Hi Doctor GoodHeart,

Can you tell me if you think this man likes me or hates me?

We both work at the same place and though he is not my boss his position is much higher than mine. He is a very intelligent, charming and handsome man. More importantly he is kind and considerate of everyone near him. All my female co-workers adore him because he is funny, easy-going and doesn't take himself seriously though he is very important. He seems very comfortable with all of them.

For a long time now I've noticed that whenever he's around me he has nothing to say and seems very ill at ease. I catch him looking at me very often but whenever I look back at him he averts his eyes. Then once in a great while he'll give me these long stares and even when I look back at him he doesn't look away.

Oftentimes (too often for me to think it's accidental) when I go into the copying room or the kitchen he comes in after me but then he doesn't seem to be there for any particular reason and he doesn't say much to me. He'll say hi and ask how I am in this very low, serious tone. When I look up to answer him he's always looking away.

Most of the time he doesn't smile at me but once in a while he'll give me such a smile that it almost takes my breath away. I also notice he does all these little things when he's near me: he whistles, coughs, stretches his back, tucks in his shirt, smoothes his hair, etc.

When we're in a room with other co-workers he never looks at me or talks to me unless he absolutely has to but never in a mean way. Nothing he does is mean or rude, but still sometimes my feelings get hurt. At these times I'm almost sure he reads my feelings because then he does little things afterwards that make me feel better. Nothing more than stand near me a little longer than necessary or look at me with kind eyes.

Sometimes when we come across each other suddenly in a hallway or on the stairs he looks so startled, scared or almost angry. My first reaction is, "Gosh, he must really dislike me" and I get very sad. Then after I think about it for a while I say to myself, "He must have a crush on me!" Most of the time I don't know what to think.

Can you help me?

DD

Dear DD:

This man sounds like he has a common case of the "flirting fidgets": nervous ticks; awkward eye-contact, or aversion; coincidental run-ins with nothing to say… Yup, I'd say he's at least attracted to you though he seems hesitant to actually approach you. In his defense, he is in a corporate setting and he IS your superior, which means he walks a fine line between harassment and a friendly "hello," especially in today's hyper-litigated corporate world where sexual assault/harassment cases abound. Rather than leaving all the pressure on him—and I can't say this enough to all you single, working (read: INDEPENDENT!) women out there—try to break the ice first by smiling back and initiating the conversation.

As a working woman, you are well fitted with all the social skills necessary to carry on a neutral and civil conversation. Once you establish "common ground" with this man, you will both seem less "foreign" to each other and the awkwardness between you two will dissipate. I can't promise the sexual tension will but in your case I'm assuming that's a good thing. Once you two are on a friendly basis you can eventually allow the conversations to grow more personal, and if necessary, take them outside of the corporate setting: think a nice café, restaurant, or park. Lunch breaks are a great way to start slow and work towards establishing a more personable camaraderie without the pressure of first date awkwardness and anxieties.

I would relax on assumptions that he doesn't like you—why else would he bother ever smiling at you with "kind eyes" if he couldn't stand you? No, in your case I would be willing to bet that you have a nervous man on your hands. Not necessarily insecure by nature, he may feel at a loss as how to best approach a coworker, particularly one he's technically in charge of. To counter this, you need to take the initiative and start the conversation. If you can think of nothing, use some lame "shop talk" to help you segue into the casual but unassuming area of the personal stuff. Try the generic, "So, how's life outside of work been treating you lately?" Or, if that seems too personal for the first try, drop a personal confession that gives him an opportunity to connect with (after making the logical transition from work talk of course!), like "Man, it's been such a tough week; what I wouldn't give to go to the –insert sports team here- game this weekend." A normal person would react to the comment by either asking you something like, "Oh really, you like the –name of team-," or, "Me too! I love the –name of team-!" Congratulations! Personal contact has been established. Now, let common sense guide you.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com

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Dear Dr. Goodheart,

I have written to you a long time ago and you have answered me in the column of January. I am Niki and this letter is again about the net cafe boy. You know what? He revealed himself some time ago. He just started talking out of nowhere - stuff that he didn't use to do.

In order to find my name on the PC 'cause I prepay my net time (useful information: at that time, my pre-payed time was running off and he knew it) he said in one breath: "Well Niki... remind me your other name... oh I can't remember it! But-'Niki'-I will never forget it..it is special." I was shocked! Never expecting to hear those words so I didn't speak and he had to continue: "..to ME it is special- I don't know.." Let me tell you here that in my country my name is not special, It is very common. But also, I could tell by his body language that it was not stuff he spoke out easily. Me? I was looking to the floor (yes-clever girl) and found nothing to say. Then he hurried to make excuse of himself saying: "Oh! Do I say nonsense?" And seamed to be embarrassed. I said quickly trying to sound warm: "Don't say that again". An expression that sounds like: don't even think you talk nonsense, but to him must have sounded like: don't say again my name is special. I totally messed it up!

Some days after that, I went to the place he works feeling in love more than ever before and being sure he loves me, so I was determined to fix things to the better, no matter how foolish I might sound. So I went there and I asked him to renew my time a little more, adding that I was not only there to renew it, but 'something' happened last time and I though maybe to change my mind. There were people around, but this was my only chance. He didn't speak. He didn't even move a muscle of his face, the same time I was totally shaking. He then asked in a no-expression tone: "WHY didn't you want to renew it?" I believe he wasn't even looking at me when he asked. I told him "I couldn't find the reason. But after the last progress..." And I stopped there, meaning that I changed my mind. He didn't make ANY comments. He asked: "And will you renew it?" I did. And after some hour, when I was leaving, he gave me his biggest smile. But then, 3 days afterwards when Iwent there hoping that he will say SOMETHING-at least 'let's go out for a coffee', he again was like a complete stranger towards me. And the next and the next time. He turns around as I step in-like he's got radar or something-hurrying to get my attention and greet me, but nothing more than that. He just says the basic stuff and then disappears in a blink of an eye-like the
road runner man.

I can't understand honestly. Friends of mine arrange me blind dates but I really don't care about that. I feel I am in love with this boy for years and I can't leave it to become a memory.

I am again uncomfortable I had to write such long mail. I don't expect you to publish it but I would really appreciate it if you would be so kind to help by giving me some advice (I already appreciate you took the time to read all of this).

Thank you so much,

Niki

Dear Niki:

I believe what we have here are two very shy people who are attracted to each other but have no idea as how to best talk to one another. Probably complicating matters, as you alluded to, is a cultural conflict: something is always lost in translation and usually the most awkward/complicated thing for two people from two different cultures is to try and understand the idiomaticities (or nuances) of each other's cultural humor. Humor is something that is very contextual and usually culture specific. So it would make sense that you are concerned that he misinterpreted your comment about "Don't say that again," because in America, the idiom would probably sound more like "Of course you're not talking nonsense." Consequently, you have two very shy, contextually hyper-aware people trying to "make small talk" unsuccessfully. This would explain the lapses in friendliness, the awkwardness and long periods of silent or (avoidance) after an awkard run-in like the one you wrote about.

At this point (which is now almost 9 months later), I would say that if you are convinced that you have strong feelings for him you need to be direct with him. Don't work on idioms, or humor, or small talk. Instead, walk up to him and approach him directly, saying something like, "You know, I've been coming here for months waiting for you to ask me out. What's taking you so long?" This assertive statement not only reveals your interest in him, but it "puts the ball in his court," so to speak, and forces him to counter by either taking you up on your (indirect) offer to go out, or to defend himself. If he defends himself, he will do it one of two ways: "I'm sorry but I haven't asked you out because I'm involved with someone," or, the positive way, "I'm sorry, the only reason I haven't asked you out is because I didn't think you would say yes." Of course you're looking for answer two.

Sure it's a risky endeavor. But at this point your mental stability can't afford to beat around the bush any longer; it sounds like you are losing quite a bit of sleep and stressing about this and the best way to bring this to a point of clarity is to be direct, concise, and assertive. I know it will be tough, but if he is half as interested in you as you are in him, I promise things will go just the way you hope: you'll finally get a date with him after all these months.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com

Hi,

I am a 43 gay woman and I am very attracted to a 20 something year old woman who works as a trainer at a gym I go to (all female). I have known her for about 6 weeks. I have no idea of her orientation or if she is single except that at one point she mentioned an ex boyfriend. Here is what has happened so far and I am trying to figure out if it means anything.

First she is very friendly and warm and smiles a lot and is always in a great mood and full of energy.

About 2 weeks ago, I asked her if she liked chocolate and gave her a very small piece of a chocolate sample. She thanked me for the [nice] surprise. But then she thanked me again the next 2 times I saw her.

I told her I always work out harder when she's there which she accepted as a compliment.

I told her that if she wasn't still working there (she is going to school in the fall) I wouldn't want to renew my membership and she acted touched by that.

Then she said something weird the other day about the fact that she makes me train hard out of love and then repeated this a few minutes later.

Sometimes I try to keep eye contact but it's hard to know if there's something there because I want there to be so I am reading what I want into everything.

And maybe the gym has a policy against relationships or something. Either way if there is something here, eventually someone has to make the first move.

If you are wondering why I haven't said anything yet, it's because I still have 6 weeks left on my
membership and it would be awkward if I had misread all this.

I hope you have any advice on this.

Thank you,

Heather

Dear Heather:

I do agree with you that "one of you will have to make the first move." Still, with someone so much younger than you, who has also made references to past boyfriends, I believe you are walking on unsteady ground. Not only are you in a professional setting which requires her to act friendly, personable and therefore can make you interpret her actions as interested when she is merely doing her job (a point, I believe, you alluded too), but you are also in a setting with all women, which means that orientations may be mixed, fluctuating, or undetermined. Consequently, unless she makes direct hints as to her orientation being gay or bi, you want to be extremely careful with your advances towards her as you could make her feel awkward if she turns out to be straight; of course, the awkward encounter would also mean you would continue to feel awkward for the remainder of your time at the gym (yet another point you have consciously noted).

This is a tough one because you can't help who you are attracted to and there is nothing wrong with being attracted to a strong, healthy, young woman. At the same time, however, your age does pose a potential level of taboo if her orientation turns out to be heterosexual. As much as I want to encourage you to be courageous and assertive, I truly believe it would be best to wait and see if she makes any hint at clarifying both her orientation and her intentions for either continuing her acquaintance with you, or not, once she goes back to school.

That said, do you really want to get involved with a twenty-year old girl who will be away, at school? (really, she's not yet a woman per se; there's a lot of growing up and life experiences she has to do before she will be on the same page as you) Chances are her life-goals are not exactly in sync with yours at this stage in her life and yes, her age will pose huge problems if you two try and become serious (providing everything works out) because she will have to 1) finish school and 2) pick a career path which may take her to yet another state or journey with which you are not either comfortable with nor capable of accompanying her on. Also, if she claims she is "bi," that poses a whole other set of complications, such as her being at the age where sexual orientation is flexible and undetermined and therefore not stable insofar as she may be in an "experimental phase" and eventually go back to being "straight," which of course would have heartbreaking consequences for you.

I am not trying to be a 'downer' here, I am just want to help you be objective and look at the whole picture. If things work out between you two, great. But I think if anything is going to happen, she's going to have to be the assertive one. And, providing she is, I hope you find in her a partner who is willing and ready to commit to the same goals in life that you are, so that you two can live compatibly and happily together on the same page of life.

Best of luck,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com

Dear Dr. Goodheart, I am the type of guy that loves big girls: “more of them to love,” I always say! However, despite my fixation for thicker women, I recently was introduced to this beautiful, charismatic woman who has everything I would want save for her shape, which is thinner than I would prefer. She’s not rail thin, but she is skinny enough to where the idea of her having anything to grab in bed would be a far fetched dream. I know most men would kill to date a woman like this, and I’m not sure why, but I am finding myself filled with reservations. I don’t want to be juvenile but at this point I can’t tell if I’m attracted to her from a mutual respect/platonic standpoint, or if I am sexually attracted to her.

My biggest fear of course is that if I decide to date her, I will suddenly find myself no longer attracted to her, and I don’t want to hurt this nice woman’s feelings. What should I do? Sincerely, Wanting More “Junk” (in the trunk), Albany, NY

Dear Wanting More "Junk",

First off, might I suggest you taking a good look in the mirror and ask yourself, “what is it that truly attracts me to larger women?” Is it their shape, is it their personality (do you naturally gravitate towards larger women with the same personality, etc)? You need to deduce whether or not you are more attracted to larger women because you feel more secure with them than with smaller women who may be seen as generally more attractive (thanks to cultural stereotypes), and thus continually garnering other’s men’s attention.

If you aren’t fully confident in yourself and don’t believe yourself worthy of a good woman you may naturally gravitate towards women who make you feel more secure. That may mean that you want a larger or less emotionally secure woman rather than a thin and/or confident one, although that’s not to say that skinny girls aren’t insecure and that large women can't be confident. You shouldn’t turn down a perfect woman simply because she’s a little “thin” for your tastes: it would be the same if you were to avoid dating a larger woman simply because of her plus size.

If this woman has everything you desire, besides a few extra pounds around the hips, give her a fair shot. You just might find that after a few dates you grow more physically attracted to her because of her personality! Dating is just getting to know each other, you will know if it's right in the end. Either way, if you choose not to pursue romantic interests with this woman make sure its for the right reasons and not merely because you wish she filled out her pants a little more.

Best wishes in life, love, and happiness,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com

* * *

Dear Dr. Goodheart,

Recently my girlfriend of three years has been pressuring me to try a threesome. At first she proposed inviting a guy as the third member, but I was adamantly against that since I felt very uncomfortable sharing her sexually with anyone, let alone another man. Even when she offered to invite a woman I felt uncomfortable, although I did feel that, since it was her idea initially, this was the best compromise. However, after our little threesome my girlfriend is hooked. Though we initially did it with one of her good friends, she has since asked me several additional times to have a “round two”, but she is completely indifferent as to who the girl is. Though I can’t say I completely hated the experience, I can say that I still feel very uncomfortable with the idea since, during the threesome I felt that my girlfriend was more preoccupied with the third party than with satisfying or pleasuring me. I don’t know if it’s just my insecurities bothering me, or my feeling that she isn’t respecting my feelings and treating the relationship with the seriousness and respect that she used to. How do I tell her that I want to curb her lust for threesomes permanently ?

Please help.

Confused but Committed,
Athens, GA

Dear Confused but Committed,

It sounds like your girlfriend is a little confused sexually and may be feeling a little restricted to the confines of her (serious) three-year relationship. Most relationships hit their natural lull within the first 2-3 years. During that time most couples either break up, or, like your girlfriend, decide to try something innovative in an attempt to put the spice back in the relationship. However, after your girlfriend came up with an idea (which you eventually agreed to) she discovered something which filled a void or provided something that was lacking before. The fact that she is seeking to continue this pattern of behavior with the threesomes may be an indication of several things: either she doesn’t feel entirely fulfilled in bed with just the two of you any longer); she may be re-questioning her sexual orientation (based on your argument that she “seems” more into the girl than you during the threesome); she may feel you two have hit that low point and is looking for a way to bring some spontaneity back into the relationship; or, lastly, she may be acting slightly selfishly and putting a secret desire (to be with women, or engage in threesomes) over your desires to commit and work on your relationship sans a third party.

Whatever the reason, you need to first and foremost sit your girlfriend down and discuss your concerns with her recently randy requests. You also need to clearly convey to her that you aren’t comfortable with a third party and that you desire to work on moving your relationship in the right direction. If she still pushes for threesomes then you need to decide whether or not she’s just being selfish and/or may not be ready for an exclusive heterosexual relationship. She just may be going through a phase and she needs to figure out whether or not she’s willing to risk her relationship with you for a temporary wild spree. If she does seem determined to continue with this lifestyle, it may be time for you to move on and find a woman who will better appreciate your level of commitment (which is a valuable thing these days).

Best wishes for love, life, and happiness,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com

Dear Dr. Goodheart,

I am a single, forty-two year-old female who has been engaged three times (never married) and still a virgin. The reason all three of my former engagements ended was because I refused to have sex before marriage and, though two of the three men were okay with that arrangement, I realized that my fear of sex was much more than wanting to save my virginity, I was afraid to have sex even after marriage! Instead of seeing it as sacred, I see it as gross, and I am frequently uncomfortable whenever anyone around me begins to discuss sexual matters openly. I don’t want to end up single the rest of my life but the thought of sex terrifies me and I hate to think that I’m ruining both mine and my partner’s lives because of my phobia. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Virginal Violet
Colorado Springs, CO

Dear Virginal Violet,

Though your case (that being forty-two and a virgin) is rare in today’s society, it’s not entirely unheard of. However, your preserving your virginity primarily out of fear rather than a moral stance (which I’m assuming your initial intentions were the latter) does signal cause for alarm. It seems that, throughout the years of remaining chaste your “virginal status” has prompted much hype and concern from all those with whom you are closely affiliated. I’m sure your “v” card has become the defining standard by which you are stereotyped; only further provoking your fear of sex. However, as you alluded, sex is not a terrifying thing, but a sacred gift that is to be appreciated and cherished, not feared and disdained.

Since I am not a registered psychologist I cannot offer any official diagnosis, though I’m assuming much of your fear stems from childhood experiences (either trauma, education, upbringing etc.), and has only been reinforced in your adulthood by your being made to continually feel uncomfortable and distinct (not necessarily in a good way) as a virgin. However, that you found two men willing to wait until marriage and that you bailed both times because you were so afraid of sex afterwards is a problem, and yes, it is detrimental to both you and your partner. You are keeping both yourself and your current/future partner(s) from ever being truly happy because of your fear to consumate a marriage. There’s nothing wrong with waiting: by all means, if you’ve waited this long please continue to do so, however, your reasons for avoiding marriage need to addressed by a professional who may be able to help you gain a new perspective on sex, relationships, life, and yourself in general. Before you enter into another serious engagement, or ditch a current partner, seek professional help and let them open your eyes to all the wonderful possibilities that sex has to offer.

PS: There’s also a lot of great self-help books that deal with this issue as well that can be found at major bookstores if you’re not quite ready to visit a psychologist/psychiatrist.

Best wishes for love, life, and happiness,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com

* * *

Dear Dr. Goodheart,

I have been dating these two guys, quite casually, and very openly now for awhile. Though I enjoy spending time with both (and both know of the other), I must admit that I am torn as to where to take either relationship. Both men are so different and bring completely different pros and cons to the table so whenever I try to decide which one to end and which one to settle down with I find myself stuck. One guy is ready to settle down and get super serious, and he is the type where security would never be an issue, while the other guy is enjoying taking things more slowly and working our way to a stable future. Both seem like the ideal guy, which seems contradictory since they are so different, so now I need help deciding what to do. Please help, Dr. Goodheart !

Sincerely,

Clearly Confused.
Tustin, CA

Dear Clearly Confused,

It sounds like the only one who can help you make a decision is yourself. I think first and foremost you and your heart need to have a little (pardon the pun) “heart-to-heart.” Only you truly know what you want both now and for the future. That you’re so confused about which guy to pick stems from simply having one too many options. I don’t really believe that people have one particular soul mate, though I do believe that people have types and that several potential Mr. Maybes could be “Mr. Right” at any given moment providing the timing is right: the fact that you have found yourself compatible with two entirely different people at the same time only supports the old adage, “timing is everything.” Its likely that you could envision yourself with either one of these guys but the question is which one do you see yourself with right now and which one do you see yourself with in the near and distant future? Hopefully all three answers line up, but when is life ever that easy ?

If you can see yourself with the more casual guy right now, but think Mr. Long-term is perfect for well, long term, then you may want to evaluate what’s most important to you right now for both your life and your potential partner. Are you ready to settle down or no? If yes, you may want to stick things out with commitment guy, if no, you may want to stay casual with the low key partner. Either way, one thing’s for sure: you can’t continue to date both at the same pace without exacerbating your problem. Sooner rather than a later, a decision has to be made.

Best wishes for love, life, and happiness,

Dr. Goodheart / Flirting.com