of your partner's infidelity. It's not uncommon
for jealousy to rear its ugly head after you
make a deep commitment, potentially a life-long one, and suddenly
feel that your partner isn't respecting the seriousness of it. Still, sometimes jealousy can be unwarranted- completely
provoked by fear. If your fiancée has never given you a reason
not to trust her before then I wouldn't be too hasty to assume things now. The ring in all honesty may just be too large for her finger.
Still, if you are worried at all
you should be able to confront your fiancée about such potentially
"non-issues" as this. You're intending to make a life-long promise
to this woman so you should be able to talk openly and honestly
about anything- the same goes for her. If you are worried, casually
pose a question like "honey do we need to get your ring re-sized?
I've noticed that its been slipping around your finger a lot lately."
Framing the question this way seems unassuming while still positing
that you trust your partner. Don't assume she's guilty until she gives
an explicit reason to do otherwise. A little jealousy is normal but you
don't want to let it run away with your emotions and have you constantly
worrying about problems that may not exist.
Best wishes for love, life, and
happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
Dear Dr. Goodheart,
I am a twenty-one year old student and I have been
casually dating one of my T.A.'s for a few months now. I actually
knew him beforehand and when I discovered that he was interested I
figured since he wasn't actually my teacher that it would be ok to
take things slowly, and casually. All was going well until he discovered
that I interpreted casually as meaning I could date other people.
Now he is threatening to give me intentionally poor grades on my work
because I'm not being "loyal". I didn't think we were in a serious
relationship. I also didn't think he would act this way. Now I'm not
sure if I want to be in a serious relationship with a guy who would
threaten to do such an immature thing as this. What do you think?
I want out, but don't know how to go about it without failing out
of my class, however unjustified.
Please help Dr. Goodheart,
Suspect Student
Boston, MA
Dear Suspect Student,
This is quite a pickle you're
in. First off I want to say that, however "acquainted" you may have
been with this guy before this class, I'm assuming that you know it
probably wasn't the best idea to engage in dating him while he is
in a position of power. As your T.A. he will have the upper hand,
however unfair, whenever things go south in the relationship. I'm
assuming he's around your age (since you said T.A. that generally
means he's still part of the student body), and as such am not surprised
that he is choosing to react this way. I'm not sure what to suggest
other than I think that, seeing as how summer is approaching, I
would do my best to stick it out until the end of the semester. That
way you save yourself the drama of dealing with his sophomoric antics
which arguably you can't do anything about (can you really protest
a grade under those circumstances?). I know this isn't the most "ideal"
situation, however, I do think, considering the circumstances that
this is the smoothest way to deal with things. Ride out the storm
and when summer arrives and the grades are in, then you can approach
your T.A. and explain that you may not want to pursue the relationship
any further.
Still, be careful he doesn't try
to blackmail you into staying in a relationship that you're not happy
with. He may threaten to go to the Dean or other authorities and "fink"
on your relationship. If he tries this approach, which he may, gently
remind him that he is as much complicit in breaking the rules of academic
conduct as you are and that blackmailing you is no way to gain your
affections.
Best of luck with this one- please
update Flirting.com with your scenario if you have any other questions
or comments.
Best wishes for love, life, and
happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
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Dear Dr. Goodheart,
I really like this girl at work but I'm not sure if
she's interested. I want to approach her but I don't know how to go
about it without making things awkward at work. What's the best way
to "get to know her better" without having a potential career disaster.
Help me out,
Interested Office-Guy
Annapolis, MD
Dear Interested Office-Guy,
Initiating interest is always
risky in the work place. You don't won't to make things awkward for
either yourself, her, or your co-workers. This can be avoided; it
all depends on the approach. Think "covert". You want your signals
to be casually intimate while still professional so that others don't
start suspecting your intentions and treating you differently (picture
an office full of teasing colleagues singing "x and y sitting in a
tree. you get the picture). I would start by asking her out to lunch.
Often people eat-out in groups or pairs during lunch break so your
invitation won't seem too motivated. Then, when away from the work
place, you can insert your more intimate feelings into the conversation.
Take time to ask her personal questions and gauge her responses accordingly.
Still make sure that if, providing she is interested, you're new "relationship"
isn't suspect with company policy. You don't want to endanger either
of your potential careers with the company. In
this situation, it's all about tact.
Best wishes for love, life, and
happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
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Dear Dr. Goodheart,
I'm a straight woman in what I think is a healthy relationship.
I love to go to strip-joints, which, I didn't think was a bad thing
until my boyfriend began to worry that I had a thing for some of the
girls. I tried to explain to him that I am strictly heterosexual and
that I merely like going there to make him happy- although I must
admit I feel quite comfortable, even sexy while I'm there. Usually
I pay for him to get lap-dances and I'm always the one putting money
on the stage. He used to like this, but now that he's gotten jealous
he thinks my actions are motivated. I just want him to see that my
being comfortable with the women there
1) ends there, its purely part
of my trying to paint a fantasy for him and
2) that being there makes
me feel sexy.
What can I do? I'm afraid if I can't make him understand
that he'll break up with me?
Sincerely,
Sexy Stripper Girl
Portland, OR
Dear Sexy Stripper Girl,
It sounds like your boyfriend
may not be as into these joints as you are. That's not to say that
your "fetish" is necessarily a bad thing. However, I would say that
based on your argument your interest in the exotica of a strip-club
is, well, interesting. I can understand why you may feel sexier in
a place like that, however, I only see that being the case if your
guy was into it- i.e. it turned you on to see him turned on. Judging
by his stern reproach to your interest in the strip clubs it seems
that perhaps he may be a bit more conservative than you first suspected.
I would try having a conversation with him about the logical reasons
your visits there make you feel sexy. That means also that you
have to hear out his arguments for his discomfort with the situation.
If you really think that this fetish can be potentially destructive
to your relationship you may need to decide which is more important
to you, the voyeuristic strip club adventures or your relationship
with your boyfriend.
Best wishes for love, life, and
happiness,
Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com
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Dear
Dr. Goodheart:
I love a man 2 years now, the whole thing started
when i felt he likes me, i didn't want to scare him
when i tell him that I love him so I just told him
that I like him. Unfortunately he had to travel abroad
so we didn't have any chance for dating, so it was
all online. There's that woman who likes him, she
kept convincing me that there's something between
them so that drove me to fight with him every day
until one day I told him I regret this relationship
so he broke up with me, I begged him for a whole day
to stay but he just said "we are a bad couple"...
Later, he started being nice with me again, but I
was kinda rejecting him, until this woman went and
told him that he's the man of her dreams and that
she wants to marry him, he went for it, but she ended
the whole thing when she knew something about him
that Ialready knew.
A MONTH later, he came home and told me he loves
me and he wants to marry me, he said he didn't love
this woman, and that he always felt there's something
wrong with their relationship. He also said that he
doesn't fall in love easily yet he loves me very much
and that he's willing to do anything to prove his
love to me.
The problem is that I have the password for his email
account, I took a look at the emails which used to
be between them, they were more like poems, if i spend
a million year I won't be able to write a single line
of those. I also read the emails he used to send her
it was like " I love you more than life",
"My heart is yours".
I don't know how to deal with this, he said that
these were words he didn't mean but he had to write
just to keep the thing going. Is this possible? Does
he really love me like he says? Is it possible that
he can love me after one month from their break up?
One more thing, I'm a shy girl, and i feel that i
can't write or say the words she used to write him,
so i feel my self cold compared to her...
Please help me with your advice.
Thank you very much,
Sweet Baby |
Dear Sweet Baby:
First lesson in love: Trust is
EVERYTHING. I’m not sure if you acquired this
man’s email either through “stealthy
secret spy” moves, or if he gave it to you
out of trust. If the former, then you are already
displaying a weakness in the relationship: you.
Your inability to trust this man
so much that you would snoop on his private emails
is very concerning; it can only ever lead to heartache. As mature individuals, we all have complicated
lives, and that includes our histories and private
lives that we don’t necessarily intend to
share with significant others. When and if the time
comes, these so-called “secrets” may
come out but we tend to shelter
these aspects of our lives, not because we don’t
love and trust our partner, but because we don’t
want to hurt them for mistakes we made in the past;
mistakes which, no matter how much we regret them,
we can’t take back. But, your spying on the
emails resurrects those mistakes and forces him
to confess them defensively. It also allows you
to speculate out-of-context because you don’t
have his back-story to fully understand how and
why those emails are written the way they are.
Consequently,
his telling you that “he loves you”
and “he only told her those things to keep
their relationship going” very well may be
true; but, because you have read these emails, his
“love poems” as you call them, you will
always suspect him of not being one-hundred
percent truthful to you. You created this problem.
If you wish to have any chance
in a relationship with this man
it is important that you trust him for his word,
only question it when his actions demonstrate
otherwise. If he says he loves you, believe it.
It sounds like this woman was very
meddlesome and conniving; consequently, its no surprise
this man was confused because this woman had her
“finger in the cookie jar” at all times,
so to speak. From what you say, this woman provoked
him to react in precisely the manner he did; he
acted defensively and protected his own heart,
leaving you only because he thought you didn’t
love him (thanks to a certain woman’s convincing
suggestions) and because he thought
this other woman did love him. But, when that didn’t
work out, when he finally saw her for who she really
was, the relationship fizzled, and he came back
to who he thought was always right for him from
the beginning: you. So, yes, in complete truth,
he may have meant some of what he said to her; he
may have actually thought he loved her, once. SO
WHAT. No one wants to feel lonely, and it’s
very likely he projected his heartache from his
breakup with you onto this relationship with the
other woman. He may have “thought”
that he actually loved her, but he now understands
that he never did. That’s ALL that matters.
After all this woman has done to try and sabotage
your relationship, be grateful that this man was
big enough to see through the schemes and come back
to you in the end. Give him the benefit of the doubt
and let him love you the way he says he does. Trust
me, actions always speak louder than words; no matter
how fancy those “love poems” were, you’re
the one he keeps coming back to.
PS: If he, by the way, gave you
access to his email (for whatever reason), he only
did so because he trusts you and believed that you
could handle finding whatever you came across; all
the more reasons to stop doubting him and move forward,
happily, with your reunited love.
Best of luck,
Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com.
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Hi Dr. Goodheart.
I don't really know where
to start, my wife left me and our 4 young children last
year, (for a boytoy) anyway we had a mutual friend, who
I have always fancied, and for the last year she calls in
to "see the kids" but always ends up sitting drinking
tea and talking with me for hours, I know that I have fallen
in love with her but have not said anything in case I get
the cold shoulder from her. It would spoils our friendship
and end the contact she has with the kids, who love her. I have been told
that she flirts with me and I don't get the message, how
can I tell from her body language if she is flirting with
me, she asked if me and the kids would like to go on holiday
with her, but I don't know if this is a ploy to get me on
nutral ground, or just a holiday with friends. Should I risk our friendship,
or bide my time, risking that she may think I'm not interested?
how can I tell what she wants?
Please help,
Steve
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Dear Steve,
First of all, my condolences to you for
you recent dissolved marriage. It’s always hard
to say goodbye, especially under circumstances such as
those you described. From the sound of it, you’re
still coping. And you will be ok eventually; just give it time.
On a different note: No woman invites
you, and your kids, on holiday unless she’s interested
in spending more time with you guys and strengthening
her relationships with both you and the kids respectively.
Holiday is notoriously “family time”; she
knows this. If you say, “yes,” its likely
you two will be mistaken for husband and wife, with cute
little tykes in tow; she also knows this. She also knows
that she wouldn’t suggest going on holiday with
you and the kids unless she was comfortable with all of
this, perhaps even desiring it. So, at the risk of leaping
to conclusions, I would say this woman is definitely interested.
She knows your marriage dissolved under circumstances
you are not to blame for. Consequently, she may have always
fancied you but respected your marriage enough to hold
her tongue. Now that your ex-wife has changed the game,
however, this woman likely sees the playing field as wide
open; you’re fair game since your
wife left you for another man. Also, if she’s been
a longtime friend, she’s likely had time to establish
a relationship with both yourself and your kids. In already
thinking of you and your children affectionately, it’s
only natural that she may want to see if things could
go anywhere further. These are probably much the same
feelings you share towards her, correct?
Still, given the possibility that this
woman is only interested in friendship (though I highly
doubt it, what with the lengthy tea sessions, private
chats, and personal “Holiday” invites), I
would proceed slowly. If for no other reason than you’ve
just lost your marriage, proceed with caution; however,
proceed nonetheless. Don’t be afraid to move on
with your life. And who better to do that with than a
woman who already knows, and more importantly, likes your
kids? I say go for it. Please do let me know how things
turn out.
Best of Luck,
Dr. Goodheart, Flirting.com.
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