Dear Dr. Goodheart,

Recently my wife and I ran into some financial trouble. I feel it is starting to take a toll on our relationship. We constantly seem to fight over financial matters, particularly her habit of shopping for expensive things, be it clothes, home décor, etc. I am the primary breadwinner but she does contribute and I don't want her to feel that I don't want to provide for her and support her. Still, I feel as if she's taking advantage of the situation and spending well beyond her means and mine as well. What should I do ?

Please Help,

Fiscally Frustrated
Seattle, WA

Dear Fiscally Frustrated,

Having a partner take advantage of your contributions, in any respect from money to love to attention, is both frustrating and disrespectful. While it is commonplace for many people in today's society to feel a "need" to shop, and specifically, to shop for "nice things" (often diagnosed as affluenza), still it does not mean it is right to do so, and specifically, to do so at the expense of someone else's hard earned money. Your wife might feel compelled to justify her spending habits as a "necessity"; something that makes her "feel good" and gives her "confidence" and "self efficacy", and what's startlingly true is her justifications may be valid to her own perspective. Still it needs to be brought to her attention that it is hurting you, on a more than monetary level.

Money can be a very sensitive subject, and can lead to the demise of many relationships. Since you allude to this problem as "long standing" and already under fire of failed communication may I suggest a new angle? Try bringing up the issue by discussing how her excessive shopping habits make you feel as if she doesn't respect you as husband, provider, friend, and confidant. Explain how you appreciate her hard work and contributions and that you want her to feel comfortable being able to shop for things you need, but maybe here suggest that her constant shopping doesn't allow you the opportunity to provide for her. If you make it seem like she's doing all the "work" of providing, this inverted perspective just might help curb her shopping habits.

Still, if she rejects your wishes and continues to shop might I suggest first trying counseling or secondly, propose a desire to separate accounts. This latter one can be very sticky and possibly volatile. Still, if she can't be stopped by communication some action may be necessary. Find some way to express that you are not doing this to punish her but so that you can stop "nagging" her all the time and instead, bestow her the freedom of spending her money exactly how she sees fit. Still, having to skew her perspective with tactics like this can possibly contribute to her disillusionment of her as "innocent" here and in the long run counseling may be necessary. For now try baby steps like and see how she reacts.

Best wishes in life, love, and happiness,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com

Dear Dr. Goodheart,

I hate Hallmark holidays, especially the cheesy, over-inflated, artificial ones like Valentine's Day. All the same I have a girlfriend who I love dearly and who I don't want to hurt or insult by not participating in the holiday and acknowledging her importance to me. Do you have any suggestions as to how I can show her I love her without stooping to cheesy cards, over-priced roses, and cheap chocolate?

Sincerely,

Hallmark Cynic
Atlanta, GA

Dear Hallmark Cynic,

While its true that your opinions of Valentine's Day are more than valid and many people hold similar opinions, still, you do have a partner who may be more inclined to want the sentimental symbolism of the holiday. If you don't want to "stoop" to holiday propaganda and/or participate in the conventional "dinner date" might I suggest celebrating the holiday early? If you surprise her, say an offbeat day like February 7th, you can sweep her off her feet early and still have time to justify your rationalism towards declining the upcoming holiday.

The question might remain how to sweep her off her feet? No matter what you do, any suggestion toward your affection will seem somewhat parallel to conventional Valentine's gifts and acts. Still, you can try making her a card, or take her on a surprise picnic, do something she really likes even if you don't. If she likes animals you can take her to the zoo or the humane society. If she likes to read you can surprise her with a copy of her favorite book. Any suggestion that isn't chocolate kisses and roses might be able to stand as anti-conventional, particularly if you don't give the gift or do the activity on Valentine's Day. What's important is that you express how much you love her and explain why you don't buy into the holiday after you've taken pains to show her that you're still willing to go the distance to show her how much she means to you.

>Best wishes in life, love, and happiness,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com

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Dear Dr. Goodheart,

Recently I have noticed my fiancée coming home from work later and later. When I confronted him about it he simply said that he has been really busy with work and forced to stay late and/or attend after-work business functions. I don't know what to do. My gut tells me he's not being unfaithful but my head is telling me his work excuses are getting old and too played out to be true all the time.

What should I do?

Concerned fiancée

Omaha, Nebraska

Dear Concerned fiancée,

I would advise you to trust your gut on this one. You said yourself that you don't feel (e.g. the gut) that he's cheating on you. Though it might seem illogical and likewise untrue that your fiancée has been staying late repeatedly for only work, you need to try and understand where your fiancée is coming from. Is his job one that requires more than your typical 9-5 commitment? Does his job have peak seasons and/or is this a currently hectic time in your fiancée's professional life? Likewise, is he maybe putting in more hours both at the office and at after hours happy hours to try and "get in good" with his bosses for potential promotions so that he can make more money for you both? These are the type of things you should address together. Find out if all his talk about hard work really is true and why he feels the need to do it.

If he is putting in all of these extra hours without talking to you first, perhaps you can explain to him how it both worries and offends you that he isn't respecting you enough to forewarn you of an upcoming "crunch time" at work. If he is telling the truth (being that work really is the reason for his coming home late), he will respectfully alleviate your concerns and provide a logical, fluid, and unwavering answer to all of these questions. Additionally he may even work harder at more openly and efficiently communicating to you the potential days he will be expected home late. First thing first however, you have to talk this out and give your man a chance to defend himself. If he's busting his butt to secure a better future for the two of you the last thing he will appreciate is a speculative grill session. That's not to say your concerns aren't valid, it's just to give his perspective a little illumination before you go in for the attack.

Best wishes for love, life, and happiness,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com

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Dear Dr. Goodheart,

Every day this girl comes into my workplace, Starbucks, and orders the same drink at the same time from the same person (me). I didn't notice the pattern until a fellow employee pointed out that her little visits had become ritual since her first noticing me. After checking her out a few times after my friend's observation I found her very attractive and it seems as if she's interested. She smiles a lot, tips often, and always says thank you in a way that I suspect is an invitation for more than just coffee. Still, since I am on the employee side of this scenario and it is my job to serve and not flirt with the customers, I feel both at a disadvantage and awkward trying to initiate anything between us. How and what should I do to express my interest in this girl that I think is likewise interested although she will do nothing more than repeatedly place herself in front of my register?

Please help,

Java Joe

Santa Ana, California

Dear Java Joe,

It sounds like you have yourself less of a drastic situation than you might think. You're interested, (and apparently she's interested), all that remains is for you; yes you, to take the initiative and strike up a conversation with her-I'm thinking specifically beyond the realm of coffee talk here. Instead of asking her what she'd like to drink that day, try to start a conversation with a friendly salutation followed by an open-ended question. For example: "Hey, good to see you again. So how's life been treating you since your last frappucinno?" Or try something similar. Whatever your comment, the important thing is to convey the following:

1) you've noticed her repeat visits (likewise you're observant enough to notice her drink preferences), and most importantly

2) you're interested. After you work up the nerve to start a conversation, if she is as interested as you suspect, you shouldn't have any problem.

Considering she has been aggressively synchronizing her Starbucks visits to your work schedule, she will more than likely take the reigns after you make the first move. All that she's looking for now is for you to signal you're interested in more than what she likes to drink. So make your move and you should be on an easy path to flirting bliss shortly thereafter.

Best wishes for love, life, and happiness,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com

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Dear Dr. Goodheart,

I am a 22 year old male and I'm about to finish up my last semester of college. My girlfriend and I have been dating for the past semester and things have been going great. Though its still a relatively new relationship its pretty serious but we are both from 2 different locations and as we prepare for graduation I am deliberating whether or not to break up with her or try to continue this thing as a long distance relationship. I really care about her, in fact I think I may love her but I'm not sure I'm ready for the commitment and the potential disappointments and work a long distance relationship entails. Also, she has offered to take a job in my hometown where I will be returning but I don't want her to move out here and then, if we break up, be devastated and regret her decision to move out her to be with me. I don't want to hurt her or be unfair to either of us. I'm not interested in anyone else, I just don't know if I'm ready for her to move in with me and/or for her to be 500+ miles away. What should I do? Please help.

Sincerely,

Confused College Grad,
Phoenix, AZ

Dear Confused College Grad,

Graduation is definitely a difficult time in life. It's that limbo period where you prepare to make the transition from adolescence into adulthood while your conscience desperately fights to remain in the fantasy land and securities of the former. Still, there's a time and a place to grow up and move on: college graduation is one of those prime examples of when and where to do that. I don't really know what I can tell you except that, where potential love is concerned it's always best to follow your heart.

I don't know how deeply you care for your girlfriend but I do know that, though true love isn't a cake walk, neither should it be terribly difficult. However, I completely understand your reservations for wanting to move in with a woman when you're not sure how serious and stable your current relationship is. Nonetheless I believe it is only fair to you and your partner that you discuss your reservations openly and honestly about either a potential living situation and/or break up. She needs to know how you feel- that means not keeping her in the dark about your potential decision to end the relationship.

Likewise, she may be having some of the same reservations as you, particularly about the long distance thing: her effort to take the job in your hometown is more than likely an attempt to alleviate the long distant concerns by making it a non-factor via her relocation. Still, if the reason you are hesitant to move in with your girlfriend is because you don't know if you two will last, then she deserves to know that as well before she moves across country for a guy whose heart may not be in it as much as her own. It won't be pretty, and it may hurt, but in the end an open honest conversation concerning BOTH of your worries, concerns, and hopes for the future of this relationship BEFORE taking any action (e.g. a decision to either to end or continue the relationship) will be the best and most valuable thing you can do for the stability and security of what you two have now, and may have together in the future. Also might I suggest that you don't have to move in together, simply choosing a city in the middle of your hometowns and moving there together but in different homes mey be a good compromise.

Best wishes in life, love, and happiness,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com

Dear Dr. Goodheart,

I am getting ready to move out of my apartment with my girlfriend and I don't know how to tell her that I may not want to keep the same living situation in my new apartment. Its not that I want to break up with her it's just that I think she is getting too serious too fast and I am not quite sure how to handle it. I would like to have my own space back and with her living with me that space is nowhere to be found. Also she is always hounding me about things like my leaving my clothes on the floor, or how I don't clean up the sink when it is me who pays the rent! I just want to be able to have my poker nights with the guys and not worry about her getting upset at my staying up late and having company over. I want to be able to go to the bars and flirt and look at other women without getting hounded for my innocent intentions. I have never cheated and will never cheat on a woman; it's just that all my girl's pressure is really making me reconsider my moral obligations. I don't know what to do or how to gingerly approach the subject without fireworks from her side. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Missing the Bachelor Days,

Seattle, WA

Dear Missing the Bachelor Days,

It sounds like you may have bitten off more than you can chew at this point. Your girlfriend seems controlling and likewise, insecure and dependent. Since I don't know her financial situation but I do know that you are paying the rent I am assuming that she is going to be hit pretty hard if you decide to no longer allow her to cohabit. However, if your heart is not as into this relationship as you may have thought, then I don't think it is healthy for either you or her to drag the thing out any further.

Still, I know I am going to sound redundant by pulling the age old trump card: communication, but I have to ask, have you talked to her about your concerns? Does she know she's suffocating you and that you feel as if she is trying to control and take over a space which is both financed by and assigned to yourself? The fact that she is "hounding" you to clean up your own apartment may imply 1 or both of 2 things:

1) she's a neat freak and you're not- her keeping at you to clean up may be an effort on her part to help keep what she sees as both of your guys' apartment livable (to her standards.)

2) She is a little controlling- perhaps her aggressive behavior is incompatible with yours. Still, she may not notice how her temper is so unpredictable and likewise, startling (you mentioned the word "fireworks").

First I would try communication and I would, as sole financer of the living situation, lay down ground rules that allow you to have your poker nights and bar visits so that you incorporate a nice balance of couple time and "single" time (within reason) into your lifestyle. If she does have a problem with your plan then it's back to the drawing board.

If you really want to make the relationship work you will be willing to compromise. If compromise if out of the question then either yours and/or her inability to find a middle ground may suggest that perhaps you two aren't as compatible for each other as you previously thought. Likewise it could suggest that there are trust issues, and/or that one or both of you simply aren't ready for this level of a relationship. Whatever the case I suggest you find answers to your dilemmas before just dropping a girl on the street. Likewise don't let her force you into a living situation that would have you miserable for a year. It sounds like the relationship has come to that point where the question is: to move on, or not to move on? Only you however, have the answer...

Best wishes in life, love, and happiness,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com

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Dear Dr. Goodheart,

I've been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for several years now. I have never cheated on him with any other guy although I have frequently found myself attracted to other women. About three months ago when I was out of town I hooked up with one of my girlfriends that I have been friends with for only a couple of months. I haven't told my boyfriend about it because I'm not sure if it's cheating and I'm not sure how he would react. What would you advise?

Confused Chica
Sacramento, CA

Dear Confused Chica,

It sounds like you are experiencing a lot of sexual frustration and confusion. I'm not very clear about your background but if this was your first intimate experience with a female you could just chalk it up to curiosity and leave it at that. However, if this is something that you are formerly experienced with, or have a repeated curiosity for, I recommend seeking counseling or severely reexamining your life and confirming what your sexual orientation is. Either way, I say you confront your significant other about the recent mishap and explain both the circumstances of the event and the reasons why the event occurred. All good relationships are built on open, honest communication. Still, if this is a minor one time slip, and you don't believe it will happen again-and you don't think your boyfriend will take your confession too well, I suggest you say nothing about it. However, if he later discovers the truth about your little snafu DO NOT deny his questions and come out in the open the first time. He may be a little more upset that you withheld the information in the first place but coming clean on your first chance improves your odds for a hopeful reconciliation.

Best wishes for love, life, and happiness,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com

Dear Dr. Goodheart,

I have been very interested in this guy that works for my mother's business for the past several months. I think he's attracted to me which would be fine except that I'm currently in a relationship. To complicate matters, I work for my mother's company and my mother does not allow inter-company dating. I don't think she would be very happy if I were to start a relationship with this guy behind her back. What do you recommend I do?

Undecided About Love
Saginaw, MI

Dear Undecided About Love,

First of all it sounds like your eyes are wandering enough to tell you that the relationship you are currently in is not going to be your last: (e.g. he's not "The One"). Knowing that, I say you come clean with your current boyfriend and call off the relationship before things get more involved than they already are. Likewise I say you respect your mother's opinions about her company. This guy may be physically attractive, but right now you don't know anything about him. There are plenty of fish in the sea and chances are you will find a dozen other guys just like this one that don't work for your mother. You don't want to take advantage of your status as family employee and abuse her dating rules. Likewise you don't want to go behind her back and put her in a position where she will have to choose firing you or giving you special privileges once she finds out about your little inter-company affair. I say you steer clear of work boy, leave the one your with and embrace being a fun, fearless, single female for the time being until you have a clearer idea of who and what it is you want.

Best wishes for love, life, and happiness,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com

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Dear Dr. Goodheart,

My best friend has been cheating on his girlfriend for the better part of the past year. What's worse is that he hasn't just been cheating on her with one girl but a bunch of them. I didn't plan on saying anything but now he has proposed to her and they are to be married. I don't think its right that she commits her life to someone who refuses to do the same. I've talked to him about his cheating and he promises he'll change his ways after the wedding-that he's just living up his bachelor days while he can, but I don't believe him. I want to help but I don't want to betray my friend. What should I do?

Please Help.

Baffled Bud,
Tulsa, OK

Dear Baffled Bud,

Once a serial cheater, always a serial cheater: no matter what this guy says, he won't stop his playboy habits once he's tied the knot. It sounds like you're a decent guy and I appreciate your concern for your best friend's girl (that's a rare thing to find these days among men whose best friends just got engaged: most of the time they will encourage cheating and "bachelor days"). Though I know you want to preserve your loyalty to your friend the fact that this is nagging your conscience enough to provoke you to write to me should be evidence of what you should do: you need to tell her the truth.

Still, I think you should first tell your friend how you feel- let him know that you want to confront his fiancée with the truth about his actions because he refuses to do so himself. Encourage him to man up and confess his own dirty deeds. If he refuses, which he will more than likely do, simply let him know that his fiancée is as much a friend to you as he and that her happiness is also important to you. Let him know that you approached him first because you didn't want him to feel like you had betrayed his friendship/trust, but likewise reinforce your message that unless he comes clean, you're going to have to let his fiancée in on his dirty little secrets. You're giving her a chance to back out of an unhealthy relationship before it's too late-there's nothing wrong with that!

From another woman's perspective I have to say, if I were your best friend's fiancée I would want you to tell me the truth about his infidelity before it was too late. Best of luck.

Best wishes for love, life, and happiness,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com